Monday, February 11, 2019

"You will help a lot of people"

7 years ago in Andes mountains in Peru I was traveling in a company of four women. We were brought to a shaman who did his divinations on the coca leaves. The biggest question at that moment for me was: Will my husband come back? Yes, nothing spiritual, very much survival question. Just as everyone before me was asking mostly similar down to earth questions.
I was not well already at the time, burning my adrenals through day and night putting Liberation Unleashed (LU) into existence, and working with people constantly to develop and test the method of direct pointing. A few of us, pioneers actually got very ill in the first stage of creation of LU.

The shaman threw the leaves on the table, and immediately turned to me: "You will help a lot of people". "I know that", I said impatiently, "but what about my husband, will he come back?", this was the question of the day 
Now years later I look back on living in that empty house without any furniture, trying to renovate it after the fire, trying to navigate my son's depression and mine, trying to find strength in myself while getting more ill with some mysterious autoimmune condition that made me completely disabled to live in the society for some long time, I have so much compassion for myself. I not only survived, I indeed helped a lot of people, with direct pointing inquiry, and also taking them with me on my honest journey through the first years of awakening.
And now when I am mostly left behind by my LU community as a "casualty", been pushed out as a "ballast", I received today this letter from someone I know as John, that warmed my heart and made me smile:
"Wow I just read your latest Facebook post. Something powerful is awakening in you, and I think it will help lots of people!"
Oh, I know that one, John, I truly know it so well! ðŸ™ƒ

Peru August 2012

Friday, February 8, 2019

Spirituality and Practicality

I wrote this on Facebook today:
I am closing my fundraiser. It seems to came to energetic completion. It was transitional period for me, and I appreciate everyone who did contribute, this allowed me to pay and finish my coaching training with CTI institute. I have only one module left in March, and I am done with them (6 months of training is almost done!). I paid myself for 2 modules from my savings, a friend from Liberation Unleashed and fundraiser from my friends around the world made it possible to pay for another 3. I also helped in that too, because I was doing some coaching or consulting sessions in exchange for donations. So somehow we made it!!

I joined master coach i very much respect in some sort of apprenticeship once a week. She has different style then the one I was learning in my training, and her style very much resonates with me and my ways, it brings all together, and I am excited about it!

People, I am very serious about this, and it seems came to my life long ago as the image of the Buddha on a Bull - spirituality and practicality in one. My book about it, my writings on a blog about it, my work with people about it, even my troubles with Liberation Unleashed was about it when I tried to offer my own voice there. I came a long way with my own voice, and there is no amount of carrots in the way of some sort of disembodied enlightenment will take me from my own path. Its all merged together in me in the beautiful and real humanity I live from this , I work with people from this, I write from this.

I came from the coaching module absolutely in awe what just happened there, surely I was ready for that. I came and thought I will be writing, this is so important, but I actually went into action. And that was a sign of complete dissolving of the life long conditioning, main fixation that kept itself as thread through the lifetime. I am still keeping intention to write about it, this will go into Buddha on a Bull book, the book will be not complete without it. As full as Awakening was here, and it allowed for what followed, this piece was a linchpin, holding life scenario together on a certain trajectory, keeping me in a disempowered state.

If even after awakening from the illusion of separate self, or any degree of awakening, opening to who you are, you feel dissatisfaction, not complete, not doing what you feel is needed and calling you, if you still feel disempowered, or weak, ill, have autoimmune condition that is not improving no matter what you try --- your life is still run by deeply hidden fear. It can be anything that is so hidden in the folds of your mind and personality that you are unable to recognize and see clearly. Surely you will embrace it all from the Consciousness perspective, from Love, but still, it will be churning in the depth of your mind, and directing the life you live here.

Please do not sit withering, and think: "It's all just happening", this is the main deception of being stuck halfway, this is not true nonduality. True nonduality is living fully, and living fearlessly, living in integrity of your being, acting from love, and not control, manipulation, and fear. And very often these three are presented in a way we do not recognize them. So I am sorry to leave you at this here. Words have their limitation, and this is why I invited you for the last 8 years with unceasing conviction to go live life, instead of engaging in the conceptual conversations on facebook or following advices of people who themselves don't know, they just have bigger balls here to pretend they do, elbowing each other for their advice to be sold. Surely I exaggerate a bit, there are some here who are real and helpful, be practical about choosing whom to follow, if you absolutely need to do it. If you find yourself stick to someone for years and see no changes in the state of being, choose someone else.

