Monday, October 31, 2011

Seek and you shall not find: Questions On Finding The Self by Marky Baker

Marky is a young fellow who contacted me on Facebook. He been following my blog for awhile and, interestingly, was looking on his own. We spoke several times, exchanged great amount of warmth in our posts to each other, I saw - this gentlemen did really looked into the reality, and saw the truth. I asked him how it is actually happened, and he sent me his written inquiries, that I found beautiful and a cross between direct pointing and Jed Mackenna's autolisys. Here they are.

Marky: Hi! I just wanted to share with you what I've learned on this journey of finding self. This has been my experience so far.

First of all..

I'm not a guru. I'm just a young man curious about this sense of self. This sense of self that comes and goes. I've realized that I can't locate this "I am Marky" identity in solid , physical reality beyond thought form or feeling sense.

I had another realization in life just as equally important.
I don't believe in Santa Clause.

And just because I don't believe in Santa Clause anymore doesn't mean I don't celebrate Christmas. Just because I've realized movies aren't real and that movies are just moving images with sound,doesn't mean I don't get caught up in watching a really good film.

All this boils down to is simply a realization of what's real and what's fantasy. Life is real and this sense of self is not.

I have come to see that " Marky" doesn't exist in physical reality.. Marky is a cloud of images,sounds,thoughts, memories and sensation layering direct reality. This identity form clouds direct experience. It's not good. It's not bad. It just is.
And using words is the best way to describe my experience. Do words have limitations? Boy do they ever. Words are limitations in and of themselves.
Can words ever give you the taste of a cherry ? No. All it can do is describe this experience of taste in a very limited way. This is what I'm doing here. I'd rather see you eat a cherry for yourself then listen to these descriptive words of flavor any day. I hope if anything, these words inspire you to do that. Eat your very own cherry, Stop looking for its flavour and immediately the taste of cherries will flood your mouth.

So Santa Clause isn't real. Movies aren't really happening and Marky is made up of non physical transparent forms. Keep in mind I think personalties are still very practical and should be used as such in normal everyday living. Realization doesn't change the practical aspects of day to day life.

I also don't want to make a big deal out of this, because it really isn't. I think making a big deal out of recognition causes people to pass by this realization in exchange for a quest of an all abiding peace, stillness and a Zen like mind. What they think enlightenment REALLY is. They miss the simplicity of realization in exchange for intellectual understanding.

Shown below are some of the inquiries that have made me question the realness of this identity. " The identity of Marky".

If you'd like to see through your identity of self, please answer these questions with a open mind and a sincere heart. Take your time, and read it slowly.
I'm going to use the name "Elena" as if I were talking to you :)

First of all I'd like to ask questions where a lot of people get stuck.Personal identification with the body.

Look carefully and answer honestly. First of all do your very best to feel and sense your personal identity " Elena" for me right now.
Is "Elena" the body? Or in the body? That bag of flesh and bones?
Which part?
Look down! Imagine someone just chopped off your hand.
Was "Elena" in your hand... any particular finger of that severed hand?
If you said yes.. Are you no longer " Elena" then? Have you lost any sense of "Self?"

Example : You arm get's amputated.. Is that the end of "Elena"?
which lucky body part will I find "Elena". This living & solid physical personality.
I want to speak to her.I'm looking for the one that says :

" Hey ! I'm this Elena you seek . "

Is " Elena" in the mushy brain?
Is " Elena" in the physical blood pumping heart?
Does she live there? how much space does she take up in physical form?
If I knocked on the door of your body , would I find " Elena" inside?
Is she there behind all the muscles, bone and organs? Would she say " Here I am!" in her cage of flesh and bone?
or perhaps "Elena " isn't physical at all. Not even in the slightest.

Does any of your personal identity disappear with the removal of any physical limbs or organs? Check.
Are you any less " Elena" with a missing arm? a missing body?


Well when you point to this "I am Elena --the body", where EXACTLY are "You" in this body shell?
Point to that special body spot where your personality resides. Be specific. And tell me why.

Crack open your TV and tell me where those moving images,sounds and stories reside. Be specific and tell me why. Where did they go? Could you find these projections? Or was it all just a bunch of wires and metal pieces?

