Saturday, July 30, 2011

I've been meditating my ass off for 25 years. For THIS?!? Part 2.

 needs it's own post. The guy didn't hold freedom to himself (if that's even possible!:)), he went ahead and liberated his niece, on the spot. Such a gift! So here it is:

Hi, Elena

I'm back from visiting my niece, and I've had some time to reflect over the situation.

Thoughts are still telling me that this can't be it and that there's gotta be more. Why the fuck are people hell-bent on getting enlightened?  Only because enlightenment is something they dream into existence.  And when that dream bubble burst after 25 years, as in my case, there's just “WTF?” left.  However:

If enlightenment is defined as seeing that the I doesn't exist as a separate entity, then I am enlightened.  I wonder who came up with that word in first place — certainly not an enlightened person.  “Annihilated” is more descriptive, don't you think?  “Liberated” is ok, so is Jed McKenna's “truth realized”. Still, those words had an air of splendor to me before.  More dreaming.  It's really so simple, there's nothing to it.  I would feel like a conman if I were to hold satsangs about this and charge money for it.  McKenna wrote 3 fucking BOOKS (4 if you include the notebook) about the subject when 3 WORDS would suffice: I DON'T EXIST (let's make it 4 and add a DAMMIT!).  But I guess that book wouldn't become a bestseller — and I would probably be sued for plagiarism from hordes of Ruthless Truth'ers.

The search is over.  But instead of being at the end of the road, at the goal, it's more like: this is where the journey starts for real, this is the beginning, not the end.  For the past 25 years I've been living a very restricted life, walked a very narrow line, because I wanted to obtain just this: enlightenment.  Had I known before what enlightenment is I wouldn't have gone for it.  I imprisoned myself for 25 years to obtain freedom now? How sick is that!?!

I told you I was visiting my niece in another part of the country.  She's a very bright and very sweet girl, 23'ish y.o.  Almost immediately I sensed that she had embarked on the self-development journey.  She is borrowing books on the subject from the library (I'm glad she hasn't yet made her own spiritual library like I did!) and she is actively looking for hands-on courses in self-development.  Well, WAS, because:

Elena, I couldn't see that sweet girl embarking on the same stupid journey I went on 25 years ago.  Imprison herself and waste a lot of time and money.
Sooner or later she would get to hear about enlightenment, and she would want it as much as I did, and only god knows for how many years she would be trapped, raped and robbed.  So when we reached the last few hours of my visit I gently told her “My dear, I sense that you are keen on self development.  Before you embark on that journey, please do me a favor and find out what ‘I’ is — well, we can do it right away, if you want, it won't take long”, and she was all in.  We started by establishing what is real and what is unreal (the unicorn lesson), and she grabbed that immediately, including that some labels describe real things, other labels describe imaginary things. I then asked her to locate the ‘I’ that is seemingly having all these experiences, and after a few minutes she said “I can't find anything”. When the implications of this discovery hit her she had a mild panic attack, mostly because, as she said: “Dammit, now everything has been destroyed!” and a few minutes later: “What a pity I paid that conman (a self-development coach) $60 for a consultation the other day, those money are just wasted!” (she's a student, and she is somewhat short of money).  No need to say that she has canceled the self-development journey she'd booked a seat for, and now she has to sort out the implications, much like myself.  I'll stay in touch with her, of course, to make sure she's alright — it was really a blow to her, and it came unexpectedly — but I'm glad she's not going to waste precious years of her valuable youth imprisoning herself for no reason.

So Elena, here we are.  I send you much warmth for helping me out on this. Being an old geezer, I had expected this to last for months on end, if I had made it at all, and then all it took was a short look.  The precise turning point was when I watched that movie and ate that cracker, and I saw/realized that there was watching and tasting but no seer and taster.

I don't know where life is going now, and it doesn't really matter.  Old stuff is surfacing from the depth and structures are being reorganized. I will definitely not be holding satsangs, and I probably won't be writing books either (other than the one titled “I Don't Exist” with one single word inside: DAMMIT!).  I'm also not sure that I will unsolicited recommend people to become ‘enlightened’, but it makes good sense to approach people who are about to imprison themselves in the self development trap.  We'll see where life goes…

Thanks again, Elena.
Much love,

This photo came a day later:

A strange coincidence/synchronicity happened when I sat with my niece after she'd realized the truth:

The transport company in her city are re-routing all the buses on 8th August.  To help the citizens find the new bus routes the company has created a website and they are advertising on every single bus in the city.  Lots of different ads.

As we sat there, waiting for my train back to Copenhagen, a bus with the ad “Hvor pokker er jeg?” stopped right next to where we sat.  It literally means
“Where the heck am I?”.  Very appropriate, huh? ;)


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I've been meditating my ass off for 25 years. For THIS?!? It's gotta be a joke! Part 1.

Hi Elena,

I wonder if you could help me with this “there's no me” stuff, please?  I've been following the blogs on Ruthless Truth's blogroll for some time now, and everything rings true — except, I can't see it, I feel I'm stuck.
When I look for a self I never find anything, and never has.  For at least two decades I've been avoiding social contact because I felt it was dishonest to pretend I was there when in reality I wasn't, so I would isolate myself until such times that I felt I could muster an I to present.  This probably sounds like crap, but do you follow me?

