Chapter 8. Embracing Darkness and Light
The Grand Demolition
After the experience of revelation and realisation of who I am, my old life completely dissolved. There was nothing to hold on to anymore, everything from the past was gone by now. Every person, every environment I was a part of in the past was gone. I shed all I could, though it was not by my choice.
If I could, I would have chosen gentler, kinder ways for myself, rather than stripping it all to the bare bones. If you think you can control this process, I can assure you, you can’t. You may as well drop the secret wish to be in control right now. We project how it will unfold. This is your old thinking trying to secure a place in the journey forward with you, but it will be left behind anyway, you will be amazed at how. All the suggestions from all the teachers in the world will not help you at this moment; you will have to face the destructive forces of the awakening experience by yourself, and there is no way to prepare for that.
The destruction process that inevitably goes along with awakening to the truth aims to uncover the authenticity in us, which is hidden by all the bullshit in the world that we take as our own. We are truly limitless and pure, we are beyond life and death, we are free from all the conditioning, we are all and everything…and yet we are squeezed by the ignorance of who we are into the limitations of the body, limitations of the thinking, beliefs, opinions, ideas. Of course, there will be a demolition process, the extent of which depends on the depth of the realisation experience and the strength of the structures that need to go. And this may explain the wide variety of experiences that people have after awakening.
Those of us who have lived lives of conformity feel the blow the most. All the built structures, established procedures, and conforming roles we play will be destroyed. This is not a walk in a park; it is a serious recalibration of the whole being. The energetic equilibrium that was holding you as a certain character in the established places is no more, and the whole human organism, on all the levels of being, will try to come to a new equilibrium. This takes time, perhaps a lifetime.
Anything not resolved in our inner world and in our relations with others will now be on the forefront, demanding resolution. If before we could stuff something in the depths of the mind and forget it ever happened, now this very muck is right on the surface of the mind, screaming loudly to get our attention:
“Look, you, coward, I am still here, and I don’t give a shit about your peace of mind. You think you have come so far in your spiritual advancement, you think you can rest now? Yeah, right! I won’t leave you alone until you look here, at me, at your own stuff. And I am not kidding, I’ve been silent for too long. I gave you all the time and space to reach this “awakening,” but now you need to give time and space to me!”
We conformed to our parents, spouses, friends, co-workers, bosses, anyone on the street. Everyone wanted us to be just like they wanted us to be. If you recognise yourself in this description, I have to warn you, you are on “Superman, The Ride” - a 221foot vertical drop rollercoaster ride -- until you release that last bit of conformity. You will go up and down, and all around and repeat this so many times with those who expect you to be just like you were before - the same Bill with the same predictable behaviour, with the same avoidance smile on your face. I know it, because I had that smile myself, the smile that says it all: “I will be just what you want me to be, but please, no troubles.” And you know? The scariest part is that I had no idea I was actually doing it!
I am writing here about the destructive nature of awakening, but there is a grand plan, a bigger plan. It will put a new building in place, a new character, new systems that can accommodate the awakening energies much more efficiently. To build a new shiny building is to first demolish the old one, and there is no other way to get around it. Not resisting the demolition is the only sane way to proceed with the project. The old character with her old behaviour will be gone, concept by concept, belief by belief, tension by tension, stone by stone. There is a building permit already in place; as soon as you dip into who you truly are, you’ve got it signed.
As with any construction, the project goes in stages; it is not finished overnight. Your renovation permit is valid until the project is done. You can’t stop this process half way, though sometimes, secretly, you will want just that. The old mind structure will fight, cry, beg for a break, try to deceive, send fears to the forefront. The only suggestion here is to hang in there, let it do what it supposed to do, relax as much as possible, and remember who you are. The renovation is only for the character, not the true you. The true you never needs any improvements, it is a limitless luminous awareness that is ever-present and perfect in its essence. Of course, sometimes there is pain. Being in a body in this world, we identify with the character itself at the moment of pain, but we also can inquire about pain, and allow space for it, without rejecting it, without entertaining the thoughts of suffering that might come along with it.
