Saturday, December 15, 2018

Organic maturation in awakening

I am noticing how at peace I am with myself, even in the middle of some stormy circumstances, I am calm. This is not the calm out of detachment "there is no me", "me is an illusion", this is calm of the beingness, it feels like my heart is at peace, my body is relaxed, my mind is calm. I have been patiently waiting for it, I knew there is no way to make it happen, other then live and let it all settle by itself. The big changes in me in the last several years really visible to the naked eye: I am not in the conforming character anymore, I live and walk my talk.

I do not need to protect any image of being somebody, or being beyond being somebody, or an image of transcendent somebody. I am grateful to life to see this fairy early in my years (relatively) after waking up, that negate the human, the character/the roles we play, adopt the concept as world as an illusion, while energetically still participating in it until the death of the physical form, will only be fooling myself. It will be giving green light to the clever and adaptive mind to create another illusion of no me, but basically just another identity. I do not see that living in this very character needs to be changed on living in "no character", for me for sure it doesn't make sense. I know it, because I did live it for first couple of years, and I somehow I knew that this was not the truth.

This world is an illusion, yes, the form, the name does not exist, its a fractal, a holographic image in the space of consciousness, the closest metaphor I can find at the moment. I had a direct and profound experience of it, this is why I am where I am now in my being. I had been re-worked from "head to toes" :) And also though continues inquiry through the years I discovered that my mind naturally inclined to Revelation beyond the physical world. My mind also is inclined to sensing the physicality continually, so it mostly always present to what is happening. Between these two my life turns, as one wise man said :) Different mind states arise in the field of pure consciousness, and life is happening organically, as it is always is. I am conscious.

But I found that suppression of what's already here and available, and creation of something illusionary in the mind as "no-self", "no character" takes a lot of life force to maintain it. If one lives in the immediacy of being, and feel complete every night when they go to bed, then they fully lived and utilized this very character of theirs to it's full capacity, and there is no need to even doubt it, no need to invalidate it, deny it, or suppress, no need to go beyond it, or transcend it. Do you see how it works? It works naturally.

You do not need to do really anything, but continue to live what's here. You do not need to pretend you are not this person, you just fine to be this person, or this character. The issue arise only when we want to build something else then what it is: build awake image, enlightened persona, something that falls into our idea of us as awake, authority, teacher. Other then that, who the heck cares you think about yourself as a character or "no-character" in daily life? I love to be in a company of awake friends, those who do not deny their humanness, so we just have a good time, without affirming to each other that we are not really selves here.

Though I sort of left non-duality community, I have written a lot for this community, because I saw many were stuck in a temporary nihilistic zone for too long. Denial and nihilism happens to most, the integration into life as a human for some is really tough endeavor. I will continue to write on the maturation in awakening beyond temporary stations. Since I am denied access to LiberationUnleashed Page, you can find my writings on my blog Complete Humanity.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

What are you here to bring to this world and to learn in this lifetime?

One thing that I learnt living life is that we never know what is actually right for another. I know I am living this last portion of my life to learn courage and by my own example to help others in the same. If you suggest me to sit back, walk away quietly, do some inner inquiry instead of standing up, you do not understand that this is what I have done all my life. Since early years when this mechanism was developed in a young child to protect her life, I always wend deep into myself. Later in life I would go deep with inquiry.

I can't afford this anymore, this method will take my life, I have been there before. I have to stand up. It's not natural for me to stand up, its not easy, it is very uncomfortable, and my body doesn't like it, but it does like it more then not to speak up. It appreciates there is movement of energy out instead of all directed in. Said that, my main work is done, I found what I was seeking all my life, I do not need to pretend to be more spiritual, or more light, or more awake. I know who I am and what limitations I am against in this body and mind, and I am fine to work within certain parameters of these limitations.

Find out what your main theme of this lifetime, what you were born to bring to the world, what to learn, how to move correctly for yourself. This will be such a relief for you that you can be yourself without judgment. That you don't have to follow any homogenized expectations how you should be, live, and behave. If you here to plant kindness, do it, but do not expect that planting kindness is my job here, though I am generally carry kindness in my being, I am planting courage this lifetime, and surely this will sometimes look maybe too abrasive, but for me, just right.