When I say I'm stuck it's because I seem to understand all this at least conceptually, and I also cannot find any self when i look for one.  However, somehow I still think I exist, and I can't seem to get through that barrier.

Do you have time to help me?


You can't find something that does not exist. Agree? Can you find unicorn in your room? Do you even go and look for it when I ask you?

So why you are still looking for self and do not look for unicorn in the room?


I cannot see myself, no matter what direction I look in, but it seems there's an implicit assumption that I must be somewhere — if not, who else is experiencing all this?  When I investigate that assumption I find that “I” can be anything, so to speak.  I look and find a tension in my throat or abdomen.  Before I looked I thought it was me.  After I look I find it's just a tension or a sensation (e.g. the feeling of my bottom sitting on the chair).  Or even a sound outside the house. When I don't check the assumption I think the sound is me, after I check I see that it's just a sound.

It's like “it” will find anything — a sound, a sensation, a thought — and claim ownership, say “it's me”.  When I look at it to see if it's true it “dissolves” or “evaporates”, but it will just find something else to attach itself to.  It sems like an endless chain of events: every time it is revealed that it/his is not me it will just jump to something else, and it seems I'm too lazy or tired to keep following it.

I guess I'm stuck here…


You stuck only in the thought that it can't be it, can't be simple than that. You do not trust experience. You are looking for some improvements in your life. Guess what? There was never you. Always Life lifing. You saw - yep, no me, just a label. What's there? Life lifing. What changed for Life? nothing. Just another experience. The quicker you catch up with that, the quicker Life will live without resistance generating by the tension of still looking.

And stop being weird. Go outside, walk and look around how Life is lifing and don't need any manager. Go and walk and look with 2 of your physical eyes, look with wonder, like a kid.

And write what you found. Precise, no fluff.


Ok, here's what I found out:

When I walk outside there's a field of view.  Objects — be it humans, dogs, trees, cars, … — appear into and disappear from this field of view.  This field of view appears in a bigger “view” or space that contains everything that can be sensed: sight, hearing, sensations, smells, tastes, thoughts (text or picture), feelings.  Everything seem to appear from “out of the blue” in this space — much like a car that suddenly emerge into dayligt from an unlit tunnel — and they also dissolve back into this space after some time.

In this big space I find no trace of myself.  However, there's a very strong tendency to either put the label “me” on some of these objects or to think that I am the source of these objects.  Bodily sensations mostly belong to the first type (e.g., the sensations of my feet as I walk on the pavement) whereas e.g. thoughts mostly belong to the second type.
When I came back home I watched a movie and tried to find out who is watching.  There's definitely sight/seeing, but when I look for the seer I cannot find him.  The same with music: There's definitely hearing, but I cannot locate a hearer.  It just seems to happen.  But at the same time there's a pervasive “There must be a seer/hearer, keep looking!” — not in words, not in pictures, more like a very strong assumption with an implicit “You shouldn't even challenge this!” attached.  It must be a thought since it's in the mind, so to speak, but it doesn't quite look like the usual thoughts.

Eating a Wasa cracker with butter and cheese is such a pleasant experience:  The sound of chewing the crisp bread, the feeling of the soft and cold cheese against the lips and the palate.  The slight burnt taste of the cracker and the, well, cheesy taste of cheese.  I can find no smeller, taster, etc. is this experience. If I have to be honest I have to say that it is just happening. But there's a very, very strong tendency to slap a “me” label on the whole thing.  It's utterly confusing.  The intellect says it's the same as saying “I can clearly see there's no unicorn in this room, but keep looking — there's gotta be one somewhere!”, still it's like the thought is struggling with reality.  How can I get out of this?


Jesus Christ, K. There is no fucking you, no. it is just a label to the experience. You either see it or not.

Is there any you in the reality in any shape or form?

answer me.


No, there is no me in reality in any shape or form.

There is the whole world, and there are thoughts and feelings, but I am nowhere to be found.  If anything, the label “I” is slapped on every goddamn thing there is — be it a sensation, a thought or an emotion — but I as an entity is non-existent.


I want to ask you what changed since we spoke. Seems like you got the simplicity of it. No expectations anymore. Good. Liberation is simple. Illusion is complicated.



Nothing has changed, except . . . I realized I would be lying if I told you there was an I, and you wanted the truth.

But Elena, this can't be it, can it?  Please don't tell me that THIS is what I've been looking for!?!  I have a whole library with books that claim to be able to get me enlightened (what a shitty word!), and I've been meditating my ass off for 25 years.  For THIS?!?  It's gotta be a joke!  I don't know whether I should laugh or cry.  LOL! If anything, those books have kept me unenlightened!  And instead of meditating I could've taken a nap.  I've unwittingly deprived myself from sleep for 25 years because I wanted to wake up.  Dammit.  Do I feel really stupid now?

I want to fuck Jeff Foster!  He looks like such a sweet guy, and I absolutely adore his English accent, and I'm sure he'll be good at telling bed time stories — or he could be a stand-up comedian (oh, I forgot, he already is!).

I want to fuck Adyashanti, too.  Mostly for taking such a stupid name, but also for his calm and sweet voice.  You could think he has developed those manners just to seduce people.