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

What is "waking up" and living this human, and are you ready?

I realized a few years ago all these groups, like religious, social, political, even some environmental, and others, are created by those who run the show on earth to put people in the debates, disagreements, fear, and resentment, so we spend our life-force and be unable to live and walk free, tied up in our energy and focus on the manufactured disagreements. So is all the new age, spiritual and neo advaita are from the same forces to make people either overly focused on perpetual seeking to transcend the ordinary state of mind, or inert and pacified after half-way transcendence. Therefore everyone need to follow someone, without a group we are feeling incomplete and lost what we are doing here. We need someone to show us direction and to tell us what is correct or not. 

Truly awake man does not look for the direction from others, does not need to follow the leader, does not need to affirm his intent by belonging to a group, or affirm his awakeness by concepts. To be truly awake the mind transcendence is not enough.  The vertical journey of the mind expansion must be accompanied by moving on the horizontal plane by maturation, growing as an adult, clearing the mind fixations, opening the heart to see divinity, and love humanness in everyone.  

The inclusive grouping, shunning people, pushing people away who just start to raise their head, who start questioning the direction of the leader, who start to be curious and not blindly following, would be worthy to notice, but we are so blindfolded, unable, and feared to be outcicled, we keep silent and inert. We remain in the middle of the herd, assured we have a warm and comfortable place to stay as we are, protected in our disempowerment.  And this is exactly what forces at play want: that we are either under the illusion of living as a small separate human beings, or we are under the illusion that we are awake, still directed by others, unable to be the true human we are.
We are given a carrot that we follow with all might, something under the idea of “freedom”, and we spend all life following the carrot, wasting our life force and creativity, only to arrive to exhaustion.  Unable to orient ourselves, we fall into following gurus, leaders, teachers, methods, trying to keep ourselves in relative comfort, settling on the imaginary freedom from the previous state of mind, only to be imprisoned by modified state that has nothing to do with real freedom. 

We do feel it at times, the discomfort, but we rather tuck ourselves further into the warm company of the same lost group with just the same lost leader, who just has bigger balls to say they know, or they depend by their livelihood on proclaiming themselves a leader. Did you here the saying: “Blind leading the blind?” Welcome to modern times of humanity, and spirituality as well.  

And so this is all created so we stay either under the illusion of been small disempowered humans, or we stay as separate groups that are in constant debates with each other, like religious groups, political, social, spiritual, and all kinds of congregations. We loose the sight of who we are, we spend energy on perpetual movement that does not go anywhere, it’s a circle that we are running around with an impression we live a purposeful life. This is exactly what they want us to do, spending our time here as a slave to hidden agendas in the Matrix.  

It is more elaborate then any movie can portray.  What gives a chance to glance out of the prison is complete honestly with yourself, and even that might not work, since one simply is not able to have the level of honesty needed, unconsciously been conditioned from the early childhood to be a slave of the thinking mind.  This is a human condition, and the only way out is to wake up to who we truly are as Consciousness itself, and when we have a glance of the fullness of our being, instead of grasping for the leader’s skirt, or holding on to the groups, walk out, and make your own path through rite of passage of maturity as a human being. 

Anyone who did not make their own tracks in the mud, but keep up with tracks of others, are not awake, but hypnotized by their own mind that they are, keeping themselves from real freedom. You will tell me yes it’s true, but this very teacher and his method is correct. I will still tell you leave your false lifeline, leave it behind, and step into unexplored, unfamiliar, scary at first, life outside familiar circle. Then only you will have a chance. This act itself will give you what you need in order to let go of mind fixations, life will support a true warrior, but it’s an outwardly lone journey. 
Are you are ready?

Friday, January 25, 2019

It is never too late to wake up !

Never too late to wake up, my friend!
Close your eyes, sink into the darkness of the absence of the visual input.
Find the moment between the in-breathe and out-breath, 
sink into that pause.  Relax physicality, just let go of the constantly held tensions.

Notice the silence.  It is so deep and nurturing, it is almost calling you in,
constantly, without any demand.
You might open your eyes, without attachment to any images around, 
rest with your eyes open, in the same nurturing silence.