How do I know? You ever tried something that everyone says is good, only arrived to the lifeless space, ready to die, because the organism have no energy to continue life? I did. I tried to be desire-less, emotionless, impartial witness, and I actually tried all kinds of states that did not really work, because the next step would be a grave. We do not need to be anything other then us feeling complete at the moment, if sitting back is complete for you, you are at peace and harmony, then it is healthy, but if sitting back means listening to fears, brush them off and stand up. If anyone tell you to better sit, you explain them that standing up is more healthy for you. They might understand or not, please walk your own path to completeness. It is not the same for everybody.

The spirit animates these bodies to do different work in the world, find and respect your own work. We are one Consciousness that come forth in all these forms. Sometimes they collide, it does only mean that it's all alive, and we only can aim to do the correct work.

If you moved to help me:
Elena's GoFundMe page

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Spontaneous Letter to my readers, friends, you guys.

I am changing dramatically as this Elena woman of 50 y.o approaching her Chiron Return next year. It seem to me as the floor for me to stand on is getting re-assembled. I floated enough to be grounded again. I have no idea how this all will turn out. Maybe my body went through point of no return having adrenal exhaustion after profound awakening experience and having no clue what's going on, and letting so many things run not correctly for almost 8 years! Or maybe, the re-Mission which I know here, will sew and heal what was damaged. I can wait and see how this will go. You can trust me, I will tell you like it is. I was too lost for too long in my life not to be 100% true to my experience and sharing it with others, so maybe someone will benefit from authentic sharing along the way.

Some of you know, by Human Design system, I am a Mental Projector (Elena is), with the specific design of the mind of someone here who is born to live almost 50 years all kinds of human experiences, full range of it, so in the last years of her life she will become not only a guide and a visionary as a Mental Projector, but also a role model.

I have been coming to this new role for couple of years already, absolutely humbled, leaving behind tons of mind conditioning, people who does not want to except completely changed character, and moving into a new, last period of my life where I have an experience and the knowing to prepare to be an elder I was born this lifetime to be.

The kind of an "elder next door": not in any way special, in a contrary, very much relating, since she did live all kinds of human experiences, a full range, that there is always an understanding in her of anything anyone goes through at the moment - she lived most of it, or some version of it. This is the base, the foundation I am finding myself on: the variety of human experiences.

This is where I draw compassion from. To every human being, in any situation, I feel compassion. I am compassion at that very moment of communing with someone in struggle. It doesn't mean I will weep with you, because I know how impermanent human experiences are, I live impermanence as this character. But what I can promise you for sure that I will be with you without judgment, I know how it is to be in your shoes, maybe just a little, but it is enough.

I know what it is to be with birth, death, shame, anger, depression, not wanting to live, sickness, awakening, peace, joy, bliss, sensuality, passion, love, desire, no desire, celibacy, deep meditation, silent retreats, profound spiritual experiences, pain, suffering, humiliation, work in corporate world, yoga teaching, dancing, praying in a church, sitting in a dark retreat, working as systems analyst, working as a dishwasher, years of raw food, being married to a psychiatrist, eating burgers, gluten free, loads of gluten...I am not writing it in any particular order, just some words that arise in the mind, reflecting on my life.

Oh, surely I omitted some, I am not ready yet to put it out, I still have some old shame fixations. But you guys, know me already for 8 years, I will be stripping more, and more, and more. I will be naked role model :) I do not really have secrets, and I am not trying to better up anything, I just didn't came up with the language that will describe clearly certain experiences.

But I want to continue to reflect here, in that experiences mix also motherhood, 3 marriages, disastrously ended several friendships, aloneness and stumbling upon 3 new key people for this period of my life. In the mix also: using all kinds of "spiritual potions", including ayahuaska, toad and a frog, but mostly sitting, sitting, sitting in pain and suffering silent vipassana retreats and spontaneous inquiry in the mind: "Who am I?"

If I continue: Being shut down in marriages. Cooking, cleaning, hiding behind. Selling the house and living in a tent. Driving across the country, feeling the place to stop and settle there. Complete dissolution of body/mind, Systems Analyst at Time Warner Corporation, public assistance and food stamps. All random reflections, no timeline here.

Nursing my son, sleepless nights when he wasn't well. 3 divorces, and one more possible marriage?! There is more, and more, and more human messy and beautiful experiences, not much authoritative flavor in my life, mostly relating, people just can relate to me, you know!

The friend said she has a sticking out belly, Pfff, sure me too! I raised it to maturity like a little piggy in the last 3 years, so now I can listen to everyone who don't like what they see in the mirror! I know what the bags under the eyes, like mine, means in women: autoimmune d/o called Hashimoto and low thyroid function. You do not need to excuse yourself to me you look like shit by this time in life. Me too.

