Friday, February 22, 2019

We Are Here To Live Unique Life and Play Our Own Accords

Here is what I learnt in the last years, maybe it was too far into my life journey, but I didn't learn this in my childhood. I learnt simple boundaries. I learnt that I didn't have any. I didn't know what it is and how to operate with others with the completely open aura my character caries, permutable from all the angles, what we call "sensitive". It surely helped with certain effort and unwavering focus to wake up from the illusion of separation: no solid identity, I simply am. But in life this was a source of all kinds of codependant relationships, and I allowed to be taken for a ride that I wasn't really wanted to be in a first place, I had no idea what is going on with me on that ride, but it felt very uncomfortable, and at times really painful. Growing up is just as painful as waking up, and is as essential. Waking up and hiding into absolutist identity just doesn't work, world around will ask you to come back to the ground and take responsibility, no matter how many times you will say: "This is not me, its Life itself". So I finally learnt how to operate this very character in the world that will demand from you to conform to their likings, rules, wishes and standards. I just get really clear on what I really want, not what my mind tells me, and I just do and keep it as is.


And why it is not that simple is only when there is something to protect, some inner soft place that we don't want others to see, some place where fear lives. Then we start to give in a little here and a little there, and a big time too, especially in public.

Fear of public humiliation is huge barabashka as we call ghosts in Russian  I did release it fully, barabashka does not live in the depth of my mind anymore. I released all the identities: self and imposed by world around. I released images of myself and what I want to project to the world. They all do not have a voting voice in my decisions. I know I am a controversial character, because I evoke a lot of stuff people do not want to see, perhaps not ready, I understand that completely, I was there myself. Not by accident I came to understanding I am here as a catalyst for deep transformation, and this does apply to myself firsthand. My own healing is what is all about, it heals here and it heals others through resonance. You might stay with me for a ride, or drop out at any moment, know that I understand and I love you, we are not here to be glued together and agree with each other. 
We are here to live unique life 
and play our own accords 
in ONE symphony 

About my recent letter to Liberation Unleashed community:
I am clear in myself that I had to speak up, and I did.  I do not hold on to any particular outcome, I don't have control, I had to stand up and express, so I can sleep well and heal. I am clear in myself about my own mistakes as a co-founder of Liberation Unleashed organization on the authoritarian direction it took, and I do take full responsibility for this. I apologized in person and in public to everyone who was mistreated and pushed out from community publicly or covertly. I am clear in myself that I am on a path of my own healing and clearing, and I am transparent about it through the years on my blog Complete Humanity.  Surely, I am not anyone's ideal, and this would be unrealistic expectation on myself. I am clear in myself I do not want Ilona Cuinaite in my field, this is why I blocked her after she deleted me from mutual resource we created. I do not want to engage. I am healing from being conformed within our relationship, its a question of reviving life or further decline for me, since I got very ill in the relationship from not being who I am and not speaking up my truth. Please understand that usually in the case like mine people do not speak up publicly, they open up to someone they trust and in place they feel safe. Because I healed substantially I can speak up, but I do not want to engage in the discussions with Ilona.  She has right to speak up, and I will not comment on her statements.  I trust she knows herself how true she is or not, how fully true she is.  She is on her own journey, and she has organization to lead forward, and I wish her well, always.

Some of my other writings related to this post:Authoritarian Leadership in Liberation Unleashed and how it can be changed:

Conforming tendencies of the character + awakening = NUThouse:
Parting with someone significant:

After Transcendent, Growing UP! many more...

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

What I am here for

I am here to live all kinds of human experiences, as many as possible, as high and generative, creative, expanding, or fked up, and as lost and low as possible. By this time I saw, lived and experienced a wide range of experiences human being can experience in the lifetime, so at this age and time I start to describe ~ Maya ~ Illusion ~ Mirage ~ from all different angles, understanding experiences and people, seeing the dynamics easily, writing or talking about it from my own experience, so people can relate easily, simply resonate or not to what I am describing. This is the way of the impact I am here to bring in this lifetime. Since I am here not to write or talk about one particular way or perception, you might not resonate with everything -- this is not a goal of mine, so if you do not like today's angle, try tomorrow or in a week, or a year, when I illuminate a different facet of the ~ Illusion ~ 

Monday, February 11, 2019

"You will help a lot of people"

7 years ago in Andes mountains in Peru I was traveling in a company of four women. We were brought to a shaman who did his divinations on the coca leaves. The biggest question at that moment for me was: Will my husband come back? Yes, nothing spiritual, very much survival question. Just as everyone before me was asking mostly similar down to earth questions.
I was not well already at the time, burning my adrenals through day and night putting Liberation Unleashed (LU) into existence, and working with people constantly to develop and test the method of direct pointing. A few of us, pioneers actually got very ill in the first stage of creation of LU.

The shaman threw the leaves on the table, and immediately turned to me: "You will help a lot of people". "I know that", I said impatiently, "but what about my husband, will he come back?", this was the question of the day 
Now years later I look back on living in that empty house without any furniture, trying to renovate it after the fire, trying to navigate my son's depression and mine, trying to find strength in myself while getting more ill with some mysterious autoimmune condition that made me completely disabled to live in the society for some long time, I have so much compassion for myself. I not only survived, I indeed helped a lot of people, with direct pointing inquiry, and also taking them with me on my honest journey through the first years of awakening.
And now when I am mostly left behind by my LU community as a "casualty", been pushed out as a "ballast", I received today this letter from someone I know as John, that warmed my heart and made me smile:
"Wow I just read your latest Facebook post. Something powerful is awakening in you, and I think it will help lots of people!"
Oh, I know that one, John, I truly know it so well! 🙃

Peru August 2012

Friday, February 8, 2019

Spirituality and Practicality

I wrote this on Facebook today:
I am closing my fundraiser. It seems to came to energetic completion. It was transitional period for me, and I appreciate everyone who did contribute, this allowed me to pay and finish my coaching training with CTI institute. I have only one module left in March, and I am done with them (6 months of training is almost done!). I paid myself for 2 modules from my savings, a friend from Liberation Unleashed and fundraiser from my friends around the world made it possible to pay for another 3. I also helped in that too, because I was doing some coaching or consulting sessions in exchange for donations. So somehow we made it!!

I joined master coach i very much respect in some sort of apprenticeship once a week. She has different style then the one I was learning in my training, and her style very much resonates with me and my ways, it brings all together, and I am excited about it!

People, I am very serious about this, and it seems came to my life long ago as the image of the Buddha on a Bull - spirituality and practicality in one. My book about it, my writings on a blog about it, my work with people about it, even my troubles with Liberation Unleashed was about it when I tried to offer my own voice there. I came a long way with my own voice, and there is no amount of carrots in the way of some sort of disembodied enlightenment will take me from my own path. Its all merged together in me in the beautiful and real humanity I live from this , I work with people from this, I write from this.

I came from the coaching module absolutely in awe what just happened there, surely I was ready for that. I came and thought I will be writing, this is so important, but I actually went into action. And that was a sign of complete dissolving of the life long conditioning, main fixation that kept itself as thread through the lifetime. I am still keeping intention to write about it, this will go into Buddha on a Bull book, the book will be not complete without it. As full as Awakening was here, and it allowed for what followed, this piece was a linchpin, holding life scenario together on a certain trajectory, keeping me in a disempowered state.

If even after awakening from the illusion of separate self, or any degree of awakening, opening to who you are, you feel dissatisfaction, not complete, not doing what you feel is needed and calling you, if you still feel disempowered, or weak, ill, have autoimmune condition that is not improving no matter what you try --- your life is still run by deeply hidden fear. It can be anything that is so hidden in the folds of your mind and personality that you are unable to recognize and see clearly. Surely you will embrace it all from the Consciousness perspective, from Love, but still, it will be churning in the depth of your mind, and directing the life you live here.

Please do not sit withering, and think: "It's all just happening", this is the main deception of being stuck halfway, this is not true nonduality. True nonduality is living fully, and living fearlessly, living in integrity of your being, acting from love, and not control, manipulation, and fear. And very often these three are presented in a way we do not recognize them. So I am sorry to leave you at this here. Words have their limitation, and this is why I invited you for the last 8 years with unceasing conviction to go live life, instead of engaging in the conceptual conversations on facebook or following advices of people who themselves don't know, they just have bigger balls here to pretend they do, elbowing each other for their advice to be sold. Surely I exaggerate a bit, there are some here who are real and helpful, be practical about choosing whom to follow, if you absolutely need to do it. If you find yourself stick to someone for years and see no changes in the state of being, choose someone else.