Wednesday, September 14, 2011

What this mind had been looking for was a better "I"


Thanks for your posts and blog particularly. What I realized apart from there is no "I" is that what this mind had been looking for was a better "I"...it seems all mental activity was presenting this separation that's not really here. No "I" but still life seeing itself through points of awareness labled as "I"?
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Elena
August 27
o

oh, yes, that is very common! Can you also rephrase the last sentence and make it simple, so I see where you are! Hugs.
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Mark
August 28
o

Elana, first off I saw from your post that you're in NYC and hope you are doing well in the storm. I live in Louisiana and understand first hand about Hurricanes. They can be quite devastating.

You asked me to rephrase my last statement which is very kind of you to care. I was raised in the south as a christian and have had no one to discusss this with. In fact, having gradually dropped so many beliefs, I find it best to keep my mouth shut around family and friends.

Anyway, that's not what you asked. I guess what I was pondering is that if there is no "I" but only awareness becoming aware of itself, it must have many points of view as it wakes up in people. Or am I way off base.

Again, I am totally new at this with no non-dualist background whatsoever, in fact quite the opposite. I was taught, God then all "His" creations are separate. Anyway as to where I am, I've been asking the questions "Who or what am I", and "What is this I" for quite some time now to the exclusion of any other practice. It seems to cut right to the quick. So when I ask that question, I can't find a me...which took me quite some little time that I wasn't doing it wrong and that in fact there is no "me" there. It finally occurred that the "I" is just a thought and thought and emotions are not me. I'd read all that of course but it finally struck home.

What happened yesterday as I was reading your wonderful blog, is that even though I can't find a me there is still something inside that is like a familiar energy, almost a subtle grasping, clamping down...a wanting that's just below the surface. It's not really an emotion or thought but like a thin film or movement that feels like it needs to do something. When I brought it to the forefront and really looked at it...it sort of disappeared and there was peace. Actually, awareness just seemed to brighten or clarify. Watching this energy as it comes and goes, it seems like it is at the root of what I've always thought of as me. That in a nutshell is where "I" am. Not sure what to say or do, if anything other than to watch. Thanks for listening.
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Elena
August 28
o

Mark, great what you wrote! So there is a thin grasping you say, even though, you already investigated that you are not your thoughts or emotions. And I loved you went ahead and looked at that grasping - and it's dissolved. I would say, as long as there is form - there will be various grasping - thought is a grasping in the mind, emotion is free flow of awareness/consciousness, call it whatever, unless there is a thought present, then some grasping going on. So investigate that - when you feel grasping - look up if any thought there, besides flow of feeling. Let me know, OK?
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Elena
August 29
Elena
o

so, Mark, what's cooking? Let's keep this going until you done. Write to me once a day so I see where you are, and point if needed. thanks!
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Mark
August 29
o

Wow, thanks Elena, didn't want to bother you too much in case you were dumped on by the hurricane.

I wasn't sure what you meant about emotions being free flow of awareness/consciousness until I really looked and saw that what I was doing was ascribing a meaning to these emotions. Example, anger always seems like clamping down, but as I got to looking, a feeling would come up: I'd call it anger and resist it, which is clamping down, then it seems to go to the mind and up pops the "Me" feeling. Separation.

What I've been doing as I go through the day when a feeling such as annoyance comes up is saying: Who is it that is annoyed? Immediately that familiar "Me" grasping would show itself and almost immediately fade away. There would only be awareness. I've continued in the same vein by inquiring: Who is it that is seeing this? Who is it that is smelling, feeling, tasting etc. I must admit fear pops up sometimes. Feelings like "I" need to take over and do something. I've been inquiring: Who is it that is afraid? and Who needs to do something? There seems to be a lot of emptiness then big waves of anxiety sneak back in and take over. Then it's back to "Who is it that is anxious" all over again. I keep attaching a story to it but then see very quickly there is no one here. Any pointers would be very appreciated. Thank you!
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Elena
August 29
o

Really good pointer here. You are doing great. BUT change your questions. You can ask those questions later, and I will explain why. But for now ask the following. I will ask you, you look and ask yourself and write to me, ok?


