Saturday, June 23, 2018

On change.


As with any movement repeated for years,
it’s easier to keep the same steps going, automatically.  
What if we stop in the middle of the song, vulnerable, 
trembling with fear to make a mistake, but willing?  
Willing to change the music, 
willing to change the pattern of our movement and our relating.  
Willing to step from each other and look into the eyes.  
Willing to see the other and what they really want.  
Willing to see what we want.  
Willing to want!  
Do you feel the chills through your body? I do! 
Because I know how scary this sudden stop can be.  
Haw daring it looks from outside, and probably unsafe.  
Same music will try to take you again on the same waltz, 
when you are so damn ready to let go into rhythm of flamenco! 
You might grip on each other at times, taking each other again and again 
on the same spin around the hall. 
But isn’t it like the last dance of the night, you both know: it is over? 
Take your shoes off, relax, my dear friend.  There will be more of this, 
and there will be more music next week!
 Maybe same partner, maybe not,
but surely you will keep dancing!








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Friday, June 22, 2018

Beyond Peace of Mind

Please drop this idea that you will become peaceful and happy if you wake up. Yes you might have these periods, but awakening is not into peace, but into clarity of who we are. From that clarity peace of mind might come, but still there will be different situations in life, and the mind will still do his reactions. At one point might be not peace, but fury, but would you be judging a child who tripped and fell down, and is crying in all his might? But look at him couple of minutes later, he is laughing like crazy! Who we are is crying, laughing and all in between, and have no preference for the mind state, only mind itself does. Mind has these ideas how to be awake, do not listen to that crap, just be like that spontaneous child. This is what is what life of nobility is about: to find peace that is beyond peace of mind.

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Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Computer analogy to awakening




Just like computer hardware 
doesn't really have any preference
of what program is running right now, 

Word processor or an Excel, 
it is there to hold any program, 
so is awareness holds any mind state, 
any experience, any energy movement, 
any transient world phenomena.  
The recognition of awareness in the moment 
frees one from the limitation 
of any image that created by the mind.  
Right at the moment 
there is an experience of knowing who I am, 
without doubt, clear, not covered 
by the vividness of this apparent world illusion 
that felt very real a moment ago.  
It is sort of a switch from the enticing graphics 
to the computer screen, hardware 
that in itself is a blank slate that can display 
any images of any program.
It contains all the possibilities of the technology.  
That noticing of awareness is a total system reboot.  
It takes only a split second, given that the system 
is not running too many old programs at the same time 
which slow and freeze the system 
on a current window-mind state.


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Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Lovemaking as a divine transmutative experience




Lovemaking as a divine transmutative experience
is a gift available to human beings in this lifetime.
It opens them to the essence of who they are
to taste the completeness of one’s being
in the divine alchemy of merging.
It opens them to the new possibilities, 
inviting them to become a vehicle of authenticity 
in this world.

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Monday, May 28, 2018

You are not your head






The thinking mind flattens mystery, creates a doer,
and makes a surrogate controller of this life.
The walking heads that each of them a center,
or what it seems to them, they live complete illusion.
The Being is never bound, 

you are not your head.




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Saturday, May 26, 2018

Freedom to Be




Hey, you already free! “Yeah, yeah”, you tell me, “just another concept!”.
What if it is not? Perhaps it is in your imagination

that you are bound tight, my friend!
My own mind throws these ideas too, sometimes,
along with stories and a feeling, in no time I find myself in,
believing stories, and therefore, the limitation.

Lets see vulnerability as it’s a virtue. 
Being sensitive and know what you feel,
not running, not denying, not deflecting.  Just raw.  Whatever is.
May scare others, and even you! Or might confuse,
might be misunderstanding even!  Who cares, friend, just be.  
Relax and take your time, if needed.

The unfamiliar is scary, sure, I agree.  But how many possibilities it holds  
if you just breath, and let it be, and see. Surprise, it’s life!
Familiar or not, it is one scene of a life after another, what to fear!  
This scene, this event, a face, a character, or other.  
Just flow like a creek around boulders
that knows nothing of the next it’s turn.

You might choose usual survival role, the one that proper for the situation.
Or you can breath like a newborn, and even cry, 
and feel the overwhelm of the contracting forces.  
Whatever you decide to be is fine.
The feelings are not you and they do not describe you.
In that allowance you might find freedom, friend!

The life of human being is constant exploration.   
Close your eyes, relax your shoulders, breath.
Would it be great to have a comfort of adventure,
unknown, new? Say Yes to the experience of life!
Expansion follows the freedom, and true vice versa too.  
Just be. You be surprised that nothing needs be fixed.

Acceptance is inherent part of the awareness.  
And everything has their right to be: the virtues, difficulties, hardships, 
joy, happiness and understanding,
misunderstanding just as much!
The painting has many colours, the dark ones and the light together.
They bring the human being alive in pairs. Can you see?
Participation fully is required.  Just be. 












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Wednesday, May 23, 2018

A hands-on project





A hands-on project!


I know some things in life seems not perfect 
In the sense mind see perfection,
but I know it is perfect 
as anything that exists is perfect in it’s essence.

Mind’s view on perfection is always through comparison.
Mind is the logical tool to make analysis. 
It is wonderful technology, and it does it’s job well.
So where is the bug that is hidden in a system?

Mind compares two events and makes a valuation.
The valuation of event against an event is the correct valuation.
This is the value of a human mind, to discern.
The mind is an operating system.

The error hides in the system as a virus.
G.I.Gurgieff, the great mystic of the 20th century
called this virus an organ Kundabuffer. It was implanted into humans
to veil the truth of our existence.

This is an allegorical explanation, a myth that aims to answer 
the universal question of who we are, and why we don’t know.  
Seems like a flower just living it’s purpose and 
It flowers without such concerns.

What is the virus in the mind? It’s an “I”, the phantom -
constructed, reinforced through life the notion of “me” -
the illusionary separation of being from the rest of the existence.
This mentally constructed entity becomes the faulty center.

Instead of running comparison between two events,
the mind now has a new reference point to which he compares everything.
But don’t forger, this reference point is a phantom, it does not exist!
How the valuation of the mind now can be true!?

There is a rainy day, and mind, instead of making simple valuation: “Rainy”,
diverts it’s valuation to the “I”,
Does “I” have preference for one event and not another?
The program now has an extra step, and valuation based on the illusion!

The rain and the sunshine both are equal events,
one has more water element it it, and one - more fire.
But when you add the preference of “I” to the equation, 
What mind calculates and give as output is rigged.

Please take a note of this information.
It might not change mind overnight. 
The concept of an “I” that separate from life was blindly believed for many years!
Imagine how deep the root of this illusion is! 

Whoever deep the root, can be eradicated!
You start with questioning of it’s belonging to a garden first.
Then find proper tools. Awareness is the key, 
and also a love for truth, a big one, grab it!

I wish you all success.  There is a lot of help.
In books, the teachers, videos, and such.
But as the flower will not come up by watching videos, you need to plant it,
The same is with awakening to truth,  it is a hands-on project! 

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Saturday, May 19, 2018

The movie of a lifetime



By this time in life I have parted with many people.
Some of them died, some I divorced, 
from some I ran away,  some left me, 
and one walked out in his sleepers! It was in Brooklyn,1996.
He left to the store to buy some bread for dinner.
I saw him years later with another woman, walking.
We pass each other as pedestrians on the street, with no exchange.
Only I felt as I was hit by a truck. For a moment.
But I kept walking and rolling the stroller with my baby. 

The movies of our lives are incredible!  Straight from Hollywood!
Full of action, sometimes danger, adventure, some horror scenes even, 
anything that makes adrenaline move and feel as vulnerable human!
Some movies are from Bollywood!
With passion, tears, embraces and rejections!   
Everyone loves romance too much!  
“I love you!”, “No, I love you more!”
And then it turns into the Hollywood again with some
action, sometimes danger, adventure, some horror scenes even.

The wheel of maya turns without pause.  
The movie is projected the day we born as vulnerable human,
addicted to pleasure and running from pain
through all the different scenes of the movie.
We are a main character, best actor and a Star!
The movie lasts a lifetime, just play it well, goddamit,
until the end! No questions asked.
What makes you suddenly suspicious, brother, 
that what you think you are is actually not?

How that glitch happens that for a moment you see
the feeling that hits you like a truck, 
is just a part you playing, and so perfect, sister! 
What happens when you suddenly see thoughts 
are not yours, friend, but they just there?
What happens when you find the body is a vision?
This happens to some actors, suddenly we're tired.
We are fed up and take the costume off:
“Done for today, maestro”.

Well, no worries, we back and ready for adventure!  In a moment.
This lifetime, friend, is not for disembodied mind.
We can’t just leave the body like a costume laying there, unattended.
We back to it, but now we remember - it’s a movie.
Not suffering a loss, not separating and not left behind. 
Not birthing child, not aging, not dying, and not being born.  
You see, awake and living it, the human, no problem!
Until the heavy curtains shut the screen-lifetime, we are performing artists!
But in reality we are at least, performing arts. 







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Thursday, May 17, 2018

Today's song

So what is the value of saying it again
and again,
and again?
It is not a choice really, to say or not to say.
It is openness to what is here to be expressed.
For some, it is every day loving kindness,
for some it is every day cooking nourishing meal,
for some it is hugs that envelop and relax,
and for some, it is speaking of what is needed to be spoken out.
It can vary day to day, it might be repeating the same message
with slight variations, nuances and flavors,
connecting one day with one being, and the next -
with the other.
We all hear and resonate with different words, different rhythms and different frequencies.
You may say: "It is so boring! How you can do it?!"
This is what I always thought about performers,
how they manage to sing the same song for a lifetime?!
I am singing this Song of Awakening for many years,
and I know this song will continue!
It all depends on the audience,
who is there to sing for today.
I always sing for those in the front row, you choose where you want to sit today!

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Friday, May 11, 2018

Kaboom!!


You know what is the biggest obstacle 
on a path of awakening?  
It is the very notion that you are not awake!
It is like you are your own hypnotherapist 
giving yourself suggestions constantly:

“I need to wake up!”, “I am asleep!”, “I need help!”
Maybe better look this way:
You are fully aware of being asleep,
is that right? 
Now
shift your attention 
to that awareness!
Kaboom!! 
No need to wake up, my friend! 
Just stop hypnotizing yourself that you are not awake! 
When the hypnotherapist in you 
start to give usual suggestions, 
change perspective where to look:
in the thinking mind or 
what is aware of it.
 







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Freedom or a fence?

We want it easy.
We want changes only to certain areas.
Please do not touch the ones that we want to keep!
Because we are afraid.
I so understand you, my friend!
Change in the middle of life is scary as hell!
You have a house with a white picket fence
and you want it to remain there.
"Can you make some miracle so I wake up,
with the picket fence?", you might ask.
Hmm, my friend, to wake up means
to wake up to all the untruth you are living.
Maybe this will not dissolve all at once,
but waking up to who you are will wake you up
to all the areas where you pretend.
This is utterly scary, believe me, I know this well!
"Is there a backroad?", you ask,
"May I keep the white picket fence, at least?!"
I really don't know, my friend.
If what behind that fence is your truth, then sure, enjoy!
But if it is a house of cards, it will fall as a tons of bricks!
Sit and ponder what you really want. Ask yourself.
Be quite and vigilant. Listen to the feeble inner voice.
What did it say?
Freedom or a fence?

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Thursday, May 10, 2018

Lovemaking and Oneness


Just like the dragon has different heads 

connected to one body, 

these characters we think we are,

are different appearances

of One.

Through lovemaking

Lovers join in nondual awareness

as One,

in spite of their separate appearances. 

Revelation of Oneness through lovemaking -

one of the most natural human function -

is a fine alchemical process of the mind,

and a right partner is absolutely essential.  

If you are in a relationship 

that allows Oneness to overtake the separation, 

even for a moment,

it is the most spiritually potent

coming together as partners

in this lifetime.










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Thursday, May 3, 2018

Awakened Fluidity

It is much more juicy to talk and write
about peak experiences,
strong movements in feelings, mind insights,  
but really,
it has nothing to do with awakening.
Awakening happens when awareness shifts to the space
that holds any experience,
 and a different view of who one is suddenly revealed.
And at first,  

after the initial experience of awakening,  

the tendency is to hold on to that perspective,  

and often

that idea of stabilization of the view become an "idea fix".  

But with time,  

this perspective takes over more and more,  

naturally.  

We notice it when it becomes hard to believe in any emotion

as something solid,
and it becomes hard to hold on to any idea,
as the only right one.
The experiences come and go,
feelings are fleeting, very childlike:
strong and changing mind states
that don't last.
Please don't expect that you will become
non-thinking and non-feeling being, no!
You become more fluid,
less identified with anything in particular.
Mind easily shifts between states, characters, feelings.
Appearance or disappearance of any mind state is seen
as a continuation and symphony of life.
And you are
here,
present to the music.

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Thursday, April 19, 2018

Subtle Pride




Subtle pride


After you walk a certain mile on the Path, 
beware of the subtle pride. It’s one of the pitfalls.
I hope this will strike the recognition of this tendency
of the human mind. Don’t fool yourself you are immune to it. 
Just simply be aware.


In certain times the subtle pride will play a peek-a-boo. 
Just question it: “Who is the one who knows better then the other?”
And see the separation. The mind plays these tricks. 
Get still just for a moment. “The thought said so”,
will be the silent answer.


Yes, it is that easy.  But it’s not, to catch it!
At times of pride we love that feeling of the “one who knows”.
Self-elevation and superiority are very subtle feelings,
And if we give in to them, we lost in the delusion,
if only for a moment.


We just regroup, and start again. Awareness.
The very thing that is aware of the feeling and slipping into it,
turn there.  What do you see? The silence. Stillness. No one there.
No knower.  No you.  The subtle pride dissolved
into the real Knowing.



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Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Freedom is Life-giving


Freedom is Life-giving

We all want freedom, not knowing really what freedom is.
We want be free from negativities of the mind and difficult emotions.
We want be free from karma of the past and desires for the future.
We are confused in our search for freedom, and it keeps us not free.

Freedom is clarity, knowing, allowing, accepting, uniqueness.
It doesn’t really matter what is arising in the mind,
or how strong and difficult emotion is, unless we try to hide it,
protecting our image, so it is not obvious to others that we are lying.

Freedom doesn’t go well with a constructed image. Call in the freedom and
it will destroy a “nice”, “wise”, “evolved” “person” you are trying to be.
Freedom is a raw energy of expansion, it can’t be held in a bottle,
unless you want more of the same artificial smiles, hugs, and praises.

The search for freedom may start small, but it is limitless endeavor.
The moment you feel you can’t deal with the same bullshit anymore,
how small and insignificant it is, or big and existential,
you are on a path of a limitless freedom. Buckle up, my friend!

Sometimes you will feel very lonely in your explorations, and sometimes 
you will feel very supported, someone will join you on some part of the stretch,
only to part later, the journey to freedom can’t be replicated.
We all walk our own journeys, they are unique as anything in this world.

If you meet anyone on the road who claim to know how you should walk,
kill them.  I don’t mean literary, I hope we all sane here.
Someone can show you the next couple of steps and point a direction,
but to walk it and find out further, it is entirely on you, my friend.

Oh, there are so many who will want you to follow them! Please don’t. 
Remember: if you follow a path made by someone else,
how perfect their footsteps may be, your feet have their own soles,
and you came here to make unique imprints on this world.

Just get enough. Revolt. Inhale deeply. Your own energy will start to lead. 
You make a step. Feel. Sense. Step through the fears. 
The sudden joy and lightness once in a while will come to visit you
as a reward for courage. Rejoice in it and please keep walking.

Weather it is a relationship that doesn't work anymore, or boring job, or seeking for enlightenment,
It is all starts from feeling trapped, not free, not happy, lifeless.
Don’t disregard this feeling, it is screaming into your ear about bondage,
your feet are sucked into the swamp of conforming tendencies. Get out!

You follow social norm, ideas that society implanted into your head:
what’s good, what’s bad, what’s acceptable, what to do, and when, and how.
We all walk that homogenous highway for lifetimes.  Look around.
There are backroads, hidden paths, the fields of wildflowers. Step in.

I know it is scary.  No signs, no mile makers, no speed limit, no direction.
Each time you put your foot onto the earth, you sign for an adventure.
You soon will notice your feet will form a dancing pattern. Keep walking.
Singing, crying, crawling - who cares, friend, the freedom is life-giving.






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Sunday, April 8, 2018

Anthony: a story of spontaneous awakening



He woke up to his true nature in prison.  High security prison in the high desert area of northeastern California. 
He understands the gift of it now and he call the incarceration a divine intervention.  Most of his buddies that were “running the muck”, as he says, are dead. He tried to die several times too, he was lost in the great suffering of addiction.  Several times he tried to overdose and swam fully clothed far into the ocean, until he would loose the strength, only to find himself coming to senses hours later, miles from where he would go in.  The ocean would spill him out, unconscious, to the same Monterey Bay shores, the land of his ancestors.

He is Native American, his tribe called Amah Matsun still not recognized by Federal government, though his ancestors lived on this land, around the Bay, for centuries before anyone else stepped their foot here. As most Native Americans, he didn’t have great childhood, his ancestors were either killed, or converted by white people to Christianity. They were given alcohol that was not properly assimilated in their bodies due to the absence of specific enzymes, therefore strong addiction and death from it is common among Native American Indians. They were stripped from their ways of living, history, rituals, language, names.  


How to take in the world as it is now and pretend that it is alright to be a refugee  in your own land?  How not to feel the ancestral suffering of a mass henocide that no-one wants to know and hear about? How to witness the destruction of the land and nature when you were stripped from any rights and stewardship on your own soil? I can understand why his grandfather drunk, why his father drunk, why he was drinking and using anything that would make him not to feel.  And he understood it too, in prison.  He finally understood why he was trying to kill himself, why he was addicted to drugs and alcohol for big part of his adult life, with exception of some years where he was sober and was trying to lead normal life, raising a son.

He was on a run for a long, long time.  He was running from feeling it all, running from feeling the immense sorrow of his people. Running from grief stuffed in their throats and kept there in order to survive the extermination.

One day the cops came, and though he was mad at them and the system, and the term was indeed imposed unlawfully, he is now grateful for the second chance to live.  He is open to feel with his whole being, doesn’t matter it is hardships or joys of life, difficult or easy, pleasant or unpleasant: “Elena, I am feeling it, and this is what it is all about to be a human, it is a blessing!”

He was told his mother died while he was incarcerated.  Suddenly the immense feeling of loss and quilt was too big to run from, he was sober and vulnerable, but he didn’t have any skills to deal with the feeling neither.  The prison environment was too brutal to show any traces of feeling, it would be perceived as weakness.  Prison is not a place where you cry openly and get comforted.  The only way with a grief of such magnitude in such conditions is to shut down the outer expression completely and dive with it inside.

His story reminded me of long vipassana retreat.  Of cause, when you sign up for a retreat you sign up voluntary, later on you would want to run away many times, and at those times you would see your predicament as you are for the term with no escape. Doing the time, you burn on the fires of inner hell, while the anger gets rushed to the surface of the mind, completely overtake the psyche of the seemingly still body. You get hot, cold, lightheaded, sometimes you feel you are going to loose it, the pain, physical and emotional, is too overwhelming not to act on it. You literary burn and sweat it out through the pores of your being. Naturally the body needs to react to the feeling by movement, by changing position to ease up on the pain, by acting out, by getting laud, crying, by taking some tranquilizer, by anything that would help to stop this violent movement of overwhelming emotion and unbearable sensations it brings. But this is the liberating qualities of vipassana.  If you do not act on the pain, the pain will arise, will get bigger, it will expand and take all the available space, until every corner of your being is saturated with it, then suddenly one day it will break down into milliards of subatomic particles, erasing any solidity of the body/mind organism, making the cycle complete.  It is an ancient technique of mind purification through awareness and equanimity to pain, and some of us stumble on it completely accidentally.

Grief of losing his mother while he was locked up, was immense. The prison had no private place to be, even the cells and a bathroom in it had no solid walls to hide behind.  With the heart split open by loss, he went deep inside his own self, he didn’t have another choice, he let the feeling be, it was too big to try to manage it. The feeling overtook his whole being, and one day he just dropped all the superficial shields, and got bare real.

He left a prison a bit disoriented.  He was released early for good work and exhibition of a good character, given a few dollars to get by, he spent it all to get back to Monterey by several transit buses.  He arrived early in the morning. It was raining. With a plastic bag of all his life possessions in it, he exited a bus, looked around and started to walk.  He kept walking under the rain, since he really didn’t know what else to do, or where to go. Walking under the rain without an aim, with nothing to hold on to, he became the rain, the path, the walking.  Ideas of who he was washed out under that rain.

He doesn’t really know what happened to him, he just knows he wasn’t the same anymore.  The world wasn’t the same. What was that? What happened?  He only knows he doesn't need to run from anything anymore, no feeling is too big to feel.      He feels the world as himself, very acutely.  In the world that he couldn’t bear, he found his own rules to live by. He lives and is moved by love. The mind is still there, and still thinking old thoughts, but the thoughts are not believed anymore with old conviction.  Everything seems the same and not, at the same time.

Someone gave him an old bicycle, he started to work as a painting contractor again. Same work, same life, same town, but something major happened, he couldn't explain it to himself, and he wasn’t looking for the explanations. He kept the old character of Tony that was at least something familiar, same scrapie voice, same construction guy vocabulary.  As time pass more, couple of old friends noticed changes in Tony, but they attributed it only to being sober.

He was a good painter even before, and now he became a true master of his craft.  He paint as he dances, one with the rhythm of the brush.  He feels the brush as an extension of his hand, and his whole being. He turns on Native American music on his iphone. You would think he puts the pain on the walls, in reality he covers the walls with his energy, tinted in color.  His mind is still when he is into intricate details, and is joyful when he has more space to play with.  This probably was noticed by some building contractors, who hired him to work again and again, and eventually became his new friends.

One day on a porch of the housing complex where she lived at the time and he worked on the room next door to hers, they met, and their beings merge in a split second, without consent of the mind. The gaze was too strong to behold, he turned away, feeling forbidden territory, as he was not worthy of her, while she proceed with an attitude of a queen that just got looked at by the servant.  Both still under the spell of the old stories in the mind, unquestioned they run our lives where, how, and with whom, all determent there, in the established passages of the brain.  

When the being suddenly expands to its limitless state in the experience of awakening, it truncates the character, the limited self identity, along with the neurological passages in the brain on which this identity is held. It re-arranges, deletes old and creates new pristine passages, sending millions of neurons as a lighting bolt through the brain in an instant. Coming back to an old life environment, surely the neurons will try to sneak in by the old route, it is like dry arroyos in a desert, abandoned by water flow, but still holding the shape, just in case if the rain comes, the water will rush through these erosions without hesitation. The old character will try to hold on, old habits and patterns will execute in a second.  Yes, she tried to run away, yes, he was unsure about himself, but behind the meeting of the old characters, the larger meeting happened: the being met the being, the new energies recognized each other, the frequencies of limitless awareness merged in an instant. The meeting was complete.

She was the first one to see the vastness of him, the fullness of his being.  He almost made her believe in an old character that barely fit him, but she was taken by the power and the innocence in him  that she felt.  With her keen sensitivity she noticed the nuances in a pitch of his voice.  He had a very deep ageless voice, but sometimes he would start talking in the tone that was difficult for her to listen to.  It would feel like the sharp knife through her senses, and was almost painful. This fascinating exploration came absolutely spontaneous to her. She just was sensitive to the vibration of the tone, and noticed from where the voice would come from in the body itself: in the sacral or in the throat.  Every time the voice would originate from the throat, the expression was coming from old thought forms, like something belonging to an old character.  She just had to point this discrepancy, there was not much explanation needed, it was also obvious to him, very clear, right in the moment. It was easy to see it for him and relax, then the voice would freely drop down to the sacral. And usually this would bring the pause, a short period of silence, as though he was feeling, trying on those old thought forms in a relaxed way.  In a very short time with this uncompromising biofeedback, he just settled in the new frequencies of his new voice and grounded himself into a new character.  She called him Anthony.  Old Tony was gone.  

She started to give the vocabulary to his experience. Awakening, awakening to Presence, Being.  She was on the path to awakening through many years of the spiritual search, he arrived spontaneously.  Awakening is always a spontaneous event, but some of us are more prepared to it then others of what to expect.  Luckily, there is not much one needs to understand, one only needs validation that what they experienced is a known phenomena, it is true, it is authentic experience, they can trust it, and it will take time, perhaps the rest of their life, to re-orient themselves and to integrate the new perception of who they are into the experience of being a human.  

In Buddhism there are what called, three jewels.  The presence of them properly supports awakening, and would make an ideal environment for integrating the new way of being, especially right after the initial experience. Three jewels are: Buddha (a teacher), Dharma (teachings), Sangha( spiritual community).  Anthony had none of this support, she came as all three jewels to him.

She also needed the same support.  She was couple of years into very intense integration of awakening journey herself, the journey of complete demolition of the life she knew, outer and inner.  When they met she already had her house taken by a fire, her husband taken by another woman, her good health taken by autoimmune illness. She left her managerial job, unable to perform. She left her son to start his adult life. She withdrew from teaching others, she felt she needed fully integrate before she ever speak and guide again.  She was on the road for couple of years, driving the country, exploring her sudden freedom. She retired most of the old identities, her life had no goals, no structure, no certainty, no ways to know, and she was completely open to it all.  With that lightness of being she ended up in Big Sur,CA in the community called Esalen, where she joined the kitchen in an exchange for a room, meals, access to famous mineral baths, and mostly, time to reflect on her life and make no demands on herself how to support herself financially.  She came for a month, and stayed for a year, prolonging her stay one month at a time, almost as she was waiting for his journey to complete itself and bring him to paint those adjacent rooms, and later, hers too.



From a book I am writing: Buddha on a Bull  
Practical guidance on Seeking, Finding and Living Enlightenment through the story of an ordinary woman in search for freedom.


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Born in June 2011 out of inspiration to share how to end life long spiritual search, and return back to naturalness we are.