Thursday, April 19, 2018

Subtle Pride




Subtle pride


After you walk a certain mile on the Path, 
beware of the subtle pride. It’s one of the pitfalls.
I hope this will strike the recognition of this tendency
of the human mind. Don’t fool yourself you are immune to it. 
Just simply be aware.


In certain times the subtle pride will play a peek-a-boo. 
Just question it: “Who is the one who knows better then the other?”
And see the separation. The mind plays these tricks. 
Get still just for a moment. “The thought said so”,
will be the silent answer.


Yes, it is that easy.  But it’s not, to catch it!
At times of pride we love that feeling of the “one who knows”.
Self-elevation and superiority are very subtle feelings,
And if we give in to them, we lost in the delusion,
if only for a moment.


We just regroup, and start again. Awareness.
The very thing that is aware of the feeling and slipping into it,
turn there.  What do you see? The silence. Stillness. No one there.
No knower.  No you.  The subtle pride dissolved
into the real Knowing.



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Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Freedom is Life-giving


Freedom is Life-giving

We all want freedom, not knowing really what freedom is.
We want be free from negativities of the mind and difficult emotions.
We want be free from karma of the past and desires for the future.
We are confused in our search for freedom, and it keeps us not free.

Freedom is clarity, knowing, allowing, accepting, uniqueness.
It doesn’t really matter what is arising in the mind,
or how strong and difficult emotion is, unless we try to hide it,
protecting our image, so it is not obvious to others that we are lying.

Freedom doesn’t go well with a constructed image. Call in the freedom and
it will destroy a “nice”, “wise”, “evolved” “person” you are trying to be.
Freedom is a raw energy of expansion, it can’t be held in a bottle,
unless you want more of the same artificial smiles, hugs, and praises.

The search for freedom may start small, but it is limitless endeavor.
The moment you feel you can’t deal with the same bullshit anymore,
how small and insignificant it is, or big and existential,
you are on a path of a limitless freedom. Buckle up, my friend!

Sometimes you will feel very lonely in your explorations, and sometimes 
you will feel very supported, someone will join you on some part of the stretch,
only to part later, the journey to freedom can’t be replicated.
We all walk our own journeys, they are unique as anything in this world.

If you meet anyone on the road who claim to know how you should walk,
kill them.  I don’t mean literary, I hope we all sane here.
Someone can show you the next couple of steps and point a direction,
but to walk it and find out further, it is entirely on you, my friend.

Oh, there are so many who will want you to follow them! Please don’t. 
Remember: if you follow a path made by someone else,
how perfect their footsteps may be, your feet have their own soles,
and you came here to make unique imprints on this world.

Just get enough. Revolt. Inhale deeply. Your own energy will start to lead. 
You make a step. Feel. Sense. Step through the fears. 
The sudden joy and lightness once in a while will come to visit you
as a reward for courage. Rejoice in it and please keep walking.

Weather it is a relationship that doesn't work anymore, or boring job, or seeking for enlightenment,
It is all starts from feeling trapped, not free, not happy, lifeless.
Don’t disregard this feeling, it is screaming into your ear about bondage,
your feet are sucked into the swamp of conforming tendencies. Get out!

You follow social norm, ideas that society implanted into your head:
what’s good, what’s bad, what’s acceptable, what to do, and when, and how.
We all walk that homogenous highway for lifetimes.  Look around.
There are backroads, hidden paths, the fields of wildflowers. Step in.

I know it is scary.  No signs, no mile makers, no speed limit, no direction.
Each time you put your foot onto the earth, you sign for an adventure.
You soon will notice your feet will form a dancing pattern. Keep walking.
Singing, crying, crawling - who cares, friend, the freedom is life-giving.






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Sunday, April 8, 2018

Anthony: a story of spontaneous awakening



He woke up to his true nature in prison.  High security prison in the high desert area of northeastern California. 
He understands the gift of it now and he call the incarceration a divine intervention.  Most of his buddies that were “running the muck”, as he says, are dead. He tried to die several times too, he was lost in the great suffering of addiction.  Several times he tried to overdose and swam fully clothed far into the ocean, until he would loose the strength, only to find himself coming to senses hours later, miles from where he would go in.  The ocean would spill him out, unconscious, to the same Monterey Bay shores, the land of his ancestors.

He is Native American, his tribe called Amah Matsun still not recognized by Federal government, though his ancestors lived on this land, around the Bay, for centuries before anyone else stepped their foot here. As most Native Americans, he didn’t have great childhood, his ancestors were either killed, or converted by white people to Christianity. They were given alcohol that was not properly assimilated in their bodies due to the absence of specific enzymes, therefore strong addiction and death from it is common among Native American Indians. They were stripped from their ways of living, history, rituals, language, names.  


How to take in the world as it is now and pretend that it is alright to be a refugee  in your own land?  How not to feel the ancestral suffering of a mass henocide that no-one wants to know and hear about? How to witness the destruction of the land and nature when you were stripped from any rights and stewardship on your own soil? I can understand why his grandfather drunk, why his father drunk, why he was drinking and using anything that would make him not to feel.  And he understood it too, in prison.  He finally understood why he was trying to kill himself, why he was addicted to drugs and alcohol for big part of his adult life, with exception of some years where he was sober and was trying to lead normal life, raising a son.