I for one have never seen a personal story,identity or " I am " sense hop about and walk around in physical form. I have never touched an "I am" sense, Have you touched this?-- A walking, talking "I am Elena" sense in physical reality?
Can't say that I have either.

Bodies are physical. Television's are physical.
Memory & identity transmissions aren't physical. Television transmissions aren't physical.

What do TV'S transmit? Images and sound.
What do memories transmit? Images and sound.
Memories are as flat as the images being transmitted to your television screen. Memories are flat regardless of the illusion of dimension or great distances that either your television screen or this screen of your mind offers to display.

I have always loved this quote " You travel only but in dreams"

The "Elena" Show is experienced frame by frame. But these frames move by so fast it seems that Elena is actually there. This animated creature.
Elena is this movie. Elena is illusion played out by experience.
( Frame by frame and thought by thought.)

Pause " The Story of Elena" movie and the story ceases to be. Frozen.
This living moving illusion has stopped. All that is left is a paused image of self, without a story at all. Just experience. You were never that image or sound. Moving or Paused.

When is the last time you picked up a television projection and threw it at someone?
Televisions can only act as receivers of these television transmissions and body shells can only act as receivers of these personal identity and memory transmissions.Neither of these transmissions are physically real.

Stories,personal identities and television transmissions have no physical form. They are unreal in this solid,physical reality sense.
Memories and your sense of self are as real as the moving stories that your television screen receives and projects every day. Completely unreal.
The thought form of you also has no physical form in this now- reality. That transmission of "Elena" which includes all images, sounds,memories and sensations is simply received by the body shell.

" Elena" is not a body. The thought " I am Elena" has no physical body. It's simply a sound transmission and image cloud overlaying the sky of direct reality.Direct experience. These clouds come and they go. The sky of now forever remains. Elena has no fixed point of reference. She disappears and reappears in every cloud.

People with Alzheimer haven't a clue as to what their sense of self is anymore, yet most people with this disease have their bodies completely in tact. Which goes to say their "I am " sense wasn't located in their body shell to begin with.
They have lost their self, yet the body remains .

It all comes down to memory forms. No memory= No personality= No Elena. Or at the very least Alzheimer causes a shattered sense of who they think themselves to be.

This is key: Who they "Think themselves to be."

Defragment memory. Defragment Identity.
Elena! Pretend you completely lost your memory. Look for Elena. Can Elena be found?
Don't break the rules. Something is left. You are what's left.

I'd say identity and the " I am Elena sense" must then point to the mind. Consider Elena to be a persistent and fantastic story transmission that clouds over reality from time to time. "Elena" is observed by reality/awareness. Reality/awareness isn't being observed by the passing cloud form known as "Elena."

Reality still resides when that "Elena" cloud floats on by.
This "Elena" cloud form is contained IN reality.. it doesn't encompass the whole of reality. It has a form. Subtle as it may be. See that any form doesn't encompass the whole of reality. No feeling. No thought. No story. It all ends somewhere.
What is reality beyond self? Look beyond the clouds.
Awareness/Reality experiences both the sense of the body and the sense of personality , both as forms that are being impersonally experienced.

You can touch a transparent sense of self as easily as you can touch a ghost.

You can't touch a memory in physical reality. Can you hold a memory transmission in your hands? How about your " I am Elena " sense? Can you grab a pound of personal biography and pass it to me right now? You'd be grasping at air. You could give me nothing in this present reality that would even begin to resemble a pound of solid personal identity. Because personality isn't real in the physical sense. It's not solid. Do you get that?
You are not here in a body or as a body.
Consider that the appearing and disappearing "I" thought uses and claims ownership of the body as a vehicle. Can a thought hologram really own a body? No.. but the string of persistent and reoccurring "I" thoughts likes to think it can.

These "I" thoughts label and equate the body as the personality "Elena". However a physical body and a transparent personality are two very different things. Body is solid. Identity is not. Identity is not even consistent. You can only know self by the thoughts arising. Where is this sense of " Elena" amidst the space between thoughts? " Elena" is no where to be found.Yet life still continues doesn't it?

Was this "I am" sense ever really the body? No. Because the "I am" sense isn't physical. It's not simply not real.

The container of the body steps inside yet another shell in life. A car. The car turns, parks and moves great distances. It's very functional. You've never mistaken yourself to be a car have you? Isn't that just a moving functional shell as well?