Facing our ingrained beliefs, our painful and tragic stories, and the masks we wear in the world is not for the faint hearted; this is why many never engage in this process in their lifetimes. I have to add here that most of the time we are not even aware that we are carrying our stories, we are not even aware that we are wearing a mask, we are so innocently blind, we just think that what we think and live is the truth. This does not work after the realisation experience, as we now know what the truth really is, and we know it clearly. Without a doubt, we know the essence of who we are, and we are ready to carry that knowing into our lives in the world.
So imagine or recall that you wake up in your house, with your family, carrying this knowing now. Everything in your perception has changed. Everything. And nothing has changed for your family. “You are late for work, Bill, you are always late, it drives me crazy!” You hear the same phrase you used to hear. But now you smile, amazed by how believable this movie is. You are in awe. However, this awe is not shared by your spouse, your parent, or anyone else. They only want you to get your ass out of bed and start your usual routine: apologetic smile, hurry to the shower, murmur “Love you,” and run out of the house. You either sit there with a strange, blissed-out face, or you get into the habitual movements so everyone leaves you alone. You continue your day, days, months in this manner. You are sort of like an undercover agent: you go through habitual movements and social obligations, but actually, you are a space where this movie is happening.
Remember, though, that you have a demolition and renovation permit. This is a permit to demolish the apologetic smile and the many habitual movements and behaviours that you learned throughout life: denial, transference, regression, dissociation, projection, repression, and so on - the whole gamut of protection mechanisms for a human not to face the pain.
To give you some perspective on time, I have to say that, in the experience of realisation, in the space of pure awareness, the brain re-wires and some of the old mechanisms will just evaporate, and others will be accommodated and then shed over the course of many years. For some people, the re-wiring will occur at a gradual pace, as if one is slowly turning pages, engaged in an interesting book, the unknown on the next page making the experience all the more interesting. For others, it will be more intense, sort of a crashing all at once, like reading the “Cliff Notes” to a popular book to see what happens rather than reading through the original.
If your life was built on lies to yourself, however, what is the point of keeping this building or any of its parts and trying to renovate it? It is a subject for full demolition, and what is the quickest way to demolish the building? Detonate it.
A human being is a social being, gravitating to relationships and family life, needing a home to live in and food to eat, some work to feel useful, and a mind to engage in all kind of activities. To take away one’s home, family, work, mental abilities - all at once - is a detonation, and this is exactly what happened to me. First went my house. It just burned down one day. Investigators couldn't find a cause. There was no apparent cause, but I knew the cause later, when, after the house, my husband was gone.
My ex-husband and I shared a life together for 15 years, and we were attached to each other, fully glued together. We lived together, worked together, spent every weekend together, traveled together, meditated together; we even woke up at the same time. Everyone thought we were an exemplary family. I did, too, until I got that renovation permit.
Suddenly I saw clearly that the relationship we had for so many years was built on the wrong foundation: needing each other to survive. He needed me, I needed him. And it worked for a long time. But not anymore. We probably would still be together, unhappy and trying to work it out, but the house decided for us: Why postpone the inevitable? Let’s just burn up all this togetherness in a fire!
My brain was next to go after the first couple of blows to the structure. It said: “I can’t deal with so much all at once, I’ll just shut down as much as I can. Bye, Elena!” And it did, leaving me almost disabled with a debilitating brain fog and loss of memory. It has taken almost seven years to be able to start writing this book; the ability to focus and concentrate improved after many years of major inner rebuilding, after the dust had settled.
