The least what interest me now is transcendence, or
any practices or methods that allow to alter the mind
to present me with a different reality. Why?
We have absolutely wonderful 2 ways to participate
as a human: a walking state (we call it during daytime ) and
a dream state (usually we call it at night time).
Both of these are already altered states of mind -
total adventure! The attention narrows into the limited perception of the character with it's own attributes,
sort of like you got into the Halloween costume -
isn't it already interesting?!
It doesn't even matter what character it is: handsome or not,
rich or poor, healthy or ill. Does it matter when you wear
on a Halloween a costume of a fairy princess
or an ugly witch? Does it make you feel ugly, or it is still interesting?
And at night! Mind is altered in a way that the character
is not even set in stone that much as during the day,
and the adventure even more fleeting and changing,
you can really see how you can live many lives at once!
So why in the world we want to continue this chemically altered mind trip and that trip, this journey and that one, again and again? What is that you are still seeking?
I asked my partner, he is so down to earth,
and he altered his state of mind so many times before,
he is a good one to ask this: "Why people can't stop seeking? What is that they are looking for?"
"They are seeking permanent bliss", he said,
"which never can be, but they still hope"
“Perhaps people are seeking more adventure, because
regular life seems boring, they are too focused into the boredom of the character, they miss the mystery of existence", I offer.
And so I continue to wash the dishes, with almost pleasure,
though I never liked to wash the dishes, but I now find
that this activity has the same meaning, has the same value,
as anything that I used to prefer as a spiritual seeker.
Look, isn't it a miracle that the water is running,
and the body is moving, and the dishes have different forms?
My mom loved to wash the dishes, and she can't participate
in this activity anymore, or as a mom too...
Don't you see the mystery, right here?! Right in your own kitchen!
I am getting more and more practically inclined.
I want to guide, to consult, but I do not want to talk about seeking, though I do understand! I want to talk about your daily life, how to make you notice this mystery of life right where you are. How to not wait another couple of years
to start something, but start now. How to meet a partner,
how to love each other. How to start living what is,
instead of trying to fix constantly and change
to something that "supposed to be better".
Maybe I am a bit lost in a spiritual circles,
I am feeling less an less belonging, but I do not have
any other circle really. All my adult life I was a seeker.
I do not feel as a light worker, light warrior, satsanger,
teacher, student, shaman, medicine woman...
I do not feel as particularly light neither, no fairy dust on me.
I did not loose all the reactions, or fears, I am fine with them. They will go when it's time, I am not in a hurry here.
I feel as I walked my own path to realisation.
At least to where the perpetual drive to seek
of "Who am I" or "Home" is gone.
And at first it was almost a joke, a "laugh out laud",
that I had to endure, struggle, and make monumental efforts
to see that there is nothing to find more then it is already present. It is only possible to suddenly see it. Suddenly become aware. And when it happens, you just laugh.
Then you keep forgetting, and when you remember,
you get mad on yourself, or disappointed, or scared to loose it. So you get into seeking even more, but now you
sort of hide from yourself that you are doing it. You still identified with that character, with the comings and goings.
When you live enough of that to notice that all that movement
of remembrance and forgetfulness happening not to you,
but in you, then you relax. It just happens.
You let coming and going be as it is. You just observe it,
it happens by itself, no one needs to remember to observe.
Something knows this coming and going,
and that does not need a reminder, it is it's very nature.
I am not sure where I was going with all this today,
I do not choose the words, they come, so I let them talk,
and therefore sometimes I arrive with them into this place,
where they die out, leaving me wordless.
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Thank you so much!