Ok, so I probably won't go and fuck them, I just needed to vent my frustration/anger/wtf…  No need for anyone out there to feel unsafe, I'm perfectly harmless, hehe.

Although I don't understand why Jed McKenna had to write 3 fucking books about this, I now understand why he wrote “THIS is NOT what you want!”.  He's right, this is NOT what I've been looking for, and for the past 25 years I've also been walking in the wrong direction — blindfolded!  Jesus!  Nothing has changed, it's always been like this, and I've been trying to prevent it, been jumping through hoops to avoid it.  I've been scared like hell.  For what?  For THIS?!?! Now I understand “the gateless gate”.  I've been walking for 25 years to reach that fucking gate, and now that I turn around I see that there has never been any gate to reach — and much less to go through.


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Self Is a Fiction.

DS July 25 at 8:57pm
Am done.
The "self" mirage disappeared late Sunday morning.

Enjoyed your blog. Been meditating daily for over 10 years. On your blog saw reference to the Ruthless Truth. Read more than 200 pages of dialogues. Before getting up from the chair, it was over. No me. Nothing to refer to. How could it be so freaking plain ??? There it was.

Had no sense of how many worries occupied the mind daily until they had vanished. It's hilarious. No one here to laugh - laughter happens anyway. Biggest sensation at that first moment - incredulity.

Am emptying the bookshelves of many Buddhist and other "spiritual " books. The current day brings a feeling of almost recklessness under the necessary social conventions, which no longer bind through fear of consequence.

Good thing the body knows how to drive, walk, open doors, etc. It's doing just fine with no watcher inside.

My voice has become suddenly much stronger and more open - suspecting a relaxation of the throat muscles which has not been mentioned .

Just wanted to say thanks.

Elena July 25 at 9:28pm
DS! I saw you always supported my posts, and I was curious who is this guy!:) I am so happy for you, so happy. Yes, this is amazingly simple - laughter and disbelief happens when the key finally fit the lock and you turn, and see there is no friking gate, never was - it's gateless!!! hahahaha. I am so happy for you. I am excited!

Do you mind I will ask you couple of questions just to confirm, ok? Can you look at your experience right now and distill me exactly what the self is? From your experience now.

Do you live your life?

DS July 25 at 11:42pm
No one lives this life. The body gets up in the morning and takes care of it all. Memory is here, but the feeling of self-reference is missing at the emotional and psychological level. Example: Staring at another human only is limited by social convention - there is not feeling of interior discomfort or self-consciousness.

Do you exist?

DS July 25 at 11:47pm
Do I exist ? Ha ! No "me" is necessary for existence. That's so simple it would be embarrassing, except that there is no one here to be embarrassed. It's the fictional "me" that was seen to be written over what is actually happening.

What is self?
DS July 25 at 11:49pm
The self is a fiction.

Elena July 25 at 11:54pm
Perfect. clear. Gosh, you did it, DS. OMG. Love you.
What was the most instrumental in your seeing? 
DS: What was instrumental? Ciaran used the metaphor of the video / causality, where we imagine ourselves as separate from the video through the addition of causality, but we're not - we are part of the video as much as any other part. It's an imagined separation.
DS July 25 at 11:56pm
For most of this life until Sunday morning, "I" felt that "I" was this guy who had certain qualities, a past, a future, etc. I knew this was not real from watching the open awareness of the mind in meditation, etc. But I still felt it that the me was real. I was afraid for me. I worried about me. I felt bad about me. I resented people saying unkind things about the me. There has been a shift. Worry vanished. The me is no longer an object of great concern.
Elena July 25 at 11:59pm
And I am so happy Yay!!! You know, we are making a book with all women's liberations. It would be awesome - so many people will benefit! Even though there are no others, as we saw it, but there is this movement in consciousness that plays itself out as separate entity until it's no more:) And there is a movement that "seemingly" guides:) Hehe. all play, all fiction on the level of appearances, and all is divine breath.
Elena July 26 at 12:05am
My husband woke up when he read ciaran's "First pure liberation" thread. Somebody just woke up by reading my blog too... It's amazing it can work this way! Perfect. I will let Ciaran know! Thank you very much! ♥
DS July 26 at 12:05am
Many thanks for your kindness and the love you extend to everyone by inviting them to work with you.

Elena July 26 at 12:06am
I am happy, happy, happy! Good night, my friend!
DS July 26 at 12:06am

Monday, July 25, 2011

There's Simple Looking. What do I find? There's no Me.

