Sunday, June 9, 2019

Some adventures in consciousness

One day I read on one of the websites:
"There’s a type of great coach… A mysterious type who often go overlooked, because what they do doesn’t look like coaching. It looks more like magic. Because these people have the ability to alter someone’s destiny in the time it takes to eat lunch. They aren’t about the how or the why — they’re completely, utterly about the who. Their core skill is to see someone in a way that they don’t yet see themselves; to give their lives a larger narrative, sense of belief, a higher purpose.”

It resonated with me so much! So I decided to get coaching from someone who is more then a regular coach, who understands different levels of being, who can see the gaps, the hang-ups and lead to release it, who finds in you and turns a key, and the human fractal get's changed completely. This is what I have been doing with my own clients, and I was looking who will do the magic with me. I intellectually knew what the gap was, but I was removed from it, it was almost like a thick protection over it. I didn't need great coach, I needed extraordinary: someone expanded in their being-ness in capacity to SEE, integrated in life so flawlessly at the same time. Who did not skip any stations of development in any areas of human life. I was willing to stand in fear, humiliation, confusion, anything.

I met one on-line, let me tell you, he had a key. He made such a big impact on me I released some old pattern that I wasn't able to let go by myself, though I was so aware of it. He literary yelled at me on the phone in a very harsh voice, and that was a super key that opened a floodgates of a lifetime! I went into disassociation, I withdraw from my body, I didn't have access to my voice neither. He kept going, and at one point I came back, suddenly I could push it out of me: "Shut up, Steve!" And from my throat came out everything at once: sounds, cry, coughs, all gamut of stuff, as I just had an ayahuaska brew! What I experienced after is a long story that I will write in my second book about awakening integration, in short, I remembered where this disassociation with the body came from in my early childhood, what preceded it and how it developed and how it ruled all my life. How I was avoiding any conflicts because I was terrified of pain - the earliest memory my mind held was pain and protection from it by disassociation. It was happening automatically, and awakening only brought this into the forefront of the awareness, and one day it destined to be seen fully and released completely.

It was freaking painful, and how I was trying to process is to write, write honestly what is going on in my mind, and my mind was on fire in the next couple of days. It was trying to come back to equilibrium. The one who just made an impact disappeared, he just didn't want to deal with it, or maybe he just didn't have time to stay with me, I do not blame him, I actually love him for who he is and I know how similar we are by delivering impact, and yes, sometimes it goes seemingly sideways. I would prefer him staying with me, sure, but I respect his decision and his own boundaries.

I was picked up by a fairy, she sat down with me and she listened. She really loved me, I could trust her she loved me. I needed that love, I regressed into 5 y.o who was yelled by her mom and her sister while the little one was in so much pain. I was in somatic pain that engulfed me, and I was not able to disassociate anymore from it. I needed someone who would be able to hold the space for me to talk about it ( energy moved in me through sound, through talking and writing ), and she had the full capacity for it. She understood what happened, she gave me all the time in the world, she validated me, confirmed that I am not crazy, at times like that, even if you know it yourself, it is absolutely healing when someone mirrors you your precious authentic being. She named it as "disassociation", and it suddenly got absolutely clear to me this very story of suppressive and conforming behavior, everything became transparent. I was going to this moment of absolute clarity and freedom from childhood trauma for many years, basically 7, even 9 years. I wasn't actively "working" on it, I was just becoming more and more aware of the dissonance in the mind: the pain, the resistance, it was my Dark of the Soul passage that I am sure was only possible because the mind awoke to Non-dual Awareness, and the contrast in the personality contrived by trauma just felt excruciating, especially in the last years.

In Non-duality 9, 7, even 3-5 years ago personality conflicts were taboo to talk about, some non-duality teachers killed themselves because they could not reconcile the expansion of the mind and the pain that did not become less, but more apparent. Unfortunately they did not have proper help, the status of the teacher prevented them to look deeper into pain and not try to avoid it by trying to reside in nondual awareness. Mind is so clever mechanism, it will construct even nondual awareness dreamstate, it would simulate it, as outrages as it sounds, it would give a break and let you just be, but as soon as a trigger for trauma comes in, it would go into override state immediately, and nothing you could do about it, nothing. I am actually happy that the views on trauma is changing rapidly now in nonduality community, and I feel by being transparent in my process for all these years there is some of my contribution in that as well. By healing myself I heal. This is why I am here in this lifetime, and this is why I write about myself. I am a writer, a storyteller, a healer and a teacher, I tried not to take on any labels on myself, but I came to this simple fact about my role in this life, and I accepted. And a fairy? It was Shanti Zimmerman, and you can find her on Facebook. She is my friend, she went through Liberation Unleashed, the organization I co-created, she studied with Byron Kathy and Tony Robbins. And all that helped her to become the coach she is, I am sure, but I also want to say, she is a born healer herself being able to overcome her own childhood trauma, being able not to pass it onto her 4 children, to be able to clear the ancestral line from the grip of this trauma. So she does have capacity, and you might benefit from her work.
to be continued...

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