You might notice that sounds happen without your participation.
You might notice that visual field is just there.
You might notice that you are actually more noticing, a witness, 
then the person you are.

See that for you to hear no need to do "hearing”.
For you to see, no need to do "seeing”, for you to feel, no need to do "feeling”.  All your life you thought you need to do, nope, it’s just happening. 
In the sea of hearing, seeing, feeling, there is this noticing, witnessing.

I know, this might sounds like too far fetch to grasp it,
but I do not ask you to understand, or figure out, this does not work this way.  It is more resting the thinking mind, and see what’s there, 
besides its constant tension, chatter, and suggestions.

Gosh, this is the simplest things of all, and this is the hardest at the same time.  Since early age we are conditioned to look at the world 
through the thinking mind, a narrow prism, and it insures we live in the illusion of who we are.  Illusion of a separate me living in the world of separate objects. 

It is never to late to wake up. 
It can happen any time, any moment! 
Why? Because there is nothing needs to be created anew, 
nothing to be added in terms of knowledge, do not look for it in the books.  
The narrow prism through which we perceive the world needs to dissolve.

It is never too late, my friend, to recall who you are besides this body and the brain.  It is never reclaim the fullness of you.  It is never too late to really see who you are, to know.  You just need a burning desire for the truth, thats all you need.  And it is also not your personal choice, not a mundane curiosity of the mind.

Then what it is?  It is a mystery, my friend.  The thirst for truth comes from the depth of the being, it is the longing.  Can you do longing, or it happens by itself?  It does.  At some point in human life this great longing for who we are descends, and there is no way you will dismiss it, until it is fulfilled. 

You might mistaken this longing for wanting better relationships, better job, healthier, stronger body, more connections, more things, more stuff, better stuff.   This happens often when we do not know why we still unhappy, still longing, in spite of all the stuff and the relationships we accumulated.

The nagging feeling, learn to recognize it.  It is calling you to yourself.  It is calling you home.  The home that is always there, you separated from it only by the prism of narrow perception.  Again, sink in, relax, and notice what’s there.

The body tensions, breathing, thoughts - this constant movement that holds attention, let it be.  No need to follow that, let it do what it does, you just be here.  Notice that you are alone, or not, in pain, or not, emotional, or not,
There is an awareness of it.  Of being alone, of pain, or of emotion.

This tiny fact of something being aware of anything thats happening just now is underestimated and devalued by the thinking mind.  To the degree of absolute denial.  And here is, my friend, where you turn the prism, turn the attention there.  What happens next…

Perhaps just nothing.  The thinking mind is too strong to hold the prism in one direction.  Do not despair, do not give up, just practice turning the attention.  Thats all it is, no matter where you are and what you do, just for a moment stop, and turn attention to yourself, the silent witness.

I want to warn you here of the tension.  If you strain your eyes, or jaws, or  body, then this is “doing”, and it is again, is run by thinking mind.  What I am taking is more like a glance rather then looking, it's momentary recognition of what is always here.

You read or listen to me now, what do you do for this?  Absolutely nothing.
In fact, you can’t undo the listening or seeing.  The mind offering suggestions what is happening: “you doing it”, “you are the doer”. 
But can you see that listening does happen before you even say: “I listen”.

This “I” precedes every sentence, it’s a prism.  Everything is happening, and then the “I” comes in and make it solid.  Concrete and separated from the rest. Illusion we live in.  Wake up, my friend, turn the attention to yourself, the being you are, the consciousness, the silent witness.  Just ditch the prism. Remember who you are.

It doesn’t mean at all that you be formless ghost, form happens in this world, 
it’s nature of existence.  The human being you are is like a costume 
for who you are. Unlimited, Unbound, Witnessing Awareness... 

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Cycles, Weather, Being

Everything in life has a cyclic nature. When I was young, I couldn’t really see it, this realization comes with living life longer. When I was in Gurgieff Way I really admired this strong woman Madame De Salzman, she became a matriarch in the Gurgieff Work after he died. She said once: "It is important to live long". The more I live, more I agree with this. She was saying this in regards to waking up, that long life naturally start to aid the awakening, especially if one is aiming for it.