AK July 15 at 12:26pm
I am waking up and have been for a couple years. i get the sense u walk people through the illusion somehow. i want that more than anything. help!
Elena July 15 at 12:41pm
What is "I" for you?
AK July 15 at 12:46pm
when i look its like a vague sense of being a me
AK July 15 at 12:55pm
i move my head when i move it and i stop it when i stop it. right now i move my head left then right then stop. maybe a thought arises and tells the head to move but it still feels like the thought arises as a response to my intention or my will or my order or something like that.
AK July 15 at 1:24pm
i ask what is holding me back? im terrified of the void. terrified of the truth. terrified of suffering upon contact witht the truth. terrified of the phase between seeing through and the new state being established.
Elena July 15 at 2:25pm
Look at the feeling of terror. It is there anyways, you won't hide from it, so invite it closer, look what it is really, look behind the feeling. Look behind the feeling . What is there?
AK July 16 at 7:39am
i think the fear dissolves if i look directly at it, if i stare it down. ive been reading ur blog and i think im getting it (or getting is happening!). if i say "carpet" i can find the thing the word refers to. if i say "chair" same thing. if i say "batman" i can find a bunch of thoughts strung together that represent that batman entity. and if i say "I" same thing. except it also feels like an inward direction. like an arrow pointing towards the center of this side. possibly the center of the body. i still feel a strong sense of being the doer especially if i turn my head left and right. so its moving on its own to further the illusion of doership? or is it actually being manipulated by the "i" thought?
AK July 16 at 7:52am
in other words, is there any relationship at all between the "i" thought and the body?
AK July 16 at 7:53am
wait, or does the "i" thought exist and influence the body and still there is no me?
Elena July 16 at 12:06pm
Fear, terror are just feelings, they intensified when you come closer to see the truth. So just, yes, look right on or behind the fear and see what it is and what is there. Its nothing there - because its a movement in consciousness - not a monster on your back. Feeling arise and pass. Nothing solid, nothing permanent. So you know what to do if it comes back. And if it comes, write to me again.
Elena July 16 at 12:10pm
"I" thought. Does baby in a crib have "I" thought? When opens the eyes and look - can you try to imagine how it is? Is there any 'I" thought pointing inside the body like it points to you now? What is this pointer? Brake up the experience. Look, you saw "I" thought. Then look what it does. Pointing - how do you see it? Is it sensations in the body? Sensations are real, what about the illusive "I"?
Elena July 16 at 12:23pm
The "I" turning the head? The little shit sitting in the head and do the job? You see how it doesn't make sense. The same thing has to sit in the head on a cat or a bee then to navigate the body. You are doing great. Continue to look. Compare what is real and easy to spot and what is imaginary.
Elena July 17 at 1:20am
what's cooking?
AK July 17 at 5:15am
really old tensions in my body started to move. on their way out id say. process speeds up and slows down. it helps whenever i feel angry or upset to stop and try to find the I that is angry. makes me laugh everytime. i dont think ive ever dropped anger this fast in my life (excuse the I and the Me when i write!). still i feel theres more. but this "I" that feels theres more is also an old I. theres discomfort, pain in the body. still some fear about passing through. i try to control it, make it faster, clearer. but then where is this I thats trying to control. and so on. i doubt it. hahaha but even that doubter is nowhere to be found. i dont trust myself to be doing the looking every time. sometimes it feels like im just skimming the surface with all defenses intact. what am i trying to defend? i dont know. fear is there. fear of the unknown. fear of losing control. but then i never really had control did i? there never was a me to have control. some of this is sometimes intellectual sometimes experiential. i don't know. waiting for something to happen. for pain and tension and suffering to disappear. for new being to emerge. for whats there under when the I finally falls away. waiting for a finality or a done or a this is it.
AK July 17 at 5:19am
fear of the truth. what am i afraid of? afraid i will suffer helplessly in the future right after me falls away. which is ridiculously impossible. how would I suffer after the falling away of I? sensations then i guess. im afraid of feelings and thoughts and sensations. if theres no i then i am not afraid. fear of feelings, thoughts and sensations is there. too intellectual but im breathing steadily and my body feels good so i take that to be a sign of release or opening. "my" body. fuck. the body feels good. if i let intensity build i feel braver. ready to explode and die and suffer forever for the sake of truth. feels good. hard to maintain though.
AK July 17 at 6:34am
so when i stop moving, then will the hand to move it moves. part of me is confused. i think im expecting everything the I wants to be different than everything Life is doing. in other words im trying to get it through my head that it is as profound and awesome as thoughts arising to move the hand and hand moves after even as it seems to be the I's attempt at control. does that make sense? its that tricky. in other words, i'll stop and think "right. now ill move my hand to see that I am obviously here." and at the same time Life does move my hand seemingly in response to the I but really not. no wait. life is patterning as an i thought and hand moving thoughts and hand moving and thoughts that say "im the one moving it". that about right? what the fuck. i feel like my brain is frying and i feel a consistent urge to laugh my ass off. which i do. i feel lighter and more intense and happier and freer. or rather these feelings are there. i know theres a "done" to this so im waiting for that. but wheres that I thats waiting? fuck.
AK July 17 at 7:38am
so if there's no "me" then whats this here? is there a point of view? a perspective? a body/mind perspective? i mean there seems to be a center at least around which everything happens. not necessarily a center point like Me feels like, but maybe a bubble-like hereness encasing experience. like a snowglobe including all thats happening here. now its the computer and fingers typing, earlier it was bedroom and ceiling, later it might be kitchen and eating, etc. life living itself from this perspective (which really for all i know is the only perspective that exists!)
AK July 17 at 7:59am
i can find an I that wants to share this with everyone but wants to be the bringer of good news, the liberator, the savior. barf. makes me wanna puke. an I that wants to be included, wants acceptance, praise, appreciation. fucking why? why do I want this crap anyway? so i can what? i hate it. who gives a shit if anybody gets it or doesnt get it or if the world burns or doesnt?! who is it that cares? where is the "me' that has a say in it? that gives a crap? i get caught up. it feels endless at times.
AK July 17 at 9:22am
why am i holding myself back? i think seeing through the illusion will result in a worse life than the one ive had and have now. the end of everything, not just the suffering. i heard before there can be no suffering without a sufferer but there can be happiness without a happiness-er. that kinda comforts me but then i wanna puke cuz that I is still looking for comfort. can i find the I thats looking for or wanting comfort?
AK July 17 at 9:25am
why am i holding myself back? what am i afraid of? again, that the truth is worse than the lie. thats its unsatisfying. that its pointless. nothing. nothingness. but who cares if theres no "I" to fear nothingness, right? i feel that fear of the truth is so old and deep but i feel like its lessening. where is this Me that is afraid of the horrible truth?
AK July 17 at 9:25am
where is this "I" that's afraid of not existing?
AK July 17 at 12:47pm
there is tension in the body - sensations of pressure. there is an I that wants to be rid of the tension. where is it? i look it dissolves. there is an I that wants to be done. where is this I that wants to be done? I look it dissolves. there as an I that thinks it is doing the looking. where is this I that is looking? not there.
Elena July 17 at 12:52pm
Thoughts, feelings, sensations - they are real. They exist. They were, and would not disappear.

You never was, reality were always. You will go away, just like stopping believing in santa at one point, all the reality remains.

So nothing to fear. But still fear is there. Fear is real. It's feeling, a wave in consciousness. Keep looking at the fear. Not even looking, bow to it, seriously. Can you see the grange of creation in this feeling? Its amazing. How consciousness fold itself in the fear to protect itself to see. Why? Just a play. Like play in believing in santa. For sometime. And then the play just ends. Nothing changes in reality.

Anyways, AK. If you want to continue to work with me, I need to laid out some rules so this will be of most benefit to you. I am not interested to make the work. I am interested to make the work done. It means that you are seeing the illusion, get the veil of illusion off, step through the gate.

For that I need your 100% focus on looking. Not floundering around Facebook reading about awareness. It won't help. I need you to be 100% honest with every experience, every thought arising - not taking it as a face value, but really look what it is, breaking into components. For example - if you feel fear - first notice, invite it closer, look behind whats there. Then look at "I" though. Does it attaches itself to the experience constantly? Investigate, Do not trust old beliefs. Be like a scientist. More looking, no reading. You read all these years, enough. Now is time for looking. When we done - do whatever you want. Now - concentrate on looking. What is looking?

Looking is honest look onto reality as it is. How you do it? You check what is real and exist and what is imaginary and installed.

So I need you to tell me if you commit to stay at the gate and focus.
You are doing great, just need you commit even more if you want to cross.
AK July 17 at 12:53pm
there is an I that is uncomfortable about the future. where? no there. neither is the future. I am looking at the screen. I am typing. life throwing out thoughts in response to whatever input there is in terms of what we've been talking about. body responds to these arising thoughts, types these words, understanding arises. i understand. where is the I that understands? restlessness is there. feels like I am restless. where is the I that is restless? not there. there is an I that doesnt believe it can be easy. where? not there. I that doubts even more. where? nowhere. I that thinks its gonna be a while before i'm free. where is that I? not here. laughter arises. there as an I that is buzzing, uncomfortable, untrusting, heavy, afraid, unhappy. deep breaths happen.
Elena July 17 at 12:54pm
here is tension in the body - sensations of pressure. there is an I that wants to be rid of the tension. where is it? i look it dissolves. there is an I that wants to be done. where is this I that wants to be done? I look it dissolves. there as an I that thinks it is doing the looking. where is this I that is looking? not there.

it's just looking

when baby open his eyes - is there "I"?
It's just looking

Is it true?
Elena July 17 at 12:57pm
"there is an I that is uncomfortable about the future. where? no there. neither is the future. I am looking at the screen. I am typing. life throwing out thoughts in response to whatever input there is in terms of what we've been talking about. body responds to these arising thoughts, types these words, understanding arises. i understand. where is the I that understands? restlessness is there. feels like I am restless. where is the I that is restless? not there. there is an I that doesnt believe it can be easy. where? not there. I that doubts even more. where? nowhere. I that thinks its gonna be a while before i'm free. where is that I? not here. laughter arises. there as an I that is buzzing, uncomfortable, untrusting, heavy, afraid, unhappy. deep breaths happen. "


Perfect. Keep looking. Do not trust thought. Look at any though arising and compare it to reality.
AK July 17 at 12:57pm
So I need you to tell me if you commit to stay at the gate and focus. Done deal.
AK July 17 at 12:58pm
I feel its endless. I feel there no way I'll do this. Laughter arises. Tension and pressure in the body starts vibrating. Dissolving probably. Where is the I that feels its endless? Laughter. Where is the I that feels there's no way it'll do this? Deep breaths happen.
AK July 17 at 12:59pm
I wants to be rid of tension in the body faster. where is the I? a thought. dissolves.
Elena July 17 at 1:04pm
If I give you a cup in your hands and you hold it. It's exist, right? So what do you need to do to cup stop be existing? You need to brake it, and it's stop existing as a cup, right?

If I extend my hands to you and say - I have this watermelon in my hands (I just imagine it, and you just imagine it, ok?) So I am giving you this watermelon - take it. You take imaginary watermelon and "hold it" - go ahead - do it - hold imaginary watermelon - huge - in between your hands.

Now I ask you what you should do to get rid of this watermelon in your hands?
AK July 17 at 1:11pm
nothing. just drop the imagination. i try it with I and fear of nothingness arises. where is the I thats afraid of nothingness? not there. there is some association between the tension in the body and the self. it feels like as long as there's tension there's I thought attached to stuff. like the watermelon has a counterpart in the body as tension. where is the I to which all this is happening? laughter
Elena July 17 at 1:16pm
Yes, perfect. Just stop imagining:) And keep looking. Compare reality to imaginary. Is there a boogy man in your room? No - it's imaginary, but the thought of it can bring up a lot of fear. Maybe not in you now, but if you are like 5 y.o and its dark and you have thought of a boogy man in your room. Fear will arise. Fear is real. Boogy man is not. Look at "self". Sensations, feeling, thought of self is real. Self is not.

AK July 17 at 2:50pm
got kinda lost in the world for a bit. where is this I that got lost? breathing. tension sensations in my arms neck back head. like an invisible skeleton of tension inside the body. i want it gone. i want freedom. where is this i that wants tension gone? laughter. wheres the I that wants freedom? breathing. more laughter. sometimes i think i need to sit still till the body releases this tension but its too hard. too restless. so where is this I that thinks its supposed to sit still? laughter. where is this I that is restless? dissolves. other times i feel i just need to keep doing this and the tension will take care of itself in my sleep or as i go through the day or as i sit and write this. where is the I that thinks this other scenario? breathing. dissolves.
AK July 17 at 3:07pm
tension in my neck. my neck? where is that owner of the neck? laughter. im sitting here. where is that I? there is a point here from which attention seems to be emanating. from which looking seems to be emanating. in other words i am not the couch over there. i am inside the body here. i have an assumption that with no I I would have no point of view. but thats not true of a baby. baby has point of view but no me. i am a point of view then? or just point of view is here? i'm bored. no I to be found that is bored. i want to get up and do something else something more fun. no I that wants that. i want a distraction! i want to get up fuck off go play watch a movie smoke a joint! anything but this! its not painful. its just hard. like trying to put out a volcano by sitting on it. my body feels like its going to explode in certain parts and gooey self stuff is gonna pour out. hahaha. i want approval. i want everyone to love me and see how awesome i am. and i want them to be my slaves if they dont love me. fucking hell. insane laughter. this is awesome. every step i take feels like its not enough. feels like more is necessary. feels like not doing it right. where is the I to all this?
AK July 17 at 3:10pm
whats causing these thoughts? are they just old beliefs stored in the body? energy trapped in the body? is this what all the tension is? is that why it seems to be dissolving the more i breathe and see there's no I in them? whatever. who gives a crap. there is an I that's afraid the amount of tension in the body is directly proportionate to the amount of I thoughts left. where is that I? laughter. there is an I that is afraid of a long future with more of this difficult looking being done here. where is that I? dissolves.
AK July 17 at 3:13pm
i am trying to so the watermelon thing again. wait. wanting to do the watermelon thing just arose. trying to do it is happening. feels like its all a response to my desires or my will. where is that I that feels, desires or wills? breathing.
AK July 17 at 3:15pm
tension in the body keeps taking attention. there is resistance to it. what the fuck is this persistent motherfucker I. i hate it. I hate I. hahahahah. cant i just make myself laugh until the whole thing falls off? where is the I that wants to make itself laugh? fuck. feels like im possessed by all these different I's. who is possessed? no one.
AK July 17 at 3:20pm
feels good to invite the tension closer. to welcome it and even ask it to stay if it wants to. to bow down to it like u said. i can find a manipulative little I that wants to use that bowing to get rid of the tension! i invite that I to stay if it wants. it helps to remember when u said the pain increases when i am closer to the truth. makes the pain desirable almost. except then the fear of the truth shows up again. fear of nothingness. fear of other entity - life, reality, god, void, black hole, emptiness, etc. to whom the fear? i feel like i am being run over by a truck. to whom this feeling? no one. it feels like i am typing. my fingers' movement feels like its a response to something i am doing. or maybe again thoughts arise, influence the body to move, no me.
Elena July 17 at 3:20pm
there is no you. no. never being. look. Only idea, label. Nothing to loose. Keep looking at the "I" thought how it attaches like a leech to everything in the reality. Grabs. Make an owner. Life don't need a manager, no ownership. Life patterning as various bodies, beliefs, thoughts, movements - everything is Life. There is no you. Look.
Elena July 17 at 3:22pm
Look around - life lifing. No need for the label, for ownership.

Is there you in any shape or form in the reality?
AK July 17 at 3:23pm
cant find a me. but if i stop looking it latches on again. i want to just drop it. its too hard to pick every thought that arises. i definitely feel shifts and tension falling in the body but i am trying to do the watermelon thing.
AK July 17 at 3:26pm
i want to stop so bad. want to just go do something else and let this deal with itself or wait till i have more willingness. where is that i that wants to stop? laughter. where is the i that wants more willingness? dissolves.
Elena July 17 at 3:28pm
You go outside and walk. Walk, ok? Just walk and look around. Plainly, just regular, with fresh eyes. Simple looking, physical, no trying to solve anything. Just walking. You must do it now. Go.
AK July 17 at 3:29pm
ok. thanks.
Elena July 17 at 11:57pm
there is no you.
is it true?
AK July 18 at 7:34am
am looking. slept a lot and kept waking up and looking for I. it dissolved. tension in body is less. but still there. there's more looking i think. where's the I that thinks there's more looking? can find it. i have to go do stuff outside so i wont be near the computer for a few hours but ill keep looking. thank you, Elena.
Elena July 18 at 12:09pm
Yes, do what you have to do, when you have a chance, write.

and yep, not possible to find what does not exist in reality. You can look until you blue in the face, won't find it. Why? Ask. Shut up and listen for the answer why. Tell me what you've got.

Is there you in any shape or form in the reality? Need you to answer me this precise in length.
AK July 18 at 12:58pm
when i am not looking, I is there again however unconsciously. in other words believing that there is a Me is largely an unconscious process. if i am not looking its there but i only notice it was there when i stop and look and remember what the experience was like a few minutes ago. which i guess doesn't prove it because its more honest to say I don't actually know what was going on when it was going on because i wasn't looking to see. when i stop to look all i have is a memory and an assumption based on that memory. so i cant even know for sure what was going on. no proof that a Me was there. memory is not a reliable source for proof. so now where is this I that is figuring out all this? dissolves. feel heavier and kind of unhappy. where is that unhappy I? breathing.
AK July 18 at 1:08pm
is there a Me in any shape or form in reality? no. when I look, what feels like Me is almost an invisible mask that looks like the body's face appearing in front of my head. if i look closely it disappears. hides almost. so who's doing the looking for a Me? feels like I'm doing it. if i look closer i cant prove it. who wants to prove it? wanting to prove it is another thought with accompanying emotion. no owner of it that i can an find. tension in the body starts to move. feels like my tension. feels like i want to be free of it. where is this I to which the tension belongs? feels like I is the body+sensations+thoughts+memories+a familiar sense of being what I've always been. but really is there an owner to these things that I can find the same way i can find these things? no. still feels like there's some familiarity here. so familiarity is familiarity. it isn't me. its a feeling of familiarity. where is the me that feels familiar? feels like an invisible mask that is super close to my face, closer than anything else. whose face? cant find a Me that owns the face. if i think of my cat there is no sense of ownership there. no Meness or I-ness or My-ness. Just cat cating. baby babying. table tabling. feels too intellectual. is there a Me in the reality right now? just a vague sense of here-ness or this-ness. but thats just that right? a sense of here-ness or this-ness. where is the Me even in the Here-ness or this-ness? i can find a thought that says "of course I'm here." but thats just a thought. the word "phone" points to the telephone object, what does the word "I" point to? feels like it points to this side, inwards, inwards plus body plus thoughts plus sensations plus ability to get up and go to the bathroom. so there is an inward sense, a body, thoughts, sensations, ability to go the bathroom. but is there a Me?
AK July 18 at 1:19pm
i think i have an expectation that all of a sudden i will see the body begin to move on its own and all that will be left of me is an observer or a process of observation. i think i am expecting a split between life and an observer or something weird like that. so where is the I that is expecting? cant find it. feels like the I, even if its a thought, is using the body to type this. fuck this is hard. i think when action is happening is where i get the strongest sense of Me doing it. if i talk and say something smart i feel a feeling of approval. and it sure feels like i am the one doing it. i am the one with all the memories and ideas and concepts that can pull out from these and spin new stories and new words and new ideas and new ways of communicating. everything feels so familiar. maybe i am thinking its supposed to feel alien when i realize there is no I. where is this I that's trying to figure this all out? no there. breathing. why am i expecting anything to feel different if this I never did exist before. its not like it was there so things felt a certain way and now it'll go so things will feel a different way. it never was, right? which means life was living itself and thinking itself an I. so even the I story, the suffering caused by I, seeing through the I are all Life living itself. even the I thought, even the I sense, even the I confusion, even the asking what is this I? even the answers to that question, the seeing , the not seeing are all life patterning, right? ALL of it. no one thinking itself I or seeing through the I. all of it was and always will be life living itself, believing there is an I, seeing there is no I, living life after, making sense of it intellectually, the looking itself, the waiting for results, the noticing difference, the frustration, the fear, the understanding, ALL of it life living itself. and the me that i thought i was also was life living itself. and the Me asking where is this Me asking, is life living itself. i feel everything kind of melting into this Life Living Itself thing. but it still feels intellectual. there is fear of getting caught up in I again. whose fear? life's fear. no one here to worry about it. even if worry arises. who is worried? life living itself, appearing as worry. obviously i am not making worry appear nor can i stop it nor can i make it go away. where is this I that is thinking its not making worry appear? tension falling. breathing. amusement. waiting. who is waiting Me or life? i am not doing the waiting. waiting is there. i noticed it was there after it was already there. who noticed? cant find a doer. noticing happened maybe? i feel like i am lying to myself. maybe i am expecting a sureness that its over? who is expecting? hahaha
AK July 18 at 2:29pm
part of me feels there is no getting rid of this I. if there is no me how can i get rid of it?
Elena July 18 at 2:30pm
exactly. You can't get rid of what does not exist.

Elena July 18 at 2:32pm
AK July 18 at 2:50pm
hahaha yeh agree. what's now?
Elena July 18 at 3:29pm
Being observer is intermediate between being completely asleep and awake. You can now drop observer. No need for observer any more. For seeing the illusion it's necessary to look. You looked. You saw - nobody there. You tried hard to get rid - nope, nobody there, nothing to get rid off. Only belief of "I" as an owner, as a collector of as you said, body/feelings/sensations/thoughts. Do we need to carry the collector? Nah. Self was never there. That was just an illusion. But life was living itself anyways, in a perfect order. So what will be with life now when "self" is seeing? Nothing much. Life will continue, and by the way, never stopped, when this looking was taken place - life was patterning as looking:) Tensions, emotions and other shit accumulated in the body through the years of contracting into the separate "I" will start to dissolve. Slowly. No identification - with anything - big or small - get's you free. Freedom to allow life to live as you. free. What is now? Wonder of creation. No more looking. Just living, playing, eating, walking - whatever it is - just simply be.

Anything comes up - you know what to do - do not run, invite, almost pet, and ask "Why are you here?" And listen. Listen to the wisdom, perfectly tailored for your embodiment. Nothing is personal, so there is freedom in inviting anything. Right?
AK July 18 at 3:36pm
hahahah thank u so much. this is fucking hilarious. what the hell! yeah i read ur blog. been reading it every day. if u end up posting my shit use initial A. but what about the empty space part? isn't there a Done to all this? i mean other than the seeing. isn't there an end to the contending and inviting and asking why and all that? wait. who cares. no me. life will do its business. if i suffer i stop to see where i am believing a me. thank u again. 
Elena July 18 at 3:51pm
hahaha. yea, it's hilarious. I was like "what the fuck?" why all this fuss???!! This is why they call is cosmic joke. Best explanation!

Empty space - the void?

You will find it out for yourself. It will be reveling itself. Took me some while. I am too, very emotional embodiment:)
AK July 18 at 3:57pm
fear of the void came up. invited it closer. laughter. thank u so much for the "invite it closer, bow at its feet, pet it" thing. fucking awesome. feels so good, so humble, like a little child walking into a dark room holding its father's hand, trusting him, or something like that. fucking hell. they should teach that shit to toddlers! not accept, not love it, not allow it, not even welcome it... invite it closer! u r awesome, Elena.
Elena July 18 at 3:59pm
Love you!♥
AK July 18 at 3:59pm
love you so much!
Elena July 18 at 4:00pm
It's love just reveling itself - you see - this is falling into the void. It's not that bad :)
AK July 18 at 4:01pm
can find traces of thrill and excitement and fear but its okay. i invite them closer. i feel like i could sit here for hours and just invite everything closer!
void is a shitty scary word i fucking hate it. life living itself hating itself. hahahaha thank u thank u thank u!
Elena July 19 at 11:55am
much love. all is love, seriously. no kidding.
AK July 19 at 11:57am
yes please!

AK July 19 at 9:51pm
there is still stuff coming up. tendencies and habit thoughts so i am staying with it but the joy bubbles up at times and the laughter. and if i get away from the difficulty of the looking i feel light and happy and less fear. still seems to be some tension in the face, neck, back, legs, but the more i look, the more i welcome any fear that comes up the more the tension dissolves. like i told u b4 feels like whatever is left is represented by the tension in the body.
Elena July 19 at 9:58pm
Ah, staff! Staff was so huge in my case, I thought I would go crazeeeee! But I trusted and let it pass. Yea, let it pass, let it pass. The body/mind will unfold it's tension pockets slowly or rapidly - depends on the embodiment. It always was a lot of intensity here, seems there too?:)) I thought this would never stop, and then one day it just was gone! I still experience emotions, but they more experiences as a sensations in the body - like burning, heat, they do not fool me anymore. It's like I am transparent now. hehe. It's difficult to describe, but what you do is right - just continue to do it until you don't anymore.

Much love. Write always.

AK to Ben S:
There's simple looking. The way you only need to glance around the room to see there's no blue elephant there. In the same way I look for a Me. What do I find? There's no Me. So who cares. Whatever drove before continues to drive. Where? Who cares. 

Hey, AK! Since it's already more then a week pass since we worked, and you looked around in the middle of life, let me ask you some questions, ok?

Elena: Do you exist?

AK: no me. the body/mind exists with sometimes persistent sometimes nonexistent thought of I, along with emotional and sensational arisings. there are moments when im not looking when it feels like the whole thing is lumped as one thing, but it feels easier to operate like that sometimes.

Elena: Explain how is there is no you

AK: there are urges and habits and conditionings in the body/mind that seem to be connected to energies all around in the universe and these play themselves out together on a much subtler level than what appears. in other words if the thought "im hungry" arises and is said, its because of many chemical/biological processes in the body. there is awesome, intelligent, magical life patterning as this.there is no me but there is a biological robot that can imagine itself to be separate from all that is, and from this perspective of distance conceive of and enjoy all that is. 

Elena: What is "I"? 
AK: I is an imagination (a force of nature that claims to own everything and is believed or not believed)

Elena: Anybody is living life?

AK: no there's nobody living life. obviously. if anything were there would be something other than life and that's not possible. so freaking obvious. other than life where?? outside the edge of the universe? silly..