He was on a run for a long, long time.  He was running from feeling it all, running from feeling the immense sorrow of his people. Running from grief stuffed in their throats and kept there in order to survive the extermination.

One day the cops came, and though he was mad at them and the system, and the term was indeed imposed unlawfully, he is now grateful for the second chance to live.  He is open to feel with his whole being, doesn’t matter it is hardships or joys of life, difficult or easy, pleasant or unpleasant: “Elena, I am feeling it, and this is what it is all about to be a human, it is a blessing!”

He was told his mother died while he was incarcerated.  Suddenly the immense feeling of loss and quilt was too big to run from, he was sober and vulnerable, but he didn’t have any skills to deal with the feeling neither.  The prison environment was too brutal to show any traces of feeling, it would be perceived as weakness.  Prison is not a place where you cry openly and get comforted.  The only way with a grief of such magnitude in such conditions is to shut down the outer expression completely and dive with it inside.

His story reminded me of long vipassana retreat.  Of cause, when you sign up for a retreat you sign up voluntary, later on you would want to run away many times, and at those times you would see your predicament as you are for the term with no escape. Doing the time, you burn on the fires of inner hell, while the anger gets rushed to the surface of the mind, completely overtake the psyche of the seemingly still body. You get hot, cold, lightheaded, sometimes you feel you are going to loose it, the pain, physical and emotional, is too overwhelming not to act on it. You literary burn and sweat it out through the pores of your being. Naturally the body needs to react to the feeling by movement, by changing position to ease up on the pain, by acting out, by getting laud, crying, by taking some tranquilizer, by anything that would help to stop this violent movement of overwhelming emotion and unbearable sensations it brings. But this is the liberating qualities of vipassana.  If you do not act on the pain, the pain will arise, will get bigger, it will expand and take all the available space, until every corner of your being is saturated with it, then suddenly one day it will break down into milliards of subatomic particles, erasing any solidity of the body/mind organism, making the cycle complete.  It is an ancient technique of mind purification through awareness and equanimity to pain, and some of us stumble on it completely accidentally.

Grief of losing his mother while he was locked up, was immense. The prison had no private place to be, even the cells and a bathroom in it had no solid walls to hide behind.  With the heart split open by loss, he went deep inside his own self, he didn’t have another choice, he let the feeling be, it was too big to try to manage it. The feeling overtook his whole being, and one day he just dropped all the superficial shields, and got bare real.

He left a prison a bit disoriented.  He was released early for good work and exhibition of a good character, given a few dollars to get by, he spent it all to get back to Monterey by several transit buses.  He arrived early in the morning. It was raining. With a plastic bag of all his life possessions in it, he exited a bus, looked around and started to walk.  He kept walking under the rain, since he really didn’t know what else to do, or where to go. Walking under the rain without an aim, with nothing to hold on to, he became the rain, the path, the walking.  Ideas of who he was washed out under that rain.

He doesn’t really know what happened to him, he just knows he wasn’t the same anymore.  The world wasn’t the same. What was that? What happened?  He only knows he doesn't need to run from anything anymore, no feeling is too big to feel.      He feels the world as himself, very acutely.  In the world that he couldn’t bear, he found his own rules to live by. He lives and is moved by love. The mind is still there, and still thinking old thoughts, but the thoughts are not believed anymore with old conviction.  Everything seems the same and not, at the same time.

Someone gave him an old bicycle, he started to work as a painting contractor again. Same work, same life, same town, but something major happened, he couldn't explain it to himself, and he wasn’t looking for the explanations. He kept the old character of Tony that was at least something familiar, same scrapie voice, same construction guy vocabulary.  As time pass more, couple of old friends noticed changes in Tony, but they attributed it only to being sober.

He was a good painter even before, and now he became a true master of his craft.  He paint as he dances, one with the rhythm of the brush.  He feels the brush as an extension of his hand, and his whole being. He turns on Native American music on his iphone. You would think he puts the pain on the walls, in reality he covers the walls with his energy, tinted in color.  His mind is still when he is into intricate details, and is joyful when he has more space to play with.  This probably was noticed by some building contractors, who hired him to work again and again, and eventually became his new friends.

One day on a porch of the housing complex where she lived at the time and he worked on the room next door to hers, they met, and their beings merge in a split second, without consent of the mind. The gaze was too strong to behold, he turned away, feeling forbidden territory, as he was not worthy of her, while she proceed with an attitude of a queen that just got looked at by the servant.  Both still under the spell of the old stories in the mind, unquestioned they run our lives where, how, and with whom, all determent there, in the established passages of the brain.  