One of the benefit of living is starting to notice cyclic nature of this reality. Some cycles are short, like our days and nights, or four major periods in a year, where we can see and experience change in nature. Some cycles are much longer, and one needs to live through a few of them to notice the change. What helped me to see the longer cycles in life is Vedic astrology. I have this peculiar mind which curious in any subject matter that might help with understanding how things work in this world, and I studied many of them. I never wanted to become a professional in a particular body of knowledge, any system, but I spent years looking into different modalities, trained in some of them, and still use some of them to get a quick snapshot of the energies present.

My mind is of integrative nature, it reads information from every possible direction, it notices many things simultaneously, most of the time it is a pure insight that I can't explain at first, with time I would see the structure of the insight, the more time passes, the more I would be able to explain. Cycles are one of the phenomenon my mind notices. One of the most known acknowledgment of cycles in life is this old saying: "This too shall pass". I lived the spontaneous change in mindstates so many times while sitting long Vipassana meditations and retreats, this is ingrained in me. The change is inevitable, and it is only the matter of time.

In Vedic astrology there is a teaching about energy cycles through human life, and these big cycles have many levels of smaller cycles. I have been following my own and other's people I guided, and every time it is sort of a miracle to me, I still can't take it as a given, it is so accurate, it blows my mind. I submit to the ancient wisdom of pointing us to cycles in life. I noticed it for so long that I can talk about it to you with confidence: when you are in despair and angst, just know that this will not be forever, this will change. So is the same with bliss, please do not assume that this is who you are and this is how you will live to the rest of this existence.

We are not any of these changes in nature, or in the mind: bliss or depression are not us, its more a weather of being, like a weather in nature. We are the same through any weather, any cycles, difficult or easy. Noticing the change helps not to identify with any particular point of life, just like aging doesn't change who you are. Newborn, young, adult, or old, you are the same being - these are just cycles in a human physical development, aren't they?

I see some of you going through difficult times right now, please do not despair. Please do not get involved with the mind so much so you loose the perspective. If your mind agitated already, remove yourself from mental activities, especially on social media, find a way to be more physical, engage body more, work with the earth, like gardening, or even take a physical job for a while. I did it myself when I took a job of a dishwasher in Esalen. Don't be afraid to loose a status or an image, it is only for a while, and you will gain a different perspective in life.

If you feel lethargic and dull in the mind, do not fill it in with random information on the internet, engage in the activities that balance body energies, so the brain is nourished and fueled better. Some movements like walking in the forest, on the beach, doing tai chi or yoga, will harmonize and refresh gently without overstimulation and burn out cycles.

If you are in bliss, share it. Share freely through the heart and mind, hug as many humans as possible, dance with them, celebrate yourself and everyone who comes by. Spread bliss onto the world, include others in it. The most important is do not get high on your own amaze-ball-ness as it is a permanent state of being, stay in a humble wonder.

Just simply be you through any weather, and help others see that in themselves as well 💓

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Why Coaching? Why expensive? Why now? Why, Elena?!

I get some well-meaning letters from my friends around the world with the question why I decided that training in coaching is necessary for me and why I would not choose less expensive program, something quick, on-line, simple model, or not certify at all...Great questions!
Why training in coaching is necessary for me?
On a level of who IAM I am done searching, friends, I am so complete, I have no an inch or an ounce of drive to seek for who I am, looking for home, seeking for Enlightenment. Done. You can question that, doubt that, wonder at that, be amazed by that, but I just smile, because I do not have doubts of what is obvious, and the seeking energy came to it's rest years ago. Hallelujah, what was seeking half a lifetime found itself! Who knows me personally, I am in perpetual celebration mode while I am living this complex human! :) This human is all about authenticity, and she will do everything to see more clearly into her own old fixations, and share it openly for others to relate and help them to look and release limitations. And who still think that Awakening makes you automatically a saint, please follow my blog Complete Humanity, I question this assumption all the time in my writings.

Why I would not choose less expensive program?

