Thursday, October 19, 2017

Healing my primary relationship

After couple of years of inquiry into my relationships, mind was ready to let go the programs that were keeping old dynamics in place. I felt more and more freedom and clarity, it was gradual clearing that led me to a circumstance where the propensity of the mind to choose certain partners in life fell off completely, giving space to more holistic relationship.  I will tell you about it here, it will illustrate the dance life dances, and how innocent our character is in all it’s unconscious choices. 

It was a similar day like any other gorgeous days here in Big Sur.  Beautiful surroundings where the mountains with lush vegetation meet the ocean, and the nature is so full and vibrant, everyone feel magic in the air.  Here this word you say and hear very often.  This is the land of ancient indian tribes, ancestors were choosing well the land to live on, and plenty was available.  The joy for the eyes and ears, the most fertile land with fresh source of water, shielded by the mountains and with access to the ocean for fishing, surely was a great choice!  This land still till this time hold it’s beauty and magic.  This is where I met him.

It was already several years into after a series of awakening experiences that started a landfall of changes in my life.  From having a regular life of a middle aged woman in New York city I found myself  across the country, in the community called Esalen, working in the kitchen and living in the small room in a trailer, it had sort of a hippy or a college feel.  Every day I would walk to my work at 5am in the morning through the forest in a fog, as in a fairytale.

Awakening like an inner revolution, and you really never know where life will take you after.  It maybe the same town, family, same job, or you will be taken for a ride across the world, meet people you need to meet, and find work that serves the living for the time being.  This is how I ended up in Esalen in Big Sur, I was 43.

As we change dramatically at the event of awakening or enlightenment experience,  and the years following, the way we relate to others and our relationships change dramatically too.  As we expand through the experiences of awaking, our choices of relationships also expand.  Relationships mirror our state of the mind, it is extension of our own mind, and as the mind transforms, the outer circumstances and relationships we are engaged, transform as well. We leave behind the relationships that does not support the new way of being, and we come across people who match us in the freedom and truth. 

This period of unstable and changing relationships can be very uncomfortable, can evoke fears coming from feeling unknown, insecure, vulnerable.  This is very good ground for continuing inquiry into self image that is constantly created, and especially in relations.  We can’t heal the relationships that does not work anymore, but we can heal our mind, showing him again and again how he creates identities, how he tries to run old programs, tries to engage us in the old dynamics. 

I was coming back from work at nigh, and as I pulled in my car to a driveway suddenly I had to stop abruptly. An animal jumped right in front of my car. And then another.  The first one probably was a deer, I only saw his legs and hooves in the windshield, and seems like I saved his life, because the second one, after he jumped over the hood of my car, stopped on the side of the road.  He turned his head toward me and in the bright headlights I saw the mountain lion staring at me.  I never had an encounter with a big wild animal before, besides seeing them in a zoo.  I didn’t even know what it was, it was big and it was looking at me.  For a second or two our eyes met, I felt as he was making sure I really look in his eyes, then he took his eyes off me and disappeared into the darkness of the surrounding bushes.  The wild, wise eyes, piercing into mine, this is what was with me the days that followed.  “Strong medicine” I was told by locals here.  A month later I met him, the Native American Indian man who crossed my path like a mountain lion in sudden, raw, healing encounter. 

It was late afternoon and I was ready to go to a dinner, I opened a door and stepped outside my room.  There was a man there doing some work on the other rooms in this housing complex, I never saw him there before.  He looked at me, and our eyes met for a second or too, he turned his head away and disappeared into one of the rooms. There was rawness in his eyes I knew already.  “Danger”, I said to myself.

When I was a little girl I learnt to be afraid of passion.  My mom and stepfather were passionate in their relationship, complete with jealousy and laud fights.  I was about 6.  They were young, just married, and as most other Russian people, they liked parties and vodka.  Every time they would go to a party, I knew that when they come back, they will fight, and I was scared.  I would hide kitchen knives, crawl under the blanket, and freeze in fear.  One day I remember making a pledge to myself that I never live like my parents.  This translated in the brain of a little girl into a program that would not allow her to fall in love with any man who was handsome, raw and passionate, somewhat like my stepfather was, who’s ancestors were Kazaki - the courageous warriors, the freedom people of Tzar’s Russia.

From that moment of making this unconscious decision as a little girl, my life took a certain course.  All my friends, and later my boyfriends, husbands were “safe”.  They were mostly gentle, intellectual type.  These relationships mostly were great friendships, based on communication and security.  Of cause occasionally I would meet a man who would draw my attention and my being like a magnet, but one look in his direction would be enough warning to send the immediate signal in the brain to execute the protection program that was already set.  I would run, I would not engage, and if I do, the program would make sure to break this interest in the most of a week or two.

And this time was no different, the old program was still there, full force. I got into my car and left.  As I was driving I saw the magic of this land right in front of my eyes: a double rainbow right above the road.  The sight of it was so magnificent it took my attention for a second from confusion in my head from the encounter.  I stopped and got out of the car.  I was standing on the side of the road looking up at the double rainbow in the bright pink sunset sky, in awe.  Suddenly a beat-up white van also pulled in,  the man came out from it and came toward me: “Magical sight”, he said, “May I hug you?”, and he did before my mind turned on back again with it’s own suggestions.  I have to say here, since all my life I ran away from these kind of encounters, that hug felt like something I never felt. It felt real.  It felt life-giving. It felt safe.  “Lift me!”, I don’t know what made me say that, I wasn't really thinking, it blurbed itself out, but he didn’t hesitate and I was floating high in the air in a split second.  My body was held tight and secure in the big arms of a strong man.  I never experienced this feeling again in life after being held as a baby in my mother’s arms, or as a child, held by my father on his shoulders.  I was stunned by the feeling of freedom and safety at the same time.  He held me for a long time.  My mind would tell: “This is enough”, “He is probably tired”, “I am too heavy”, and I would try to wiggle my body down.  He would hold even stronger.  He didn’t say a word, and me too, it was as our systems were synchronizing: mine was fighting and giving up, and his was affirming, and at the end the realness took over the old pledge of the 6 years old girl.  The mind got free.
HEALING happened. 

from my book I am writing "Buddha on a Bull", Chapter 10 "Relationships. Healing Old dynamics"