Is there you in any shape of form in the reality?

DO you exist?

Do you ever existed?

What is "I", self?

There are the questions to ask now...

So if you are on FB right now. Look and tell me

if there you in any shape or form in the reality?
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Elena
August 29
o

the reason I don't want you to ask right now open ended questions like "Who is doing this?" "Who is afraid" Because it does imply that there is Who, and it is very subtle grasping on anything that will fit that WHO at the moment. To really see, we need to drop the Who or What completely. We will see that YOU is just a label. No you. But you need to see that. Not with open ended questions, but by vigilant looking into the experience. here and now. Do life need an entry called "me", "I" or there is no entity at all - just life, and "I" is just a label to some part of the experience. When you see the truth, then you can play with open ended questions.

If the fear comes - just look what's behind that feeling, ok. Right behind that fear.
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Mark
August 29
o

Thank you Elena, this mind is blank after seeing your post and letting it flow into awareness. No, there is no "Me" There is only watching, stillness...clarity, focus...expansion....flow. There is only "ing" as in verb...no thing. Watching this flow. Thank you. Will write back later as it goes on.
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Elena
August 30
o

THat is great, Mark. Seeing, real seeing is happening.

Look, do not analyze, answer this:

You say there is no you....Was there any you before?
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Mark
August 30
o

only that sense of familiar wanting or grasping in this chest. Can't find a me before now. When thought came up it attached to that grasping or vise versa not sure. Thank you.
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Mark
August 30
o

Okay, there is a seeing, sensing, openness...it even sees grasping but is not grasped itself...takes no ownership and is not affected by activities. As this comes into awareness or shows itself to be this awareness...background, space...any grasping drops...there is no grasper and nothing to grasp to. It's almost like there is a stopping yet the world continues to unfold. Also seems like the next thing to happen would be totally expected but at the same time a total surprise and awesome. No fear only anticipation...actually it's like that moment just after you take a bite of something but before you actually taste it...it's sort of a wonder. Not sure if this is making any sense but there is no avoidence...
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Elena
August 30
o

do you exist?
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Mark
August 30
o

There is still energy around the idea that there is a "ME" but it's porous like Swiss cheese or a sponge but in a word...no. There is no me. Peace. But then the grasping comes and says what is the next step?
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Elena
August 30
o

WHat is this "me" I am asking you about?
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Mark
August 30
o

But there isn't one...only awareness of goings on. Seeing, thoughts, sounds.
o

Where did it go?

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Elena
August 30
o

ever been you?
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Mark
August 30
o

If there's not a "me" now, there never has been. Apparently only thinking there was and identity around that thought. This heart is beating very fast.
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Elena
August 30
o

Welcome home, Mark!
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Mark
August 30
o

Blessings to you my friend!!!
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Elena
August 30
o

I love you. How does it feel not to be contracted into the Mark?
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Mark
August 30
o

Lightness, openness, like life is this awareness that is flowing.


Right now there is only peace, and this gentle buzzing feeling in this chest...will keep you posted. Many many thanks!
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Mark
August 31
o

Can't thank you enough Elena for taking me over the finish line...which ironically was the starting line as I see there was no where really to go. Bliss is a word that I thought over used and cliche...I see now with the limits of language it is the best I can do. Another thing is to be able to freely use the word "I" as a language construct that doesn't mean there's a "me". Looking back, I have been on this search for at least 15 years, but here I am, which is nowhere, yet everywhere. Grasping gone. Perfect stillness, freedom. That buzzing in my chest has radiated to my whole body and for the first time, my stomach is relaxed and expectant instead of knotted and anxious...I'll keep you posted. Many many thanks!
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Elena
August 31
o

Mark, this is awesome. So what was that self that bonded all that tension together?
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Mark
August 31
o

Hmmmm...conditioning maybe? At some point this body mind was told this is "you". You are good, bad, smart, dumb etc. Perhaps the mind co-opted this information as an "I, me, mine" and started this separation business...this "Me" separate from the world. It is amazing to look into this blissful nothingness and find there never was a me.
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Born in June 2011 out of inspiration to share how to end life long spiritual search, drop the observer, and return back to naturalness we are.

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