The program I am in is EXPERIENTIAL. You know what it means? It means everything for me, because if this would be sitting in a class and listening to someone, I would run away, even if it cost 10 times less. If this would be on-line, I would fall asleep by myself watching webinars. I need high paced, intense experiential program to keep myself engaged in learning. About myself! About this human character that has its own unique characteristics, gifts and shadows. In this program I work on my own shadow material that is so right into my face when I am constantly challenged without any identity to hide behind! Its easier to slide a mask of a teacher, a hat "I know", but I am curious by nature, and life is more alive when you do not stand on anything solid, so I got into the "beginners mind", the Fool archetype, and I see what happens in that potent space. And it is so so helpful to see the remaining fixations and let them fade in the experiential space. I am feeling so grateful for the ability to easily take on the "I don't know hat" instead of constantly checking if "I know" hat is straight. (some people, especially women use "crown" instead of a hat :) )

Why not certify at all and just coach?

I did just that for YEARS. And now I want to certify! Why? I realized that I would like to work with people face to face, local people, my town people, and for them certification is a sign of professionalism. And you would trust me more as well, I know, if I am insightful as it gets, direct as I am, AND I am professional, isn't it right?! We get so many false profits on Facebook who claim to be gurus, teachers, masters, and at the end you find out that they have no solid integrity, they constantly cross your boundaries, they subtly manipulate, they pretend they know and council others while their own life is a mess! Don't you want to talk to someone who is authentic, integral, TOOK CARE of their own shit, non-judgmental of yours, and knows how to curb it in the best possible way, always keeping you in their perception as FREE, INNOCENT, PURE AWAREness ? Don't you feel, and even see logically, this is the most beneficial and holistic approach to true liberation? Yes, certification is not necessary for this for me, but for some clients, yes, they want to see the solid foundation behind my smily face.
Why now?

I had a wake up call when I realized I do not have money to do any dental work I need to do in order to not later do a surgery on the sinuses. I even went so far as going to Tihuana recently to see if I can get dental work in Mexico, if it is more affordable. I returned only with clean teeth :), I did not have money to do the work needed. I realized that all this time while I was putting my energy and focus on creating the direct pointing method and Liberation Unleashed, promoting, counseling freely for many many years, I was living away my savings, until they were gone. What a great example to those I counseled! This is exactly why I am doing the work on myself through this training, "personal work", as many nonduality teachers and students find unnecessary, at least it's my perception. Why to do the work, if you wake up, you are pure and perfect by nature! I tell you, yes they are right! In my training we had this small exercise to envision a billboard in San Fransisco, and what would I like to put there for people in traffic, and you know what I wrote? "YOU ARE PERFECT! It doesn't matter how you feel right now. You are perfect as you are. Enjoy the journey called LIFE!"

And yet, the human energetics are here, close to the skin, aren't they? You are perfect in your anger, and in the sadness you are perfect, and in the joy as well. And we can attend to all that is there, without hiding from anything, like the sun that shines onto everything without exceptions, why not to dress the wound that is bleeding? Why not to use ointment on the scar? Same with anything that is emotional and energetic in nature, we can attend to anything without shying from it, as something non existing, illusionary, and therefore not needing attention. At this time of my life I got clear on my next life-continuing activity, and if you want to help, I will be glad you participated, even in a small contribution, or sharing my fundraiser on your wall. The amount is not that much important. Maybe I helped you in a past, or maybe in a future I would be able to reciprocate, we never know when and how we will benefit each other, and how we constantly walk each other home.

I love you 💗

if you feel like contributing: Elena's fundriser for tuition And why this illustration? My new friend told me what her teacher Mooji told her:
" karma is like farting in a space suit, at some point , you will feel its effect"

Saturday, December 15, 2018

Organic maturation in awakening

I am noticing how at peace I am with myself, even in the middle of some stormy circumstances, I am calm. This is not the calm out of detachment "there is no me", "me is an illusion", this is calm of the beingness, it feels like my heart is at peace, my body is relaxed, my mind is calm. I have been patiently waiting for it, I knew there is no way to make it happen, other then live and let it all settle by itself. The big changes in me in the last several years really visible to the naked eye: I am not in the conforming character anymore, I live and walk my talk.

I do not need to protect any image of being somebody, or being beyond being somebody, or an image of transcendent somebody. I am grateful to life to see this fairy early in my years (relatively) after waking up, that negate the human, the character/the roles we play, adopt the concept as world as an illusion, while energetically still participating in it until the death of the physical form, will only be fooling myself. It will be giving green light to the clever and adaptive mind to create another illusion of no me, but basically just another identity. I do not see that living in this very character needs to be changed on living in "no character", for me for sure it doesn't make sense. I know it, because I did live it for first couple of years, and I somehow I knew that this was not the truth.