You are not the windshield. You are not the tires. You are not the steering wheel. You are not the mushy brain. You are not the heart. You are not the brain. You are not the body. This string of "Elena" thoughts is not the physical body shell.

Your car doesn't take on your "Elena" personality the moment you step into it. It is simply a vehicle. Your body doesn't have a personality either regardless of the recurring thoughts taking ownership of that particular body.
A body is simply a shell.

It's like those Russian Matryoshka dolls.A doll within a doll within a doll. The car shell contains the body shell which contains the transparent identity shell. The Identity shell is made up of recurring thoughts of a particular flavour. The Self.

The layered doll appears in life. You are not a container. You are not a shell. When you remove doll by doll.. What's left in the middle of that last doll?
Yet put all the dolls away temporarily to the side and life still exists. Maybe you were never really a doll to begin with.

Imagine if you were pure reality aware of this layered doll instead of being a layered Russian doll aware of pure reality? Quite a difference.

Forms come and forms go.You are not a form. The one thing that forever remains is the experiencing of these forms. Notice that I didn't say experiencer. Life experiences the illusion of an experiencer as well. When the illusion of " Elena" appears, it is pure experience aware of " Elena". No experiencer. All forms are experienced. All forms have a beginning and an end to them.
Life/ Experience does not have a form. If it has a form, it's not you.
You will never find an unshakable experiencer that is permanently here. An experiencer always has a limited identity form.
Experience/Reality itself experiences the arising illusionary experiencer. Thought form by thought form. Feeling by feeling.
There doesn't NEED to be "The Self" who experiences life, because life experiences that form too. All that is needed and remains unchanged is experience itself. Experience itself has no form. It just is.

And what about this "I" thought that takes ownership of the body? Is it consistent? or does it disappear and reappear during the day. Is it always there? Look. Really see that it doesn't have a solid form. Your " I am " sense flickers in and out of direct reality all the time.

What about when your mind is completely quiet,
( like in meditation for example) .
Where does this "I am Elena" thought cloud go?
Yet even with a completely quiet mind something still exists right?
Is your personal biography and commentary one hundred percent needed for existence to exist? Check.
When you go to sleep at night, something still breathes and functions.. You don't need that transparent" I " thought to breathe in and you don't need that "I" thought to breathe out. Life takes care of itself. Physicality still functions. Hands free.

Life is like a movie..and it WILL go on whether the director's commentary is running or not. Just remember you are not the directors commentary (even if you claim yourself to be.) It doesn't need to be enabled for the movie to continue. The show must go on!
This happens with or without this sense of " I am so and so and this is my commentary on Life: The Movie ".

Think about how many times that ghostly "I" thought disappears during the day... yet something remains doesn't it? Existence doesn't end when that " I am" thought vanishes.

The body of an Alzheimer patient still functions, without the " I " thought. So I repeat : Life STILL goes on. No memory of personal identity needed.

What is that life force independent of the " I am story" ? Perhaps it's impersonal experience.

So then..
Are you in your thoughts or memories.. Which one? All of them? Now give me a little wave to show me you're there.That you "Elena" really exists.
Wave to me Elena.
Really. Do it. Now.

If " you " waved at me
One of two things just happened.
You either
A) Waved with your impersonal physical body shell... or
B) A ghostly mirage of "your" body waved. This hologram stemming from imagination overlaying physical reality.
Those are your 2 options. An if
B) An image appeared to wave. It was an image of the body shell which isn't
"Elena" as I've discussed.

A personality can't wave. The shell of a body can wave. That's about it. You can signal right with your car too.And honk your horn.
This doesn't make your car "Elena".

We now know neither the car shell or body shell that your string of "I" thoughts claimed and took ownership of are really you. You are not the body and you are not these personal identified thoughts forms. Convincing as they may be.
How can a thought " own" anything anyway. Isn't ownership just a believed in label? Ownership is a self imposed fantasy.


What is aware of the thoughts " I am Elena" isn't that just a sound/picture combination that arises? If that Identity isn't real, then consider life is experiencing those arising thoughts , feelings and sensations that you claim yourself to be.

Say " I am Elena".
Really go on and say it mentally.
Sound just appeared. Maybe a transparent picture and memories might have appeared to. No physical reality there. Pure mental fantasy.
A magic show of the mind.

I bet those clouds forms of identification will quickly evaporate as you continue to read. Clouds always pass, Come back and pass again.

You can't find Elena outside of the mind. Can you find reality right now?
Yes always.Whatever is present IS reality.
What about "Elena" Can you always find " Elena" ?
Never beyond thought, feeling or sensation and never permanently here in this present moment. Life experiences " Elena" only some of the time.

" Jeg er Elena" isn't that just sound arising?
if you were unaware of it's foreign meaning it would just be meaningless sound.
Like someone telling you off in their mother tongue. Totally meaningless and unaffected by these arising sounds. Completely unaffected.

Nothing really means anything. Language creates separation. It birthed " You" and " I "

What was a tree before words existed?

It was undivided. Pure and direct experience.
And it still is.

Words aside.

Does your cat NEED to know his name is "Felix" in order to exist or to function?
Does Felix need to know anything or is it all instinctual?
How often does your cat think about his life and personal biography?
How often does Felix reminisce of the mouse he caught last week?
Is Felix seeking enlightenment Or is he fully alive right HERE.Simply lounging in the sun, playing will a ball of string? Would you tell him he needs to go on a journey to become self realized? To seek enlightenment? Wouldn't that be silly? He is as close to enlightenment as he will ever be . Right here. Right now. Telling him he needs to seek realization would be like giving him a pill of anti- enlightenment. He's perfect when he's not looking.

Every time you look. You take two steps back. Every time you stop looking, you're right where you want to be.

You say " I am Elena" and a picture forms.. Are you really a floating image overlaying this living reality? An image soon to evaporate and pop into nothingness. Is that past image of self necessary for life to continue or is it just appearing in existence? Are you really that DEAD image? What if Santa Clause was imagined right beside "Elena".. What makes the image of "Elena" more real than the image of the "Santa Clause".

We are just talking about holographic images here. Both are equally unreal.

Santa clause is just a bundled cloud of images,sounds, memories and sensation transmissions overlaying the direct sky of reality ." The mind's idea of "Elena" is no different .It too is a bundled cloud of images,sounds, memories and sensation transmissions overlaying the direct sky of reality.

So now question why the created mirage of "Elena" is more real than this "Santa Clause" hallucination that was just created? Is it because there is a thought of ownership? What is the difference? Aren't they both just created images, sounds, memories and feeling forms appearing in reality?

If you say "I am" find this I am.. what happened? Any answer will be a fantasy.

Let's play a game. Find yourself. The rules of the game are as follows:
You can't appear as a thought.
You can't appear as a feeling.
You can't appear as a sound.
You can't appear as an image.
You can't appear as a sensation.
You can't use language, memory
or point to your body.

What did you find? an undefinable something is still present right? Dive into what's left.

Let's play another game. Find me a problem in your present moment.
The only rule is you can't think. You have amnesia of the mind.
If you're pointing to a problem a thought is attached to it and you just broke the rules. Guaranteed.

Commentary can be a root of suffering. Words are the father of Judgement.

If you didn't have access to the English language or any other languages you speak, Tell me what is going on. What is your direct experience right now? Stay with this. It's that simple. The answer-less answer. This is what you seek.

Find the boundaries of thought..there is a place where any thought that arises begins to soften.. there is a boundary here where the feeling ceases.. Where no-thingness takes over. Find that exact location. Step outside the thought and into that no- thing, undefinable reality.

What is beyond the borders of the thought and feeling shapes? Both forms have a beginning and an end. Trace the subtle forms with your finger even.
You are the very essence observing all beginnings and all endings of form.

Can you find a problem when you step outside of these boundaries of thought and feeling?
If you can find a problem it's a guarantee you're stepping into yet another bubble of thought or feeling. Do you see that? Look beyond the bubbles. What are they arising in?

What is experiencing these "Elena" thoughts If personality shows itself as thoughts .
A thought can't experience itself. Formless life experiences this form ,
(A thought claimed sense of self. )Life experiences "Elena".

If you do find a problem. Locate where those boundaries soften as well. Thoughts and feelings always have subtle forms... ALWAYS.

There is a place where thoughts and feeling end and merge into nothingness. Peace always exists in present reality (outside of form.)

Behind the noise. Behind the images.
Keep in mind peace can show itself within the chaos as well.

This method isn't important to knowing who you are. It may even get in the way. Don't let it become a manipulation of life just as it is.This insight is to show you that life exists beyond thought , feeling and sensation.

I also have to tell you something.

Someone played a cruel joke on you. They said HEY! There's this thing called enlightenment.. it's a treasure for you to find.. It's like a magic wand and it will bring you peace and transform you into a saintly guru.

You're on that journey of seeking right now.. What if instead of seeking? You were to gaze at the flowers that are right ahead on this seeker's trail... or the sunset you've been completely missing out on. It's life just presenting itself. It doesn't even have to be beautiful. It could be a rock. Life is still presenting itself as it always has while you keep trying to find it. Don't miss the point. Stop seeking. Life is what you get. Nothing is waiting or hiding beyond this understanding.

Where's your peace? There's your peace --if anywhere. It is not found in seeking. Have you realized that yet? Have you found your answers and peace in seeking? Let's be real.

Don't seek the colour blue either. It's not a thing. It naturally presents itself. You just see it. There is nothing beyond this direct experience of life or colour presenting itself as it is experienced naturally. This Blue or This " You" .

if you want to hold onto intellectual understanding, If you feel you need to understand something in order to let go. Then go ahead and seek. You've just chosen seeking over simple realization.

You're going to get really tired and miss out on all the beauty that is passing you by BECAUSE you ARE seeking. That very realization that is presenting itself right now. Choose to seek or choose present reality. There can only be one choice. Moment by moment. When you choose to stop seeking you find everything you've been looking for. The taste of cherries.

Any journey or destination happens NOW . Even if enlightenment was to be found hypothetically, it would happen in this space of now. The seekers journey happens now. Always. And what is underneath all this seeking?

It is experience.

Lift up any rock of seeking and there will always be the ground of direct experience underneath. Guaranteed. See this time and time again. You've never left this home of presence. Where would you go? There is no where else to get to that wouldn't happen outside this nowness/reality. Presence has no form. No outside. No beginning. No end.
This is your anchor. This is all you're ever left with. Make yourself comfortable.
There's no place like home.

Day and night: Dream of visiting exotic lands , meeting people from every walk of life , and going on adventures of a lifetime in this dream world. When you wake up, see that you're right where you've never left.

Life does not depend on this "I" thought. Do you see that? It goes away and life is still here. Step into reality. Or simply see through the illusion of self that what was never really here to begin with.

It would be nice to know what you think Enlightenment is Elena.
What does it mean to you?
What do you think it will give you?
How would you know you were enlightened?
How would it make you feel?

Burn all of your answers in response to these questions. Throw them away and you will have your answer. There. You just got it!

Enlightenment is closer than your next thought.
Concepts and labels are a bondage of death. You can only describe the ghosts of life. Never the present moment life- force itself. Labels box reality. You can never describe what is, only what was. Even if you are describing this very moment. That moment has just passed into it's ghostly form. A moment ago has JUST been transmuted into ghostly images and sounds..a conversion of reality into fantasy. Aliveness into death. Existing only as mind forms now and forever more. The past will always and only be a floating dead ghost obstructing the aliveness of this direct moment. You are not this invisible ghost.

Resurrect your ghost if you choose to but living reality can only exist right NOW .Always without definition or boundary. Definitions can only be about the past reality moments ago. Definitions birth form. Now is completely alive. Free from the bondage of all labels and forms.

All thoughts of your personal identity reside in the dead past. Don't believe me? Find me a present "Elena". What is found? Dead Images. Dead Thoughts. Echoes. Ghostly thought forms floating and appearing in this living reality. Life is aware of that. Life is aware of this ghost of Elena. You are not a ghostly personality. But what is aware of it is very much alive.

Movies are dead images and sounds of the past as well .And like I said before. I love movies. Life can experience and enjoy these projections like any other Hollywood blockbuster. The only difference is that there is the clear realization that the movie is experienced and not lived. It is a fantasy to be experienced and enjoyed.

Perhaps you are impersonal life itself aware of the ghost, not the ghost aware of life. Find Elena and you will find Death. Find reality and you will find life. 
-Thank you for your time. -Marky