I have met people who didn’t experience anything like what I have described. It doesn't mean they will not experience it in the future, Perhaps it is a more gentle and slow renovation project for them: brick by brick, habit by habit, lie by lie. I have met people who hide behind the identity of “teacher” and it is very difficult for them to go through the demolition process in the public eye, so they keep the dark corners of their mind shut. At some point, we might read some juicy news about them involved in some scandal -- usually it is either sexual or money-related, these being the two most common unresolved parts of the old character. I have met those who are very articulate and successful as teachers, but not happy in their private lives. They are not willing to look in that area yet, still holding onto control. This hurts a lot, but the hurt they feel is less than their fear of letting go of the old relationship dynamic. And I have met people who have integrated beautifully, and relatively easily, because their life was already based mostly on authenticity, instead of conformance and survival.
The initial integration process varies dramatically, and it is not a yardstick for the depth of realisation. Maturity of realisation unfolds as we continue to participate in life, opening ourselves with the courage to be who we are in a world that constantly entices us with its grand illusion of the permanence of the physical form.
Rebuilding for Freedom
Now that I have almost scared the shit out of you, let me also tell you about the brighter side of awakening: it is freedom.
We live life without realising that we are trapped like a character in a night’s dream, going about his business only to disappear in the morning. We are identified with the character that we call by our name. We think this is us, and everything going on with this character we take as ours. Realising our true nature sets us on the way to freedom from this illusion, freedom from fears and imposed limitations of this character, freedom to live a more creative and authentic life.
I was born in a family where everyone performed their duties. My step father was a military officer and my mom worked anywhere she could find a job that didn’t require much education. They were not parents who would foster unconventional thinking in their daughter or support her creativity. Their advice, which was more of a demand, was to get good grades in school and be “a good girl.” So I was good, and so were my school grades.
I learned from them that you need a life skill, a profession that will assure you will have a home to live in and food to eat. This is the farthest my parents went with giving me any life advice. I never heard “Do what you love” or “Follow your bliss.” I didn’t learn about bliss and creativity, I learned about responsibilities and fear.
The experience of realisation not only halted my unceasing seeking and gave me a demolition permit, but it also gave me permission to be the character I am in this life, without trying to please anyone. I got a permit not to be a nice girl. I got a permit for authenticity, for creativity, for playfulness, for bliss!
I was serious for so long, as most of us are when we become adults. Life is a whole different ballgame when you have to pay the rent. We develop a view of life as something we have to tackle, and everyone else around us as competition. It is a dramatic change from the childhood days where we just played and were fed. We are not playing anymore, but surviving. If only we could realise who we are NOT: not the character to identify with, not the body to be afraid for, not the thinking to constantly listen to… We might instead experience this very spaciousness that holds the world: Ahhh, what a relief, we don’t have to sweat life anymore, it only gets interesting!
Of course, if the awakening experience was partial, the understanding of who you are may be intellectual; this happens with a lot of seekers. In this case, it might not be time yet for the thinking mind to let go of control, as identification with the “character” is still fully in place. Then further inquiries will facilitate deeper knowing and release of identification. Please keep this in mind, this is a very important point that many disregard, living with the intellectual grasping, and wondering why nothing really changed in relation to suffering they experience.
In the retreat leading up to realisation, I understood the ownership of truth that my mind was still holding. Various spiritual revelation experiences of selflessness, unity, higher states of mind, were not fully integrated yet. Though thinking mind was absent in those experiences, afterwards it took ownership of the experiences as if they had happened to “me.” The mind hijacked the truth that was present in those experiences, and made it merely intellectual. And though the inquiry of who I am continued, and brought to experience of IAM, and to awareness of silent, ever-present witness of any experience.
Only the boundless state of being, IAM, gives out the permits. They are created as soon as thought ceases, when “I am” as an individual, a character “me” disappear, and the majesty of who I am is revealed. Then permits are made and signed on the spot: permits for demolition, renovation, and rebuilding as well as permits for not being too serious, not worrying about tomorrow, loving yourself without conditions, and many more permits that make this life of a character not only tolerable, but highly interesting and adventurous.
Those of you who have realised the truth know exactly what I am talking about. The lightness of being that comes with knowing who we are is indescribable. It can be compared with the lightness a child feels, playing on a playground or riding a bike without worrying about how she looks, what she will eat for dinner, or if she has enough money to get the toy her friend has. She just rides a bike, totally exhilarated by the ride, the wind blowing in her hair, and the sun shining on her freckles. She is one with life. She is playing.
