Tuesday, June 28, 2011
12:07 AM | Posted by Elena Nezhinsky | | Edit Post
When I was at The Gate, I had no patience left for any more search, I was burning for truth. That night somebody guided me to see that all this time, years and years, who was searching for whatever goal or intention, was the imaginary self.
Years in silent retreats, sitting day after day, stare inside, purifying the mind. All that was needed at the time, but I felt: not anymore. I felt: the search that drove half of my life was suddenly suffocating me. I was ready to cross, to step through...I didnt' know what is there next. In the various spiritual books read about the veil, some kind of veil, The Gateless Gate. I heard of this koan many times, I had not idea what it means, until I felt like I was standing there - at The Gate.
One feels it in his bones - he is there. With all his being. Something really significant going on - One is not sure what, but it's like burning from inside out with wish for Truth. One feels ready. One feels this is the time. I must cross. I must rip off this illusion. What is this illusion, One is not sure yet, just intellectually maybe, if one read or heard about it before. But there is a strong feeling that one will step and fall into the abyss. Abyss of unknown. What was before was explored throughout. It may be comfortable, good, great, happy, not so good, disappointing, boring, painful - anything - but it's familiar.
Fear, in some cases terror, comes over One.
One feels the death is here. The death of old life.
The death of the illusion.
One faced with the decision: back to the familiar or forward into the unknown.
Now One is ready, vigilant and alive, right at the Gate.
Then comes the guide, who crossed before, takes your hand or slaps your face - depends on what you need, and guides you through the Gate.
You turn back, and see: there is no gate, there is no crossing, there is no you. And never was.
ARE YOU READY?
Saturday, June 25, 2011
4:48 PM | Posted by Elena Nezhinsky | | Edit Post
It is already awhile I pondered about having my own blog as a part of Ruthless Truth team. Because I am not native English speaker, I always had a fear of writing a content. Even after the illusion of the self was seeing through, the deepest believes remained and limited the embodiment from fully expressing itself. I was freeing people from the illusion, but was holding back from writing!
What I found in the last couple of days that the clarity won over the fear, and I decided to step up. Just as the energy in me shifted, somebody was discarding his old blog, because the name did not match him. I saw this blog before, and it spoke to me perfectly - I am a long time mediator, went through dozen of silent Vipassana retreats, was sitting in Zen. I stumbled upon Ruthless Arena one night, and got through the Gateless Gate in 5 hours. That night seeking for spiritual advancement, purification of the mind, seeking for peace and opening of the heart, fell off like a leaf. 5 hours of deep honest looking were THE BEST MEDITATION, indeed!
As for the fear, I realized that fear only exists if one thinks that there is a self who has to pock somewhere in the depth of the mind and find words, sentences; then be ready to receive either praise or disapproval. It is fear of failure, based on the assumption of the existence of the self, and that there is a me. Me is vulnerable. Me make sure everything is in a zone of comfort and control. Me separates - there are instantly me and not me, and what if those won't like me, won't approve me or mine?
When the illusion of the self is not just concept one hear, when it is Knowing, then one knows no separation, one knows no limitation. It appears as me and the other are separate, it appears that words are coming from this particular head, with this particular wiring, but in reality, there is no separation, no compartments, no thinker. So why not to express what is there? Without fear. Why not?
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About this blog
Born in June 2011 out of inspiration to share how to end life long spiritual search, drop the observer, and return back to naturalness we are.