This world is an illusion, yes, the form, the name does not exist, its a fractal, a holographic image in the space of consciousness, the closest metaphor I can find at the moment. I had a direct and profound experience of it, this is why I am where I am now in my being. I had been re-worked from "head to toes" :) And also though continues inquiry through the years I discovered that my mind naturally inclined to Revelation beyond the physical world. My mind also is inclined to sensing the physicality continually, so it mostly always present to what is happening. Between these two my life turns, as one wise man said :) Different mind states arise in the field of pure consciousness, and life is happening organically, as it is always is. I am conscious.

But I found that suppression of what's already here and available, and creation of something illusionary in the mind as "no-self", "no character" takes a lot of life force to maintain it. If one lives in the immediacy of being, and feel complete every night when they go to bed, then they fully lived and utilized this very character of theirs to it's full capacity, and there is no need to even doubt it, no need to invalidate it, deny it, or suppress, no need to go beyond it, or transcend it. Do you see how it works? It works naturally.

You do not need to do really anything, but continue to live what's here. You do not need to pretend you are not this person, you just fine to be this person, or this character. The issue arise only when we want to build something else then what it is: build awake image, enlightened persona, something that falls into our idea of us as awake, authority, teacher. Other then that, who the heck cares you think about yourself as a character or "no-character" in daily life? I love to be in a company of awake friends, those who do not deny their humanness, so we just have a good time, without affirming to each other that we are not really selves here.

Though I sort of left non-duality community, I have written a lot for this community, because I saw many were stuck in a temporary nihilistic zone for too long. Denial and nihilism happens to most, the integration into life as a human for some is really tough endeavor. I will continue to write on the maturation in awakening beyond temporary stations. Since I am denied access to LiberationUnleashed Page, you can find my writings on my blog Complete Humanity.

My apologies for posting my fundraiser to cover my tuition costs at the end of my posts. This is temporary, and you do not need to act in any way. I learn as I go. I saw artists, creatives posts a link to their gofundme page on their blog to support their efforts, and I tried this way, and I greatly appreciate everyone who helped. Elena's GoFundMe page

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

What are you here to bring to this world and to learn in this lifetime?

One thing that I learnt living life is that we never know what is actually right for another. I know I am living this last portion of my life to learn courage and by my own example to help others in the same. If you suggest me to sit back, walk away quietly, do some inner inquiry instead of standing up, you do not understand that this is what I have done all my life. Since early years when this mechanism was developed in a young child to protect her life, I always wend deep into myself. Later in life I would go deep with inquiry.

I can't afford this anymore, this method will take my life, I have been there before. I have to stand up. It's not natural for me to stand up, its not easy, it is very uncomfortable, and my body doesn't like it, but it does like it more then not to speak up. It appreciates there is movement of energy out instead of all directed in. Said that, my main work is done, I found what I was seeking all my life, I do not need to pretend to be more spiritual, or more light, or more awake. I know who I am and what limitations I am against in this body and mind, and I am fine to work within certain parameters of these limitations.

Find out what your main theme of this lifetime, what you were born to bring to the world, what to learn, how to move correctly for yourself. This will be such a relief for you that you can be yourself without judgment. That you don't have to follow any homogenized expectations how you should be, live, and behave. If you here to plant kindness, do it, but do not expect that planting kindness is my job here, though I am generally carry kindness in my being, I am planting courage this lifetime, and surely this will sometimes look maybe too abrasive, but for me, just right.

How do I know? You ever tried something that everyone says is good, only arrived to the lifeless space, ready to die, because the organism have no energy to continue life? I did. I tried to be desire-less, emotionless, impartial witness, and I actually tried all kinds of states that did not really work, because the next step would be a grave. We do not need to be anything other then us feeling complete at the moment, if sitting back is complete for you, you are at peace and harmony, then it is healthy, but if sitting back means listening to fears, brush them off and stand up. If anyone tell you to better sit, you explain them that standing up is more healthy for you. They might understand or not, please walk your own path to completeness. It is not the same for everybody.

The spirit animates these bodies to do different work in the world, find and respect your own work. We are one Consciousness that come forth in all these forms. Sometimes they collide, it does only mean that it's all alive, and we only can aim to do the correct work.