There is a great saying: “Be in the world, but not of the world.” With realisation, you have freedom to be immersed in the dealings of this world, but when things get a little thick, you know this is not the end of the world. There is a certain lightness in all your dealings, and you might even look very serious and very involved at times, but you have an inner smile now. You also have this wondrous attitude and appreciation for every circumstance. A very difficult divorce could arise, or a misunderstanding with your closest friend, the loss of a job, or the death of a close relative, yet still you live with knowing, with gratitude and with wonder, even in the most difficult times. You may feel pain, and fear, and cry, and at the same time there is the space of knowing of all that, Awareness, and it accommodates anything. You are less judgmental regarding what is happening; you are more allowing, more open, more porous, more free.
When we talk about liberation, it is not liberation from feeling pain, or fear, it is liberation from the suffering associated with them. Our vehicle - the human body - has six senses, before awakening, and after. Our six senses are the gateways for the thinking mind to project the physical world into existence. Liberation is not from the six senses. It is not our human faculties that make us free or not free, it is clear knowing who we are and not associating tightly with the world of phenomena that comes with the faculties. The six senses will be there: this organism is born with them, and it will die with them. There will be physical pain when we step on a thorn walking barefoot on grass, or when we have surgery to remove a wisdom tooth, or when arthritis flares, or a migraine occurs. There may also be all kinds of emotional pain from loss and separation, and all kinds of fears and distress. Remember, among all the permits we received to go forward, there was no a permit to be a Super Human who lost her abilities to sense, and feel, and ponder. We are liberated from identification with what comes into existence through the six senses, and we have all the space in the world for anything that arises through them. We are not fooled by rising and passing phenomena into the suffering that it is happening “to me.”
A tree that grows in an open field, yielding to the winds from four directions, does not suffer from its dance with the wind. We too, participate in the dance of hearing, seeing, tasting, smelling, feeling, thinking, without suffering. If the wind is too strong it can even break a branch from the tree; if a circumstance is too intense, it can damage the body with illness. If the wind blows mostly in one direction, the tree yields to accommodate the current, leaning and bending, and still growing the branches on the other side. Similarly, instead of resisting and fighting, trying to control circumstances, we are able to lean into the flow, or step out of the current.
When we know we are not limited to a body and to a thinking mind, we know there is nothing outside of us, we know everyone and everything around us is one intricate dance of consciousness. There is an innate willingness to participate in this dance. Instead of being terrifying and dangerous, the dance become wondrous. We are the dance itself. Every detail of this life-dance become a prayer, a grateful expression of being alive in this form and able to experience the wonders of this world.
“This is so beautiful, it’s amazing! This is so bizarre, it’s amazing! This is so painful, it’s amazing! This is so blissful, it’s amazing!” My partner often hears these expressions from me, and he immediately joins me in a celebration of amazement. He, himself, is amazing in his capacity to give a space to anything.
It is very easy to have peace of mind when all goes well, but when the rubber hit the road, as Americans say, it is very difficult to maintain the peaceful mind state. Here I have to tell you, it is not necessary to try to maintain any mind state. It is not necessary to pretend, to try to fix, or change. In fact, trying to control will not work anyway, it will only make you miserable. Just relax into pain, bizarreness, or intensity. Instead of fighting with a storm, get out of the way, find a shelter, not necessary to keep yourself in the situation that is not good for you, for example, just because that's what you used to do. Or allow yourself be spontaneous and free to express, like a child, and let emotional body do it's own thing, without apologies, sort of like striping off your clothes and let the waters wash over you completely, just as is recommended for anyone who is caught by a tropical storm in a jungle! Just allow space for the storm’s path through you. If you open wide enough -- to who you are, the boundless space -- you’ll see that this storm can arise and pass within you, without harm. This is a truly honourable way of living, without denial of and without attachment to humanness.
