Sunday, June 9, 2019

Some adventures in consciousness

One day I read on one of the websites:
"There’s a type of great coach… A mysterious type who often go overlooked, because what they do doesn’t look like coaching. It looks more like magic. Because these people have the ability to alter someone’s destiny in the time it takes to eat lunch. They aren’t about the how or the why — they’re completely, utterly about the who. Their core skill is to see someone in a way that they don’t yet see themselves; to give their lives a larger narrative, sense of belief, a higher purpose.”

It resonated with me so much! So I decided to get coaching from someone who is more then a regular coach, who understands different levels of being, who can see the gaps, the hang-ups and lead to release it, who finds in you and turns a key, and the human fractal get's changed completely. This is what I have been doing with my own clients, and I was looking who will do the magic with me. I intellectually knew what the gap was, but I was removed from it, it was almost like a thick protection over it. I didn't need great coach, I needed extraordinary: someone expanded in their being-ness in capacity to SEE, integrated in life so flawlessly at the same time. Who did not skip any stations of development in any areas of human life. I was willing to stand in fear, humiliation, confusion, anything.

I met one on-line, let me tell you, he had a key. He made such a big impact on me I released some old pattern that I wasn't able to let go by myself, though I was so aware of it. He literary yelled at me on the phone in a very harsh voice, and that was a super key that opened a floodgates of a lifetime! I went into disassociation, I withdraw from my body, I didn't have access to my voice neither. He kept going, and at one point I came back, suddenly I could push it out of me: "Shut up, Steve!" And from my throat came out everything at once: sounds, cry, coughs, all gamut of stuff, as I just had an ayahuaska brew! What I experienced after is a long story that I will write in my second book about awakening integration, in short, I remembered where this disassociation with the body came from in my early childhood, what preceded it and how it developed and how it ruled all my life. How I was avoiding any conflicts because I was terrified of pain - the earliest memory my mind held was pain and protection from it by disassociation. It was happening automatically, and awakening only brought this into the forefront of the awareness, and one day it destined to be seen fully and released completely.

It was freaking painful, and how I was trying to process is to write, write honestly what is going on in my mind, and my mind was on fire in the next couple of days. It was trying to come back to equilibrium. The one who just made an impact disappeared, he just didn't want to deal with it, or maybe he just didn't have time to stay with me, I do not blame him, I actually love him for who he is and I know how similar we are by delivering impact, and yes, sometimes it goes seemingly sideways. I would prefer him staying with me, sure, but I respect his decision and his own boundaries.

I was picked up by a fairy, she sat down with me and she listened. She really loved me, I could trust her she loved me. I needed that love, I regressed into 5 y.o who was yelled by her mom and her sister while the little one was in so much pain. I was in somatic pain that engulfed me, and I was not able to disassociate anymore from it. I needed someone who would be able to hold the space for me to talk about it ( energy moved in me through sound, through talking and writing ), and she had the full capacity for it. She understood what happened, she gave me all the time in the world, she validated me, confirmed that I am not crazy, at times like that, even if you know it yourself, it is absolutely healing when someone mirrors you your precious authentic being. She named it as "disassociation", and it suddenly got absolutely clear to me this very story of suppressive and conforming behavior, everything became transparent. I was going to this moment of absolute clarity and freedom from childhood trauma for many years, basically 7, even 9 years. I wasn't actively "working" on it, I was just becoming more and more aware of the dissonance in the mind: the pain, the resistance, it was my Dark of the Soul passage that I am sure was only possible because the mind awoke to Non-dual Awareness, and the contrast in the personality contrived by trauma just felt excruciating, especially in the last years.

In Non-duality 9, 7, even 3-5 years ago personality conflicts were taboo to talk about, some non-duality teachers killed themselves because they could not reconcile the expansion of the mind and the pain that did not become less, but more apparent. Unfortunately they did not have proper help, the status of the teacher prevented them to look deeper into pain and not try to avoid it by trying to reside in nondual awareness. Mind is so clever mechanism, it will construct even nondual awareness dreamstate, it would simulate it, as outrages as it sounds, it would give a break and let you just be, but as soon as a trigger for trauma comes in, it would go into override state immediately, and nothing you could do about it, nothing. I am actually happy that the views on trauma is changing rapidly now in nonduality community, and I feel by being transparent in my process for all these years there is some of my contribution in that as well. By healing myself I heal. This is why I am here in this lifetime, and this is why I write about myself. I am a writer, a storyteller, a healer and a teacher, I tried not to take on any labels on myself, but I came to this simple fact about my role in this life, and I accepted. And a fairy? It was Shanti Zimmerman, and you can find her on Facebook. She is my friend, she went through Liberation Unleashed, the organization I co-created, she studied with Byron Kathy and Tony Robbins. And all that helped her to become the coach she is, I am sure, but I also want to say, she is a born healer herself being able to overcome her own childhood trauma, being able not to pass it onto her 4 children, to be able to clear the ancestral line from the grip of this trauma. So she does have capacity, and you might benefit from her work.
to be continued...

Thursday, June 6, 2019

You finally can REST

When I pointed people to awakening to "no self" and later to pure awareness, I had many more inquiries then now when I point people back to individuality and uniqueness. Though I do believe, at least from my own experience, and watching fully integrated awake mentors from different traditions, that this is the natural movement of evolution: from identified personal to absolutist impersonal to unique expression of impersonal (simplified).

The reason why many awake minds stuck in the absolutist impersonal stage and not really living fully as they would is because there is a stigma about "personal", "individual", its like a bad spell to use it toward themselves. I so understand that! Having been a seeker on a path of enlightenment for so many years and applied so much effort, hard-core effort, now I would be afraid to "regress" to establish my own individuality. Also I don't want to sort through that human "stuff" that I can just deny right now, and come across as something more pure, higher, or more advanced then just this small messy human!

Mind is so clever, as said one of my friends in personal message to me, yes indeed, its so clever I am speechless to have noticed how it fooled myself and others along the way! No wonder every tradition warns for some dangers on an authentic spiritual path, it is a lot of "dangers", I would say a lot of places we can get stuck, and stuck so hard that we do not know we are stuck, and we are not willing to hear from anyone about it.

What I like about my work with people is that I do not need to point to them where they are stuck, I just listen to their stories, for long time, from different times, different angles, I ask different unrelated questions and confuse their clever mind to the point it just give up to sensor what and how they say. And I write down their words. I have no judgment for anything they say, I am witnessing it right there with them, in a context of the fascinating journey in consciousness, and I see and feel what is that in that story was essential, what was the thread through the whole life that kept playing out itself, regardless of the circumstances, and most fascinating: under all the acquired, and sometimes very thick, conditioning! This is what make it unique to them, makes them individual without grasping to the form!

When awake meet with his or her uniqueness, their individuality, it's a joyful recognition, and also a big relief, almost a permission to be. Yes, there are difficult cases, only a few I met with, when the recognition was immediate, but the living circumstances prevents to be it at this time, the individuality is so suppressed and deeply conditioned to express itself in an overt way. Then for these people I highly recommend to continue de-conditioning support with me, or anyone else for that matter who is skilled in it.

I am qualified by my own journey to be of support, many of you know that I have been suppressed in a personality and coming out of that suppression was my Dark Night of the Soul journey after awakening, and it took no less then full 7 years, but I did not have any support, only the opposite. This is why I am doing this, I am called to help those in distress after awakening of the mind. And the road is only through: from the complete denial of personality to acceptance of individuality, loving yourself and your own humanness so deeply that you finally can REST.

Tuesday, June 4, 2019

Perspectives and mystery of Being

Still believe your believes? Can you just for a second accept that it is only a perspective, doesn't matter how amazingly wise, deep, expansive, seems like absolute truth they are. I have been shifting in perspectives for years, have been accused of not having a solid teaching, because I change my message all the time, while this is my solid teaching and a message: as soon as you think you got it, it's a next delusion, more sophisticated, more disguised, more and more difficult to recognize, so relax where you are and start living life right now, without avoidance and spiritual by-pass! No amount of thinking and language can describe the mystery of Being. It can be only experienced without any description. And experienced right now, just where you are, as you are, if you only surrender the seeking 💓

And If the description is there: "Aha! I know!" - oops, here is a perspective, but not the truth which you are trying to present as such. Truth on a relative level, yes, but not an absolute truth, we can't even know if such a thing exist! It would be too simple for this grand play. Either you are in personal development stage when you believe you are improving yourself, or awake stage when you do not identify yourself with a person but identification shifted to pure Awareness, the perspective of who we are changes, yes, but it is not an absolute truth! So do not quarrel with others, especially when you identify with Awareness, it sounds funny when you quarrel who is more awake. If you only can see that it is a perspective, then you will accept that others have different perspectives, and for them they are valid, just like for you yours.

I keep laughing at myself all the time, geez, Elena, what you were writing! And at the same time we go through this journey in our own pace and own time, and being delusional on this path is a part of the journey, until you get clear that there is no absolute truth. Then you shut up, take of the meditation shawl, step off the pedestal, leave spiritual discussion groups, or whatever you need to do - you perfectly know what exactly - you roll the sleeves and get to work, whatever is there for you to do - this also gets very clear when all the beliefs and expectations for yourself give a way to natural human interest and inclinations 💓

This is why I do this Discovery Process with people: for them to clearly see what is important, and shift their attention there, its like shifting yourself home. Should be easy, right? But we stuck in places where we do not really belong, and feel lost, unhappy and "not good enough", constantly comparing to others, trying to catch up. How we got there in a first place? We were trying to compensate something that was unclear in our personality, were trying to run away from pain, and got into spirituality, and then we followed various teachers, teachings and expectations, and we got so deep into neurotic seeker state that pretends to be awaken to absolute truth that we lost what is actually real here. Let's recover the innocence, the joy of being, the happiness of giving yourself to the world in your own innate virtue. Let's start to live fully your uniqueness, to love yourself with fascination and to play in ourselves with wonder! 💓
It is not possible to explain what Discovery Process is, but we go deep into your life story, you talk, I listen, I ask, you talk, I listen, I ask and listen again. Then we take a look on the life trajectory and see what is really important, and what you are here to be and do in this life. This process creates unprecedented clarity and automatic relaxation to be just exactly who you are, you bring all of you back home to rest and enjoy life.
To read more about Discovery Process, read some of the testimonials on my website:,
look up service page, about page, my resume...investigate and see if you resonate with me to work together.

With Love,

June 4 add:

Was another 4 hours Discovery session today, it's the second one that run twice long, but I am in commitment to stay with the process until the alchemy completes itself. I am here to assist in creating clarity of Being, bringing energies to their proper places, and sometimes it just does't line up that easy, but if I stay with it, suddenly the Mandala of Being (wow, this is it!) opens up in front of my eyes, and then me and a client have no doubt that it is true for them, because it brings them home to themselves right there.
You should see those eyes and hear the gasp from recognition of themselves, and a huge relief they feel, and excitement to have a chance to start again with themselves, live fully, lovingly, present to who they are. It's like life has vibrancy and colors again, and its all fun again, rightful direction! And surely there is also challenge not to slip into conditioned ideas of themselves, but now they have clear view of their virtues that they came to live and express, but never had full permission for.
It is not intellectual process at all, if it would be then we would go with what mind says, and in 99% it says some concept, ideas that has nothing to do with essence, even if all the life structures based on these ideas by now, we can not to proceed, and we have to dig in every kind of way to confuse the mind to the point it gives up, and then the essence comes forward, and it is not possible not to see it!! Pure alchemy.
Then they go live it and it starts to mold them from a caterpillar to a butterfly, sometimes very easy, sometimes instantaneously, and sometimes painful metamorphosis, but now life took over, the work of nature is like digestive process: if the food got in, it will go through the digestive tract, we want it or not, and will nourish the body and transform it. Its the same process of recognition of our uniqueness and why we are here, what we are here to bring, how we are here to nourish and transform the world. Suddenly there are energies available to assist to be who they are, suddenly no depression, and no boredom, no sadness and hopelessness, suddenly no tensions, and they feel amazingly free and in joy to be who they are, unapologetically