Though everyone around see me as beautiful woman, I see that my body did take a very strong hit. I also see that healing and wellbeing is possible, it is happening in my reality, you can relate to that maybe, I am all in on that. And honestly, Elena's body is amazing as is, Goddes-like! :)

Of I forgot to mention house fire, raw food community, equanimity, withdrawal, shut down emotionally. Friendliness, kindness, big picture, my unique mind that at first part of my life was totally rejected, and later in life, regarded, used, and re-used.

You know, guys, the most what I want in life is to be able to utilize my mind to guide people to better place in themselves, be that relief for today or full awakening experience.

Word "lost" I can write many times. I was so many times in my life lost in a role that I did not know myself at all, I was playing one movie after the other, with changing partners on the stage. Lost in a character and it's roles, wholeheartedly, with all my might. So believable for myself and others, that several of them still do not talk to me, because that me they used to - conforming mostly - is evaporated, and they are stuck in their image of me in their heads.

With so open design the metamorphosis is full, complete and final. Until the next cycle. I lived many cycles of life, and none of it was authentic: naked me without an unconscious role. But with awakening and maturity, all that is not mine has fallen away. There are some pieces of the old skin, they are painful as hell, because I constantly try to scrub it off, you know, like when you peel the scab on the not healed yet wound. I am very very happy that my body held on and didn't croke, and I can share my journey of 'someone next door" with myself and others.

Some of you know I started professional training to become a transformational coach. I have been spiritual drop-out for many years, but I had an insight to utilize my mind fully in the next cycle not necessarily in a spiritual circles. I want to be available and help people, anyone who resonates with authenticity, ready to be courageous, and leave behind roles and masks. Coach would be the most fitting profession for me in a society. The most fitting role for this character in this lifetime. Yes, I am trying to integrate back into society to be able to guide more people.

I do not have resources right now to pay fully for tuition and other training related expenses, so I created a GoFundMe fundrizer for this. I do appreciate those few who contributed and shared the link around. I want to ask anyone whoever benefitted from the insight from this mind or the kindness from this heart, please help me to get necessary sum. You know I contributed a lot to the humanity in the form of Liberation Unleashed community and resource, I have been counseling people for years without expecting anything in return. Would you be able to share with me now, even if it is very small amount, but drop by drop I can gather what I need. I didn't know I will come to this in this post, but why not, I do need support. Here is the link to donate:

You can also donate directly into my Paypal Become Light two words together at gmail.
Much love to my friends,

Monday, December 10, 2018

What's awakening by the way?

A friend:  What's awakening by the way?


  1. 1.
    an act of waking from sleep.
  2. 2.
    an act or moment of becoming suddenly aware of something.
I will try to explain, I did it many times, but every time I find a little different facet, so I am happy to do it again and again! Awakening word is used with different meaning, just like "god" and "love" words, it means different things for different people. In dictionary its defined as "waking up from the sleep", and this would be true what I am talking about all along. It is a profound change in perception of reality. Just like in a sleep at night you might be the character in a sleep, and many characters, but then you wake up and perception of who you are changed in the morning, and all the roles you played in a dream seen as illusionary. So the same in this walking state you see yourself as a separate being, a character, carry different roles, but who you are is not really this character. When you wake up it is clearly seen who you really are, without any doubt (but instead of waking up from the night dream, it is a Revelation in the middle of the walking state, in the middle of this life). You can't really explain to the character in the night dream who the real dreamer is, so is in this life human mind can't understand beyond itself, it is only possible to experience yourself when the dream ends. It does happen when the physical body dies, but also it does happen in the Revelation (Waking Up experience), which many sages called "Die before you die". BEING AWAKE is to live this knowing which awakening experience revealed. Mostly in life it experienced as being present moment to moment to the experience without judgment. This has nothing to do with effort to be present, it's embodied Presence itself. It also might be experienced as mindfulness moment to moment, same here, without effort to be mindful, it's clear knowing of each moment as a projection of the Mind itself. These different ways of living awake depends on the natural inclination/design of the mind/body organism, more physical/somatic based, or more mind/knowing based. I know its a lot to contemplate, mind loves to engage in contemplation, and this is very potent food for it. Contemplation and inquiry are two vehicles that help to settle the mind on finding the truth of who we are, so is meditation, focusing, silencing the mind, growing awareness while reducing unconscious thinking. Please read my other essays on this blog regarding awakening.
We are not getting older (some personal experiences, some different faucets of talking about awakening and who we are):

In Humane and Transcendent simultaneously: