I am changing dramatically as this Elena woman of 50 y.o approaching her Chiron Return next year. It seem to me as the floor for me to stand on is getting re-assembled. I floated enough to be grounded again. I have no idea how this all will turn out. Maybe my body went through point of no return having adrenal exhaustion after profound awakening experience and having no clue what's going on, and letting so many things run not correctly for almost 8 years! Or maybe, the re-Mission which I know here, will sew and heal what was damaged. I can wait and see how this will go. You can trust me, I will tell you like it is. I was too lost for too long in my life not to be 100% true to my experience and sharing it with others, so maybe someone will benefit from authentic sharing along the way.
Some of you know, by Human Design system, I am a Mental Projector (Elena is), with the specific design of the mind of someone here who is born to live almost 50 years all kinds of human experiences, full range of it, so in the last years of her life she will become not only a guide and a visionary as a Mental Projector, but also a role model.
I have been coming to this new role for couple of years already, absolutely humbled, leaving behind tons of mind conditioning, people who does not want to except completely changed character, and moving into a new, last period of my life where I have an experience and the knowing to prepare to be an elder I was born this lifetime to be.
The kind of an "elder next door": not in any way special, in a contrary, very much relating, since she did live all kinds of human experiences, a full range, that there is always an understanding in her of anything anyone goes through at the moment - she lived most of it, or some version of it. This is the base, the foundation I am finding myself on: the variety of human experiences.
This is where I draw compassion from. To every human being, in any situation, I feel compassion. I am compassion at that very moment of communing with someone in struggle. It doesn't mean I will weep with you, because I know how impermanent human experiences are, I live impermanence as this character. But what I can promise you for sure that I will be with you without judgment, I know how it is to be in your shoes, maybe just a little, but it is enough.
I know what it is to be with birth, death, shame, anger, depression, not wanting to live, sickness, awakening, peace, joy, bliss, sensuality, passion, love, desire, no desire, celibacy, deep meditation, silent retreats, profound spiritual experiences, pain, suffering, humiliation, work in corporate world, yoga teaching, dancing, praying in a church, sitting in a dark retreat, working as systems analyst, working as a dishwasher, years of raw food, being married to a psychiatrist, eating burgers, gluten free, loads of gluten...I am not writing it in any particular order, just some words that arise in the mind, reflecting on my life.
Oh, surely I omitted some, I am not ready yet to put it out, I still have some old shame fixations. But you guys, know me already for 8 years, I will be stripping more, and more, and more. I will be naked role model :) I do not really have secrets, and I am not trying to better up anything, I just didn't came up with the language that will describe clearly certain experiences.
But I want to continue to reflect here, in that experiences mix also motherhood, 3 marriages, disastrously ended several friendships, aloneness and stumbling upon 3 new key people for this period of my life. In the mix also: using all kinds of "spiritual potions", including ayahuaska, toad and a frog, but mostly sitting, sitting, sitting in pain and suffering silent vipassana retreats and spontaneous inquiry in the mind: "Who am I?"
If I continue: Being shut down in marriages. Cooking, cleaning, hiding behind. Selling the house and living in a tent. Driving across the country, feeling the place to stop and settle there. Complete dissolution of body/mind, Systems Analyst at Time Warner Corporation, public assistance and food stamps. All random reflections, no timeline here.
Nursing my son, sleepless nights when he wasn't well. 3 divorces, and one more possible marriage?! There is more, and more, and more human messy and beautiful experiences, not much authoritative flavor in my life, mostly relating, people just can relate to me, you know!
The friend said she has a sticking out belly, Pfff, sure me too! I raised it to maturity like a little piggy in the last 3 years, so now I can listen to everyone who don't like what they see in the mirror! I know what the bags under the eyes, like mine, means in women: autoimmune d/o called Hashimoto and low thyroid function. You do not need to excuse yourself to me you look like shit by this time in life. Me too.
Though everyone around see me as beautiful woman, I see that my body did take a very strong hit. I also see that healing and wellbeing is possible, it is happening in my reality, you can relate to that maybe, I am all in on that. And honestly, Elena's body is amazing as is, Goddes-like! :)
Of I forgot to mention house fire, raw food community, equanimity, withdrawal, shut down emotionally. Friendliness, kindness, big picture, my unique mind that at first part of my life was totally rejected, and later in life, regarded, used, and re-used.
You know, guys, the most what I want in life is to be able to utilize my mind to guide people to better place in themselves, be that relief for today or full awakening experience.
Word "lost" I can write many times. I was so many times in my life lost in a role that I did not know myself at all, I was playing one movie after the other, with changing partners on the stage. Lost in a character and it's roles, wholeheartedly, with all my might. So believable for myself and others, that several of them still do not talk to me, because that me they used to - conforming mostly - is evaporated, and they are stuck in their image of me in their heads.
With so open design the metamorphosis is full, complete and final. Until the next cycle. I lived many cycles of life, and none of it was authentic: naked me without an unconscious role. But with awakening and maturity, all that is not mine has fallen away. There are some pieces of the old skin, they are painful as hell, because I constantly try to scrub it off, you know, like when you peel the scab on the not healed yet wound. I am very very happy that my body held on and didn't croke, and I can share my journey of 'someone next door" with myself and others.
Some of you know I started professional training to become a transformational coach. I have been spiritual drop-out for many years, but I had an insight to utilize my mind fully in the next cycle not necessarily in a spiritual circles. I want to be available and help people, anyone who resonates with authenticity, ready to be courageous, and leave behind roles and masks. Coach would be the most fitting profession for me in a society. The most fitting role for this character in this lifetime. Yes, I am trying to integrate back into society to be able to guide more people.
I do not have resources right now to pay fully for tuition and other training related expenses, so I created a GoFundMe fundrizer for this. I do appreciate those few who contributed and shared the link around. I want to ask anyone whoever benefitted from the insight from this mind or the kindness from this heart, please help me to get necessary sum. You know I contributed a lot to the humanity in the form of Liberation Unleashed community and resource, I have been counseling people for years without expecting anything in return. Would you be able to share with me now, even if it is very small amount, but drop by drop I can gather what I need. I didn't know I will come to this in this post, but why not, I do need support.
Here is the link to donate:
You can also donate directly into my Paypal Become Light two words together at gmail.
Much love to my friends,