If you moved to help me:
Elena's GoFundMe page

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Spontaneous Letter to my readers, friends, you guys.

I am changing dramatically as this Elena woman of 50 y.o approaching her Chiron Return next year. It seem to me as the floor for me to stand on is getting re-assembled. I floated enough to be grounded again. I have no idea how this all will turn out. Maybe my body went through point of no return having adrenal exhaustion after profound awakening experience and having no clue what's going on, and letting so many things run not correctly for almost 8 years! Or maybe, the re-Mission which I know here, will sew and heal what was damaged. I can wait and see how this will go. You can trust me, I will tell you like it is. I was too lost for too long in my life not to be 100% true to my experience and sharing it with others, so maybe someone will benefit from authentic sharing along the way.

Some of you know, by Human Design system, I am a Mental Projector (Elena is), with the specific design of the mind of someone here who is born to live almost 50 years all kinds of human experiences, full range of it, so in the last years of her life she will become not only a guide and a visionary as a Mental Projector, but also a role model.

I have been coming to this new role for couple of years already, absolutely humbled, leaving behind tons of mind conditioning, people who does not want to except completely changed character, and moving into a new, last period of my life where I have an experience and the knowing to prepare to be an elder I was born this lifetime to be.

The kind of an "elder next door": not in any way special, in a contrary, very much relating, since she did live all kinds of human experiences, a full range, that there is always an understanding in her of anything anyone goes through at the moment - she lived most of it, or some version of it. This is the base, the foundation I am finding myself on: the variety of human experiences.

This is where I draw compassion from. To every human being, in any situation, I feel compassion. I am compassion at that very moment of communing with someone in struggle. It doesn't mean I will weep with you, because I know how impermanent human experiences are, I live impermanence as this character. But what I can promise you for sure that I will be with you without judgment, I know how it is to be in your shoes, maybe just a little, but it is enough.

I know what it is to be with birth, death, shame, anger, depression, not wanting to live, sickness, awakening, peace, joy, bliss, sensuality, passion, love, desire, no desire, celibacy, deep meditation, silent retreats, profound spiritual experiences, pain, suffering, humiliation, work in corporate world, yoga teaching, dancing, praying in a church, sitting in a dark retreat, working as systems analyst, working as a dishwasher, years of raw food, being married to a psychiatrist, eating burgers, gluten free, loads of gluten...I am not writing it in any particular order, just some words that arise in the mind, reflecting on my life.

Oh, surely I omitted some, I am not ready yet to put it out, I still have some old shame fixations. But you guys, know me already for 8 years, I will be stripping more, and more, and more. I will be naked role model :) I do not really have secrets, and I am not trying to better up anything, I just didn't came up with the language that will describe clearly certain experiences.

But I want to continue to reflect here, in that experiences mix also motherhood, 3 marriages, disastrously ended several friendships, aloneness and stumbling upon 3 new key people for this period of my life. In the mix also: using all kinds of "spiritual potions", including ayahuaska, toad and a frog, but mostly sitting, sitting, sitting in pain and suffering silent vipassana retreats and spontaneous inquiry in the mind: "Who am I?"

If I continue: Being shut down in marriages. Cooking, cleaning, hiding behind. Selling the house and living in a tent. Driving across the country, feeling the place to stop and settle there. Complete dissolution of body/mind, Systems Analyst at Time Warner Corporation, public assistance and food stamps. All random reflections, no timeline here.

Nursing my son, sleepless nights when he wasn't well. 3 divorces, and one more possible marriage?! There is more, and more, and more human messy and beautiful experiences, not much authoritative flavor in my life, mostly relating, people just can relate to me, you know!

The friend said she has a sticking out belly, Pfff, sure me too! I raised it to maturity like a little piggy in the last 3 years, so now I can listen to everyone who don't like what they see in the mirror! I know what the bags under the eyes, like mine, means in women: autoimmune d/o called Hashimoto and low thyroid function. You do not need to excuse yourself to me you look like shit by this time in life. Me too.

Though everyone around see me as beautiful woman, I see that my body did take a very strong hit. I also see that healing and wellbeing is possible, it is happening in my reality, you can relate to that maybe, I am all in on that. And honestly, Elena's body is amazing as is, Goddes-like! :)

Of I forgot to mention house fire, raw food community, equanimity, withdrawal, shut down emotionally. Friendliness, kindness, big picture, my unique mind that at first part of my life was totally rejected, and later in life, regarded, used, and re-used.