When the being suddenly expands to its limitless state in the experience of awakening, it truncates the character, the limited self identity, along with the neurological passages in the brain on which this identity is held. It re-arranges, deletes old and creates new pristine passages, sending millions of neurons as a lighting bolt through the brain in an instant. Coming back to an old life environment, surely the neurons will try to sneak in by the old route, it is like dry arroyos in a desert, abandoned by water flow, but still holding the shape, just in case if the rain comes, the water will rush through these erosions without hesitation. The old character will try to hold on, old habits and patterns will execute in a second.  Yes, she tried to run away, yes, he was unsure about himself, but behind the meeting of the old characters, the larger meeting happened: the being met the being, the new energies recognized each other, the frequencies of limitless awareness merged in an instant. The meeting was complete.

She was the first one to see the vastness of him, the fullness of his being.  He almost made her believe in an old character that barely fit him, but she was taken by the power and the innocence in him  that she felt.  With her keen sensitivity she noticed the nuances in a pitch of his voice.  He had a very deep ageless voice, but sometimes he would start talking in the tone that was difficult for her to listen to.  It would feel like the sharp knife through her senses, and was almost painful. This fascinating exploration came absolutely spontaneous to her. She just was sensitive to the vibration of the tone, and noticed from where the voice would come from in the body itself: in the sacral or in the throat.  Every time the voice would originate from the throat, the expression was coming from old thought forms, like something belonging to an old character.  She just had to point this discrepancy, there was not much explanation needed, it was also obvious to him, very clear, right in the moment. It was easy to see it for him and relax, then the voice would freely drop down to the sacral. And usually this would bring the pause, a short period of silence, as though he was feeling, trying on those old thought forms in a relaxed way.  In a very short time with this uncompromising biofeedback, he just settled in the new frequencies of his new voice and grounded himself into a new character.  She called him Anthony.  Old Tony was gone.  

She started to give the vocabulary to his experience. Awakening, awakening to Presence, Being.  She was on the path to awakening through many years of the spiritual search, he arrived spontaneously.  Awakening is always a spontaneous event, but some of us are more prepared to it then others of what to expect.  Luckily, there is not much one needs to understand, one only needs validation that what they experienced is a known phenomena, it is true, it is authentic experience, they can trust it, and it will take time, perhaps the rest of their life, to re-orient themselves and to integrate the new perception of who they are into the experience of being a human.  

In Buddhism there are what called, three jewels.  The presence of them properly supports awakening, and would make an ideal environment for integrating the new way of being, especially right after the initial experience. Three jewels are: Buddha (a teacher), Dharma (teachings), Sangha( spiritual community).  Anthony had none of this support, she came as all three jewels to him.

She also needed the same support.  She was couple of years into very intense integration of awakening journey herself, the journey of complete demolition of the life she knew, outer and inner.  When they met she already had her house taken by a fire, her husband taken by another woman, her good health taken by autoimmune illness. She left her managerial job, unable to perform. She left her son to start his adult life. She withdrew from teaching others, she felt she needed fully integrate before she ever speak and guide again.  She was on the road for couple of years, driving the country, exploring her sudden freedom. She retired most of the old identities, her life had no goals, no structure, no certainty, no ways to know, and she was completely open to it all.  With that lightness of being she ended up in Big Sur,CA in the community called Esalen, where she joined the kitchen in an exchange for a room, meals, access to famous mineral baths, and mostly, time to reflect on her life and make no demands on herself how to support herself financially.  She came for a month, and stayed for a year, prolonging her stay one month at a time, almost as she was waiting for his journey to complete itself and bring him to paint those adjacent rooms, and later, hers too.



From a book I am writing: Buddha on a Bull  
Practical guidance on Seeking, Finding and Living Enlightenment through the story of an ordinary woman in search for freedom.


Please leave your comment about this article on Facebook, thank you!




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Friday, April 6, 2018

Your next step



If you do not see the next step,
your next step is Waiting.
It has it’s own rhythm in it,
it aint just the chaos.






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Thursday, April 5, 2018

Spiritual bullying




If you need to assert dharma on others,

without an invitation to do so,

stop! Enquire further. Why there is a drive to do so!





You know how it looks? Today you begging for attention,

the next day you are bullying.  It surely unwelcomed!

What if you keep it still, the mind? Apply your own teachings!





Can we all see the variety of ways to point Buddha?!

If there would be only one, it would be damn so easy!


The path is pathless. Chill. Just make a hearty breakfast!





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Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Meditation



As my partner needs to empty himself
from the energy of the sacral through the physical labor,
I need to empty my mind from the words and sentences
through the writing and poetry.
We are all different, and we need different practices.

Then we both can sit on the driftwood
swept ashore by the ocean, and listen.
Free from any disturbances in the organism,
we enter the space of quiet that holds the world together.
The sound of the ocean is an entryway.

We rest in the quiet behind the sound,
merging with the whole Creation.
We are not separate anymore. Where is the beginning
of my lover’s heart and the end of mine?
Nowhere to find!

Where are you really? Is there a certain boundaries
separating you from the rest of the world,
besides the boundaries of your body, which dissolve
as soon as you close your eyes and quiet the mind?!
You should really try this meditation.

Sitting still, without thinking, you will find you are expanding.
Keep that stillness and quiet, let the breath breath you.
Don’t freak out at this very moment, and don’t get overexcited,
You will scare the innocence, peeking behind the forms,
asking to be invited.




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A certain predicament



It is a certain predicament
to be able to use a simple vocabulary
of her broken English
and still be able to be a storyteller
In her own right.
  
What once was perceived as unsurpassable weakness,
Now accepted as a uniqueness.
In the absence of judgment the voice opens to freedom,
and the story is released
from confinements of the limitation. 

As the water rush from the reservoir
when the floodgates are open, the words come  
from the roaring power of her own expression!
Who cares about grammar and such,
when you lived life and got the balls to share it!























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Monday, April 2, 2018

He just wasn’t my lover




He just wasn’t my lover



He lay his eyes on me,
and then his body.
He wasn’t my lover,
but I played the part.

He left as he is a winner,
I put his tie he forgot
in a garbage can outside.
What the fuck happened?

The next two years he kept coming back.
Like a wet leaf that stuck to the butt,
from the broom made of an oak branches

we use in a Russian bath for platza.

I grew to love him.
I didn’t know any different.
We married, bought a house,
Had a cat, a few stepsons between us.

I completely lost myself
in someone’s life, goals, ideals.
I would fall asleep pressed into his underarm
merging, and suffocating.

It took almost two decades
to free myself from his attachment,
mine too, don’t get me wrong,
I am not blaming. We learn as we go.

I am just trying to make sense
of that evening, two decades ago,
when I kept the smile,
instead of slapping his face.

You know that unnatural smile!
You adapted it to keep you safe. 
You do not want to cause any troubles,
You don’t like to make waves.

Well, I raised many waves since then.
You can’t keep apologetic smile forever.
One day you take the spear
and become a warrior.

Those who used to your smile
have to face their own shadows,
though they will accuse you
of every wrongdoing. Do not listen.

They did not live your bondage,
and they do not know your freedom.
Just leave them behind
to their own demons.

I gave him myself.
He gave me his version of life.
Somehow it worked for almost two decades.
He just wasn’t my lover.



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Friday, March 30, 2018

The Weather of Being



















The Weather of Being

Are you in a storm right now?
Tell me, don’t hide it, my friend
You hope if you think of peace,
then peace happens?
It takes more then thinking to be at peace.
You can understand that looking at the mountain
which is simply there 
without trembling.
If you say to yourself it’s all alright,
if you recite affirmations of peace,
if you keep yourself busy not to feel,
It’s like the calm before the storm.
It gets so quiet and dense in the air -
a perfect equilibrium of tension and stillness
before release from the heavens.
Beware!
What if you allow yourself to drizzle,
to be taken on the swirl by the wind
like a pile of raked leaves?
Don’t be worried about loosing your pieces!
It’s only your feathers flying.
Your colorful dresses swaying on the clothesline
on the side of the mountain,
that beholds your spirit
which is peace itself.




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Friday, March 23, 2018

The gift of taking a Color of the Environment



I lost myself very early, in fact, I barely remember myself being myself, un-edited by the environment, unless there was no people in it.  I felt myself only when I was alone, running in a filed, sitting by the river, observing ants and other critters, making dolls from flowers in the yard, following the design on the woolen rug on the wall over my bed.  When I was with people, I always would take a role.  I want to clarify this, I did’t know that I was doing it, I simply would take a role unconsciously, the one that would suite the situation, the one that felt the most safe, the least conflicting.  

This unconscious behavior of wearing a role I picked up somewhere very early in the environment that did not allow me to be me.  So I agreed to be anything else that would keep me safe.  Later in life I would often feel that I am living someone else life, or I wasn’t really me, something always felt uncomfortable. I was trying to ease the pain of being completely lost of who I am with a spiritual search.  Light search with occasional meditation or yoga class didn’t really ease the pain, so I went all the way into sitting long retreats, years of injuries into the nature of the mind, dramatic transformations, experiences of complete annihilation of the self, revelations, ascensions, and all kinds of ions…only to stop, only to drop all that seeking and striving.  It never worked to try to find a better version of me, the more comfortable for others version of me, and later, the more elevated version of me, or even enlightened version of me. Suddenly I arrived to this bare transparency that I am.  I saw that it is a gift I carry, the gift of taking a color of the environment, soak it in, take on a certain character, a certain role that would take care of the human thing, as we can’t really operate formless in the world of the form.  

No thing changed really, suddenly the characters, roles, masks were seen in its entire truth.  The freedom came from the clarity, the freedom of wearing a role with inner knowing.  Not a random role that mind would suddenly pull out from it’s roll-o-deck of available roles in a certain situation, but the one I would consciously pull out from it as the most suited to play in the moment.  More often though I would prefer not to wear a role, but just exist the environment.  I started to notice how I wear the role, how feelings, sensations, behavior that comes with a role resonates or not, do I enjoy to be that at the moment, is there element of playfulness in it, or I am uncomfortable in that role.

I am almost 50.  I am tired from random clothes, sometimes I make analogy with wearing dress that does not fit anymore.  My clothes were always tight, and I perceived them as me, constantly trying to change and improve myself.  What a freedom just to take off that outdated dress, that misfitted cardigan, belt that needed another hole not to dig into the sides of my waste, that clown hat, or “I don’t know” hat, or “I am not sure who I am” hat, and all sorts of hats that mind will readily plop on my head as soon as another human steps into the space.  Mind has the best 
roll-o-deck deck of the roles, and the biggest closet of outfits.  It surely thought it was doing a great job by offering me a role in a split second and dressing the character in a complete set of feelings, sensations, type of thinking, certain behavior before the eye even could blink once.  No wonder I was lost, never really encountered myself without an outfit, always dressed up.  Tightly bundled up. In a hat of "I don't know myself" that slid a bit from the forehead, but just enough to cover the eyes to keep me blind to the predicament. 


By myself, alone at home, when the mind would leave me just be, I would cry out of confusion, and delve even more into spiritual seeking trying to understand what is wrong with me, how I can change, improve, how to fit in, how to be accepted, and surely as much as I tried to sort the closet, rearrange it, even update the closet with more spiritual outfits, nothing worked.  Until I clearly saw the mechanism of the mind, simple and innocent mechanism of offering the roles, based on the library of experiences. It was formed some long time ago in order to survive in the world of social environment which does not recognize the uniqueness of a free spirit that has been born not to be attached for too long to be anything in particular. It came here to take in the color of the environment and mirror it back through a human form, but it immediately was given a stuck-for-life role, the run-of-the-mill version: the silent one, the obedient, all around good girl with a big white bow in her hair that was tightly weaved into it in the beginning of each day


from the book I am writing on integration of awakening 


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Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Already Home



In Soviet Union we had a custom to put wool rugs on walls, though in USA where I live they usually get on a floor.  Russians covered walls with rugs in a living room, nailed rugs and tapestries over the bed or a couch.  As a little girl I used to spend hours laying in my bed following the design of the rug, making elaborate twists and turns with the stems and leaves of the flowers or lines of the abstract designs that were mostly always symmetrical and had a meeting point in the center of the rug.  My inquisitive mind didn’t have a space to express itself in the family I was growing up in.  My parents made it clear that when adults speak among themselves children should be silent, better off, invisible.  This is how I remember it. I learnt well to be invisible and silent.  So my mind would find other ways to express itself.  And when it did freely, I felt truly home. Anytime mind observed the environment, I felt home.  I have a very observant mind, I learnt the mechanisms how it works and what environment is the best for it to work properly.  It took struggles, suffering, turmoil, pain and most of all, seeking the way out of it, to come to the place where it feels home at any moment.  My journey of seeking home resembles following the design on the wall rug, loosing myself in that design, trying to complete my journey from where I started to the center, making believe that I am traveling with the colors and lines closer and closer to my destination, while in reality I was laying on a bed, already home.




I found a link that explain the tradition of rugs on the walls:History of the unconditional love of slavs and rugs on the walls

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Tuesday, February 13, 2018

I gave up to fit in



There is a beauty in a variety of expressions, and it comes from different places, I just heard someone said their authentic voice comes from the heart. I will tell you what I noticed when I sit dow to write: the words flow effortlessly from the space I don’t have control of.  The immediacy of the expression always startles me and delights me afterwords.  It is pure insight, and English language, though it is not my first language, is able to pick it up and give it a form. I don’t think, ponder, or dwell on what I am writing, I am typing as I am receiving.  If I read it 2 years later, sometimes I won’t even recall or recognize my own voice, because it didn’t come from the speaking throat or typing fingers. What I know for sure that I can’t think my way to write, I don’t easily have an access to the language, the attempt to write from thinking usually stops after the first sentence.  So I know if I wrote and if I posted something, regardless of the length, the thinking was not a part of it. If you ask me to explain something later pertaining the writing, which I sometimes get on Facebook where I post periodically, I often not able to do it.  The insight was right for the moment it was written, and it completes itself when I finished.  Now, if you ask me about what I wrote, I might have different insight for you, please do not be surprised that the two are not connected.  Well, they always are, but we often don’t see the connection. I will try to structure and connect it for you, but I might not be able at that very moment, please forgive me, I am not dismissing your question, I am not disrespectful, and not not paying attention, I am just simply being myself, we all are different and we operate differently.  

I gave up to fit in, and even not belonging does not evoke tears anymore.  I am neither this or that, the usual algorithm we use to make sense of others and their expression and behaviors.  Can you please give me more space besides just allowing me to be within the binary codes of 0 or 1. Awake or Not awake. Spiritual or Not spiritual. Teacher or Student. Writer or a Dilettante. I promise you, if you allow me to be now as I am, I will be the truest version of myself.  And so you too will see, and feel, and be the unique embodiment of the space itself.

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Tuesday, January 2, 2018

What gift you are here to give to the world?

What you came here for? What you are here to give to the world? Behind the crust of accumulated responsibilities and various stories of who you are, there is this alive energy that expresses itself from the early years to the days we die. The energy is the authentic gift you are caring here in this lifetime. But we never tough to recognize it and clear it from the context of our storyline. The energy that gives this body/mind a momentum to live. The very authenticity of your being.

In me, it is exploration, understanding how things work, and sharing with others. This energy is not something I have to try to make it, it is an unceasing flow. It is not "mine", rather it uses this organism to express itself.  If I look at my life, I can see this energy in action since early childhood, then school, teen years, and on, and on. It took different costumes, roles to express itself, but in the essence it is always was the same wish to explore, understand how it works, and share.

When you recognize the authentic energy in you, it is a big deal. Then you are looking in something very true, not conditioned, not pretense. Then you notice how this authentic energy expressed in you, through what kind of context. I explore, research and share anything, from the best rice cooker I find to the explorations in consciousness, both of these vehicles and many others are absolutely valid for the energy that here to express and share. I am standing on the stage in front of thousand people, or I am sharing here for a hundred, or sometimes a few, this does not really matter, for this authenticity is expressed through different ways. This what makes me also feel fulfilled and well utilized.

Maybe you will be curious to look at your life, and peel this unique authentic energy out of various circumstances, professions, ways you had a chance to express, ways you express it now, and see it right in the face what it is really, the very essence of the gift you carry in this lifetime. Please share your authenticity, your aliveness that expresses itself through the life as you 












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Saturday, December 30, 2017

Coming to a New Year ... 2018


2018 will be a year of further disillusionment. If you still hold on to some strong concepts about what you know and who you are, start to drop them now. Anything beneficial will not be lost, anything limiting will start to crack down. The more you hold on, the more painful disillusionment will be. The problem is that we do not really know to what we hold on. If we hold on tight, then it becomes us, and we have no clarity about it at all. Though if there is deep identification, strong attachment, there is always always some deep un-satisfaction and un-ease. One way to recognize limitations is to be utterly honest with oneself and pay attention to this deep seated un-satisfaction. This is a red flag for some hidden attachment and limiting beliefs. Start to notice this feeling of un-satisfaction and un-ease, start to almost circle it with your attention, coming closer, inviting it come closer too. Befriend this nagging feeling, don't shut it off with useful and useless activities. Let it come fully and start to tell you why it is there. And you listen attentively, with compassion, with open heart. This will suddenly strip you naked. This is exactly how it feels when you first time open to something that was always there, but true meaning of it was hidden behind the barricade of concepts. This is totally individual process, and no one, no one will know exactly what you are going through, only you. Don't rely on anyone, just trust the alchemical process of your courage, your honesty, and your attention. If no one in the world (which probably won't happen anyways) won't accept, support and understand you, there will be you who totally and completely know the extent of the deep healing that just happened. And this will be absolutely enough. Life will re-construct itself anew around you.

Happy New Years, my friends! I wish you wonderful and healing year!


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Saturday, December 2, 2017

Healing the past. Clarity stages


From my own experiences of healing the past, I came to this outline of the main mind states.
  These are some of the possible mind states on the way to clarity in yourself in regards to some events in the past. You might be in the beginning, or might be in the later stages from this list, they are usually present for those who were engaged in some spiritual practices for long time. In any case, if you have any unresolved situation in the past, you can find where you are and what else is available to the mind to open to.  

Mind state "Victimhood"

When you remember details of the situation, people involved, emotions that were present, when you correlate what happened with who said what and what happened action-vise.  You have strong opinion who is right and who is wrong.  Main emotions you experience are: depression, anger, revenge, blame, shame


Mind state "Pain"

When you remember the general feeling of the situation and you remember people involved in it, but you do not really remember details or the conversations, you need to focus to recall when you asked about them, you don’t want to think about the past, the remembrance of it brings pain and mixed feelings


Mind state "Wonder"

When you remember the movement of energies and you do remember people involved, but you see them as a part of the collective energy movement, without a trace of personalities, regardless how strong impacting  the actions were at the time of the situation


Mind state "Appreciation"

When you remember the situation, and understand it's meaning, and you see it from total gratitude and feeling of a big gift that was given


Mind sate "Equanimity"

When you see the illusory nature of the situation, and people involved, and energies at play. The meaning fades, the timeframe does not exist, and what there left for you to abide in is the translucency of being


Mind state "Joy" 

As translucency you are free to focus into the character who rejoice in the living and breathing one more moment again, and has no judgment 


Mind state "Simplicity and humility"


You dive into the character without fear to be lost in it, without seeking any particular mind state, without preference for any special state of mind, living this very moment as is





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Monday, November 6, 2017

Clearing the conceptual Awakening

Once I saw a bird caught in the pile of plastic, a mix of tangled fishing lines and plastic bags. She couldn't move, it was tied around her neck. It took me long time to crawl to her so she won't fear me and try to bite the line close to her neck, so at least she could go away from the heavy pile. Through my tears and her friking out I was trying to bite on that cut resistant line, since I didn't have a knife with me. I was very close to her eyes and she was to mine, since I was trying to bite off the line as much close to her neck as possible. These experiences help cure cognitive dissonance, nihilistic tendencies "it's all happening and nothing to do" that sometimes develop right after experiencing the void of consciousness. Some of us feel a little removed, a little less involved. At that moment on the beach with a strangled bird I wasn't really thinking much, my heartbeat synchronized with hers for me to crawl and come to her neck so close. One moment like this override the useless nihilistic concepts for good, clearing any dissonance that is created by such concepts. Non-duality is not holding on to concepts, but it does happen in the partial assimilation when the opening of the mind goes ahead of actually living it. We can see it all over: throwing concepts around, arguing. So the cure is only to live life fully and be open to all the experiences that life presents, for this purpose Internet and Facebook groups are the worst place to integrate mind opening properly...

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Thursday, October 19, 2017

Healing my primary relationship

After couple of years of inquiry into my relationships, mind was ready to let go the programs that were keeping old dynamics in place. I felt more and more freedom and clarity, it was gradual clearing that led me to a circumstance where the propensity of the mind to choose certain partners in life fell off completely, giving space to more holistic relationship.  I will tell you about it here, it will illustrate the dance life dances, and how innocent our character is in all it’s unconscious choices. 

It was a similar day like any other gorgeous days here in Big Sur.  Beautiful surroundings where the mountains with lush vegetation meet the ocean, and the nature is so full and vibrant, everyone feel magic in the air.  Here this word you say and hear very often.  This is the land of ancient indian tribes, ancestors were choosing well the land to live on, and plenty was available.  The joy for the eyes and ears, the most fertile land with fresh source of water, shielded by the mountains and with access to the ocean for fishing, surely was a great choice!  This land still till this time hold it’s beauty and magic.  This is where I met him.

It was already several years into after a series of awakening experiences that started a landfall of changes in my life.  From having a regular life of a middle aged woman in New York city I found myself  across the country, in the community called Esalen, working in the kitchen and living in the small room in a trailer, it had sort of a hippy or a college feel.  Every day I would walk to my work at 5am in the morning through the forest in a fog, as in a fairytale.

Awakening like an inner revolution, and you really never know where life will take you after.  It maybe the same town, family, same job, or you will be taken for a ride across the world, meet people you need to meet, and find work that serves the living for the time being.  This is how I ended up in Esalen in Big Sur, I was 43.

As we change dramatically at the event of awakening or enlightenment experience,  and the years following, the way we relate to others and our relationships change dramatically too.  As we expand through the experiences of awaking, our choices of relationships also expand.  Relationships mirror our state of the mind, it is extension of our own mind, and as the mind transforms, the outer circumstances and relationships we are engaged, transform as well. We leave behind the relationships that does not support the new way of being, and we come across people who match us in the freedom and truth. 

This period of unstable and changing relationships can be very uncomfortable, can evoke fears coming from feeling unknown, insecure, vulnerable.  This is very good ground for continuing inquiry into self image that is constantly created, and especially in relations.  We can’t heal the relationships that does not work anymore, but we can heal our mind, showing him again and again how he creates identities, how he tries to run old programs, tries to engage us in the old dynamics. 

I was coming back from work at nigh, and as I pulled in my car to a driveway suddenly I had to stop abruptly. An animal jumped right in front of my car. And then another.  The first one probably was a deer, I only saw his legs and hooves in the windshield, and seems like I saved his life, because the second one, after he jumped over the hood of my car, stopped on the side of the road.  He turned his head toward me and in the bright headlights I saw the mountain lion staring at me.  I never had an encounter with a big wild animal before, besides seeing them in a zoo.  I didn’t even know what it was, it was big and it was looking at me.  For a second or two our eyes met, I felt as he was making sure I really look in his eyes, then he took his eyes off me and disappeared into the darkness of the surrounding bushes.  The wild, wise eyes, piercing into mine, this is what was with me the days that followed.  “Strong medicine” I was told by locals here.  A month later I met him, the Native American Indian man who crossed my path like a mountain lion in sudden, raw, healing encounter. 

It was late afternoon and I was ready to go to a dinner, I opened a door and stepped outside my room.  There was a man there doing some work on the other rooms in this housing complex, I never saw him there before.  He looked at me, and our eyes met for a second or too, he turned his head away and disappeared into one of the rooms. There was rawness in his eyes I knew already.  “Danger”, I said to myself.

When I was a little girl I learnt to be afraid of passion.  My mom and stepfather were passionate in their relationship, complete with jealousy and laud fights.  I was about 6.  They were young, just married, and as most other Russian people, they liked parties and vodka.  Every time they would go to a party, I knew that when they come back, they will fight, and I was scared.  I would hide kitchen knives, crawl under the blanket, and freeze in fear.  One day I remember making a pledge to myself that I never live like my parents.  This translated in the brain of a little girl into a program that would not allow her to fall in love with any man who was handsome, raw and passionate, somewhat like my stepfather was, who’s ancestors were Kazaki - the courageous warriors, the freedom people of Tzar’s Russia.

From that moment of making this unconscious decision as a little girl, my life took a certain course.  All my friends, and later my boyfriends, husbands were “safe”.  They were mostly gentle, intellectual type.  These relationships mostly were great friendships, based on communication and security.  Of cause occasionally I would meet a man who would draw my attention and my being like a magnet, but one look in his direction would be enough warning to send the immediate signal in the brain to execute the protection program that was already set.  I would run, I would not engage, and if I do, the program would make sure to break this interest in the most of a week or two.

And this time was no different, the old program was still there, full force. I got into my car and left.  As I was driving I saw the magic of this land right in front of my eyes: a double rainbow right above the road.  The sight of it was so magnificent it took my attention for a second from confusion in my head from the encounter.  I stopped and got out of the car.  I was standing on the side of the road looking up at the double rainbow in the bright pink sunset sky, in awe.  Suddenly a beat-up white van also pulled in,  the man came out from it and came toward me: “Magical sight”, he said, “May I hug you?”, and he did before my mind turned on back again with it’s own suggestions.  I have to say here, since all my life I ran away from these kind of encounters, that hug felt like something I never felt. It felt real.  It felt life-giving. It felt safe.  “Lift me!”, I don’t know what made me say that, I wasn't really thinking, it blurbed itself out, but he didn’t hesitate and I was floating high in the air in a split second.  My body was held tight and secure in the big arms of a strong man.  I never experienced this feeling again in life after being held as a baby in my mother’s arms, or as a child, held by my father on his shoulders.  I was stunned by the feeling of freedom and safety at the same time.  He held me for a long time.  My mind would tell: “This is enough”, “He is probably tired”, “I am too heavy”, and I would try to wiggle my body down.  He would hold even stronger.  He didn’t say a word, and me too, it was as our systems were synchronizing: mine was fighting and giving up, and his was affirming, and at the end the realness took over the old pledge of the 6 years old girl.  The mind got free.
HEALING happened. 

from my book I am writing "Buddha on a Bull", Chapter 10 "Relationships. Healing Old dynamics"

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Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Conforming tendencies of the character + awakening experience = nut house !


Suppressive, conforming tendencies of the character + awakening experience = nut house 

Yes, it is that serious.   And some of you who know it already, will appreciate I verbalized it !

This is why conforming character + awakening experience = nut house: 
Conforming, suppression, compromising are the contraction of energy.
Awakening experience evoke full expansion of energy.
It is unresolvable inner conflict.  You can't un-do awakening, and contraction can't sustain itself in the presence of expansion.  The longer this goes, more intense tag of war between energies, and one day it might blow up as an erupting volcano of psychiatric episode or serious illness.

Post awakening in the conforming character leads to deep depression, hiding, wanting to end life, wanting life to end...this is as much fire inside as it gets, suppressed! 

Anyone who used to conform, compromise all their life to partners, family, society, to anyone who has confidence, authority, or whoever it happens in your case...it is important that you carefully read this.
These tendencies of the character will not magically disappear, this is major shadow work that has to be done.

First, you have to honestly see that you conform.
Second, you have to get tired from doing it unconsciously.

Third, you decide to observe the conforming behavior.

Fourth, you say, scream, yell NO to it! 

Fifth, you keep observing and engage in the conforming character more consciously in a situations that you can't be authentic yet.  The more you see the conforming role of the character, the more clarity of who you are and what you are living in the moment will be, the more courage and strength will accumulate for the final release.

Six, this is alchemical work of the spirit itself, we can't calculate how to release conforming role, it may happen in confrontation with your parents, partner, boss, anyone with whom you kept the role going.  Suddenly you got enough of wearing it and you take if off.  

The other party will probably not understand what is going on.  They used to you in a role, they will keep addressing you as you are in a role, they would be totally confused by your metamorphosis, they will try to undermine it in different ways, just to put you back in your usual conforming role, they will not believe that what you were before were not you, they will not accept your new face, they might shut all the doors on you... everything and all of it together -worth it.  The freedom that comes from authenticity that was covered by a conforming role is that freedom you are looking for!  

The energy release from letting go of conforming role is absolutely freeing and fully support the authenticity, creativity, wellbeing.  The release can be immediate, in parts, or overtime.   After release of the role you can be fully alined with who you are, beyond sporadic moments of recognition, you are awake in life, effortlessly, there is no internal conflict, the roles in life are more holistic and beneficial to wellbeing and clarity of the mind.  

You are awake and you are free.  You experience peace in your being and renewed joy from meeting life. This is trade off for loosing those who were with you because they were attracted to you as the role, not authentic you.  But now you will meet new ones, those who will support you naturally, because they simply like your true face. 

At the end I say that expecting understanding what actually happened to you, is asking for too much from those who only want to see your old role as you. Leave them alone. It's already shocking enough for them to have their idea of you be shuttered, or even a little questioned. Have a compassion and understanding that it is also not easy for them to let go of their idea of you. It may change one day, and you may meet in the authenticity, and it might be very healing experience for both of you.

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Born in June 2011 out of inspiration to share how to end life long spiritual search, drop the observer, and return back to naturalness we are.

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