You know, guys, the most what I want in life is to be able to utilize my mind to guide people to better place in themselves, be that relief for today or full awakening experience.

Word "lost" I can write many times. I was so many times in my life lost in a role that I did not know myself at all, I was playing one movie after the other, with changing partners on the stage. Lost in a character and it's roles, wholeheartedly, with all my might. So believable for myself and others, that several of them still do not talk to me, because that me they used to - conforming mostly - is evaporated, and they are stuck in their image of me in their heads.

With so open design the metamorphosis is full, complete and final. Until the next cycle. I lived many cycles of life, and none of it was authentic: naked me without an unconscious role. But with awakening and maturity, all that is not mine has fallen away. There are some pieces of the old skin, they are painful as hell, because I constantly try to scrub it off, you know, like when you peel the scab on the not healed yet wound. I am very very happy that my body held on and didn't croke, and I can share my journey of 'someone next door" with myself and others.

Some of you know I started professional training to become a transformational coach. I have been spiritual drop-out for many years, but I had an insight to utilize my mind fully in the next cycle not necessarily in a spiritual circles. I want to be available and help people, anyone who resonates with authenticity, ready to be courageous, and leave behind roles and masks. Coach would be the most fitting profession for me in a society. The most fitting role for this character in this lifetime. Yes, I am trying to integrate back into society to be able to guide more people.

I do not have resources right now to pay fully for tuition and other training related expenses, so I created a GoFundMe fundrizer for this. I do appreciate those few who contributed and shared the link around. I want to ask anyone whoever benefitted from the insight from this mind or the kindness from this heart, please help me to get necessary sum. You know I contributed a lot to the humanity in the form of Liberation Unleashed community and resource, I have been counseling people for years without expecting anything in return. Would you be able to share with me now, even if it is very small amount, but drop by drop I can gather what I need. I didn't know I will come to this in this post, but why not, I do need support. Here is the link to donate:

You can also donate directly into my Paypal Become Light two words together at gmail.
Much love to my friends,

Monday, December 10, 2018

What's awakening by the way?

A friend:  What's awakening by the way?


  1. 1.
    an act of waking from sleep.
  2. 2.
    an act or moment of becoming suddenly aware of something.
I will try to explain, I did it many times, but every time I find a little different facet, so I am happy to do it again and again! Awakening word is used with different meaning, just like "god" and "love" words, it means different things for different people. In dictionary its defined as "waking up from the sleep", and this would be true what I am talking about all along. It is a profound change in perception of reality. Just like in a sleep at night you might be the character in a sleep, and many characters, but then you wake up and perception of who you are changed in the morning, and all the roles you played in a dream seen as illusionary. So the same in this walking state you see yourself as a separate being, a character, carry different roles, but who you are is not really this character. When you wake up it is clearly seen who you really are, without any doubt (but instead of waking up from the night dream, it is a Revelation in the middle of the walking state, in the middle of this life). You can't really explain to the character in the night dream who the real dreamer is, so is in this life human mind can't understand beyond itself, it is only possible to experience yourself when the dream ends. It does happen when the physical body dies, but also it does happen in the Revelation (Waking Up experience), which many sages called "Die before you die". BEING AWAKE is to live this knowing which awakening experience revealed. Mostly in life it experienced as being present moment to moment to the experience without judgment. This has nothing to do with effort to be present, it's embodied Presence itself. It also might be experienced as mindfulness moment to moment, same here, without effort to be mindful, it's clear knowing of each moment as a projection of the Mind itself. These different ways of living awake depends on the natural inclination/design of the mind/body organism, more physical/somatic based, or more mind/knowing based. I know its a lot to contemplate, mind loves to engage in contemplation, and this is very potent food for it. Contemplation and inquiry are two vehicles that help to settle the mind on finding the truth of who we are, so is meditation, focusing, silencing the mind, growing awareness while reducing unconscious thinking. Please read my other essays on this blog regarding awakening.
We are not getting older (some personal experiences, some different faucets of talking about awakening and who we are):

In Humane and Transcendent simultaneously: