Saturday, December 15, 2018

Organic maturation in awakening

I am noticing how at peace I am with myself, even in the middle of some stormy circumstances, I am calm. This is not the calm out of detachment "there is no me", "me is an illusion", this is calm of the beingness, it feels like my heart is at peace, my body is relaxed, my mind is calm. I have been patiently waiting for it, I knew there is no way to make it happen, other then live and let it all settle by itself. The big changes in me in the last several years really visible to the naked eye: I am not in the conforming character anymore, I live and walk my talk.

I do not need to protect any image of being somebody, or being beyond being somebody, or an image of transcendent somebody. I am grateful to life to see this fairy early in my years (relatively) after waking up, that negate the human, the character/the roles we play, adopt the concept as world as an illusion, while energetically still participating in it until the death of the physical form, will only be fooling myself. It will be giving green light to the clever and adaptive mind to create another illusion of no me, but basically just another identity. I do not see that living in this very character needs to be changed on living in "no character", for me for sure it doesn't make sense. I know it, because I did live it for first couple of years, and I somehow I knew that this was not the truth.

This world is an illusion, yes, the form, the name does not exist, its a fractal, a holographic image in the space of consciousness, the closest metaphor I can find at the moment. I had a direct and profound experience of it, this is why I am where I am now in my being. I had been re-worked from "head to toes" :) And also though continues inquiry through the years I discovered that my mind naturally inclined to Revelation beyond the physical world. My mind also is inclined to sensing the physicality continually, so it mostly always present to what is happening. Between these two my life turns, as one wise man said :) Different mind states arise in the field of pure consciousness, and life is happening organically, as it is always is. I am conscious.

But I found that suppression of what's already here and available, and creation of something illusionary in the mind as "no-self", "no character" takes a lot of life force to maintain it. If one lives in the immediacy of being, and feel complete every night when they go to bed, then they fully lived and utilized this very character of theirs to it's full capacity, and there is no need to even doubt it, no need to invalidate it, deny it, or suppress, no need to go beyond it, or transcend it. Do you see how it works? It works naturally.

You do not need to do really anything, but continue to live what's here. You do not need to pretend you are not this person, you just fine to be this person, or this character. The issue arise only when we want to build something else then what it is: build awake image, enlightened persona, something that falls into our idea of us as awake, authority, teacher. Other then that, who the heck cares you think about yourself as a character or "no-character" in daily life? I love to be in a company of awake friends, those who do not deny their humanness, so we just have a good time, without affirming to each other that we are not really selves here.

Though I sort of left non-duality community, I have written a lot for this community, because I saw many were stuck in a temporary nihilistic zone for too long. Denial and nihilism happens to most, the integration into life as a human for some is really tough endeavor. I will continue to write on the maturation in awakening beyond temporary stations. Since I am denied access to LiberationUnleashed Page, you can find my writings on my blog Complete Humanity.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

What are you here to bring to this world and to learn in this lifetime?

One thing that I learnt living life is that we never know what is actually right for another. I know I am living this last portion of my life to learn courage and by my own example to help others in the same. If you suggest me to sit back, walk away quietly, do some inner inquiry instead of standing up, you do not understand that this is what I have done all my life. Since early years when this mechanism was developed in a young child to protect her life, I always wend deep into myself. Later in life I would go deep with inquiry.

I can't afford this anymore, this method will take my life, I have been there before. I have to stand up. It's not natural for me to stand up, its not easy, it is very uncomfortable, and my body doesn't like it, but it does like it more then not to speak up. It appreciates there is movement of energy out instead of all directed in. Said that, my main work is done, I found what I was seeking all my life, I do not need to pretend to be more spiritual, or more light, or more awake. I know who I am and what limitations I am against in this body and mind, and I am fine to work within certain parameters of these limitations.

Find out what your main theme of this lifetime, what you were born to bring to the world, what to learn, how to move correctly for yourself. This will be such a relief for you that you can be yourself without judgment. That you don't have to follow any homogenized expectations how you should be, live, and behave. If you here to plant kindness, do it, but do not expect that planting kindness is my job here, though I am generally carry kindness in my being, I am planting courage this lifetime, and surely this will sometimes look maybe too abrasive, but for me, just right.

How do I know? You ever tried something that everyone says is good, only arrived to the lifeless space, ready to die, because the organism have no energy to continue life? I did. I tried to be desire-less, emotionless, impartial witness, and I actually tried all kinds of states that did not really work, because the next step would be a grave. We do not need to be anything other then us feeling complete at the moment, if sitting back is complete for you, you are at peace and harmony, then it is healthy, but if sitting back means listening to fears, brush them off and stand up. If anyone tell you to better sit, you explain them that standing up is more healthy for you. They might understand or not, please walk your own path to completeness. It is not the same for everybody.

The spirit animates these bodies to do different work in the world, find and respect your own work. We are one Consciousness that come forth in all these forms. Sometimes they collide, it does only mean that it's all alive, and we only can aim to do the correct work.

If you moved to help me:
Elena's GoFundMe page

Monday, December 10, 2018

What's awakening by the way?

A friend:  What's awakening by the way?


  1. 1.
    an act of waking from sleep.
  2. 2.
    an act or moment of becoming suddenly aware of something.
I will try to explain, I did it many times, but every time I find a little different facet, so I am happy to do it again and again! Awakening word is used with different meaning, just like "god" and "love" words, it means different things for different people. In dictionary its defined as "waking up from the sleep", and this would be true what I am talking about all along. It is a profound change in perception of reality. Just like in a sleep at night you might be the character in a sleep, and many characters, but then you wake up and perception of who you are changed in the morning, and all the roles you played in a dream seen as illusionary. So the same in this walking state you see yourself as a separate being, a character, carry different roles, but who you are is not really this character. When you wake up it is clearly seen who you really are, without any doubt (but instead of waking up from the night dream, it is a Revelation in the middle of the walking state, in the middle of this life). You can't really explain to the character in the night dream who the real dreamer is, so is in this life human mind can't understand beyond itself, it is only possible to experience yourself when the dream ends. It does happen when the physical body dies, but also it does happen in the Revelation (Waking Up experience), which many sages called "Die before you die". BEING AWAKE is to live this knowing which awakening experience revealed. Mostly in life it experienced as being present moment to moment to the experience without judgment. This has nothing to do with effort to be present, it's embodied Presence itself. It also might be experienced as mindfulness moment to moment, same here, without effort to be mindful, it's clear knowing of each moment as a projection of the Mind itself. These different ways of living awake depends on the natural inclination/design of the mind/body organism, more physical/somatic based, or more mind/knowing based. I know its a lot to contemplate, mind loves to engage in contemplation, and this is very potent food for it. Contemplation and inquiry are two vehicles that help to settle the mind on finding the truth of who we are, so is meditation, focusing, silencing the mind, growing awareness while reducing unconscious thinking. Please read my other essays on this blog regarding awakening.
We are not getting older (some personal experiences, some different faucets of talking about awakening and who we are):

In Humane and Transcendent simultaneously:

Thursday, November 29, 2018

I am here, open to hear your story

There are those people, who went through different experiences of  awakening, various types of disillusionments, or spontaneous kundalini rising not in a perfect way, who are in the middle of recognizing themselves and shedding the old life in the intense way. They instinctively hide from the world that does not understand and does not SEE them. They hide their inadequacies, their true face is hidden under the old face, a survival mask, that can't even stick well anymore. They are on a brink of going sideways, from tremendous pressure of the energies cursing through the organism and no proper outlets to ground and integrate that power. The world and their old circle see them as weird, fallen, broken, crazy, ill, improper. They are asked to get their act together, be normal, conform, accept they are wrong, be like everyone else. They themselves doubt the experience they lived, trying to awaken "more", only holding themselves in a prison of the misleading mind, while their life and vitality is deteriorating.

I was given a life to find the ways out of the energetic, psychological, mental mess of the remains of the old personality, and I was given a gift to be able to have clear insight and to be able to talk about it in simple ways, and I was given courage to just be myself in all my inadequacies and not to hide them behind the ideal teacher persona.  I was given the wisdom to see the uniqueness of this life that is coming forth through each set of eyes, and I was given a chance to feel love for the life itself. I was given this natural ability of seeing possibilities in each human being and their unique life trajectory. And since I was one of those who bounced around between new and old for some long time, I have natural affinity to  help these very friends. If you need help, you always can write to me. I will write to you in a form of an essay on my blog. It might be not one essay, but more, until you feel a relief, until you feel the movement. This is how I work with some people who contact me, and it proven to work wondrous. Besides, it does help other people who read my blog. Please stay warm in upcoming winter times. Sending you  much love ❤️

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

What happens in the experience of Awakening, and what is Impermanence. How these two co-exist? Raw provocative essay.

I didn't become pain-less, emotion-less, vulnerability-less
after Awakening, 
if anything, I became more open 
to pain, emotion and vulnerabilities, without hiding.

What I can assure you that the commentary from the mind 
about pain, emotion and vulnerabilities does fade away with time.
Because there is more open space for emotion and pain to be,
mind's suggestions get less and less laud with time.

The suggestions like: "Why this is happening with me",
"You are not worthy", "This is not going to be good", "You shouldn't do, be, talk, walk, live like that", "You will fail", "You are too old, young, too tall, too short, too skinny, too fat", "You do not have what it takes", and hundreds of similar suggestions that mind gives from his file storage, fade away, they really do.

This is the most visible, beneficial, life-giving change that anyone can experience after awakening.  With time.
I do not want to miss-lead here, and tell you that it does happen the next day you wake up.  Though yes, there will be some changes in the brain immediately, for sure.  The event of Awakening is one of the most profound events that can happen to a human being, and it surely re-align the human in one strike of the Grace.

I want you to understand also that everything in nature is in the place of equilibrium, and if that equilibrium was broken, it will take time for the organism to find a new equilibrium within it's systems.
I saw how re-calibration of mind goes in cycles (without any suggestion to the order): peace, bliss, upheaval, suffering, great suffering, peace, bliss, and so on, for years.

Did you ever meet people who right after awakening claimed they were in peace and bliss, and this is what they expected to be to the rest of this life? I did. I never believed it. Because I learnt on my own life, my own existence in this body, what impermanence is.  The only permanent while we are in this form, is impermanence.  And understanding impermanence deeply does help to understand life, with the mind awake or not.

Then what is that many teachers talking about that is not changeable, and we are THAT?  In the experience of awakening this very unchangeable nature of us comes forth suddenly, without doubt it is seen at that moment that I am not separate from anything else, I am not the body-mind organism, I am not the thinking mind, I do not exist as anything that I thought I am.  I just AM. I am not something, not somebody, I am not any characteristics, I simply exist as existence itself.  Little i as somebody does not exist, what only exist is I AM, Consciousness, God.

Even if you never had your mind blown up to such an opening, you might understand how big this event is.  It also lasts from a split second to hours and days.  Depends on many variables, and in some way, on a duration, for sure, the changes in the organism can be tremendous.  This is an atomic bomb to all that one lived so far, and to what one was identified so far.  Everything is detonated at that moment.  The broken pieces of the personality, the dust of all the knowledge about yourself - this is what one experience in the Awakening.

The post-awakening depends on "what is in the air": how strong the detonation was, how broken the personality is, did it re-arranged into something else at the moment of experience, or it is hanging loose, and many many many factors.  Many.  I am not a supercomputer to calculate the trajectory of the re-aligning of the personality for continuation of life until the death of the body.

The organism will try to come to homeostasis, where there is a certain equilibrium, and this is not one shot deal.  There will be all kinds of life events to support and make it happen.  They might not necessarily be easy and blissful, please do not believe those who claim such nonsense.  Maybe they are in a cycle of bliss at the moment, but wait couple of months, years, and you won't hear them anymore, they will hide from speaking publicly what they actually living.  Until the next round of bliss.

Do not believe also those who focused on suffering, because this is also limited perspective.  Give this one couple of years to go through a Dark Night of the Soul that usually follow the Awakening, or precedes it.

Believe nothing anyone says how you should live and be, because your experience surely will be unique and different, just live what is true and present for you, do not get lost in someone's limited perception at the certain point in time.  Trust that the necessary knowing is always available in a form of a teacher, a friend, life event, circumstances, and this is the only lifeline that can be trusted: your own life in this human reality of impermanence.

The pain will be here to experience, and so are emotions, and vulnerabilities. Unless the body has been shed, we are here to live in the reality of impermanence, but in the knowing of who we are beyond the personality.  Like the rotating stage set in the theatre, and we are in the set in this personality and it's roles to play.  It does not mean we are them, but aren't we are great professionals, that in the middle of the scene we are so involved in a role, we become it!?

Anyone who lives engaged in the world and claims they are beyond personality, they are just great actors in the role that plays just that.  They know their lines perfectly, and their play is so flawless, they themselves lost in that role of someone who is beyond personality, but everyone around watching the scene knows that this teacher is on the stage, in a set.

"If you see name and form, you are in a dream", said one wise man.  Experiences of pure consciousness are not the one we live in, operating as human beings.  Mind has an amazing capacity to expand to limitlessness and contract to the limitation.  At any particular moment mind is in a certain state, it can be expanded beyond personality, or focused into personality.  This is a play of Impermanence.

Those who know God, and do not make distinction and evaluation of what is a better state to live, those who live what is here at the moment, and act from the best part of themselves available, they are the awake and the noble ones.  Anyone striving for awakening will benefit by observing them in life, as a living teacher and a friend.

Wednesday, November 21, 2018


I did step into something that is so right for me, it is my lifework, I walk to for 50 years by now. I even did this work, but I myself couldn't accept it as a profession, I regarded it as Dharma service. My mind has a very deep Theravada Buddhism conditioning out of siting numerous ascetic retreats in a past, and doing selfless service for decades. It explained to itself why I can't charge for my work in a spiritual community. I couldn't even ask for donations laud enough so I would be heard in my need...

I could start thinking that my work in a spiritual community is forgotten, invalid, not valued, but I am glad that I didn't go there, I went and enrolled myself into professional coaching program, to get a profession. Well, I had many professions in my life, different identities, but they were not a good fit, this coaching/consultant is! It fits like a glove. Because I do not need to change myself, conform to wear something else that doesn't fit, it's me - the same provocative, seeing possibilities, inspiring, and intuitive mind that was there when I was challenging my buddies in a sandbox when I was 6!

And for my own amusement and appreciation of my life experience I sat down and created a resume. Yep, the last one I did was in 1998 or so! I am going to post it here, because I actually like how it came out. So I moved on to be professional again, with a freshly made current resume!

And the real magic started as soon as I stepped into my new identity as a professional coach and consultant. I experienced dramatic shifts in energy. I have been slowly wilting physically, but it is all turned around on a dime. I am not kidding or exaggerating. I have been waiting for remission for a long time. I knew this will be, no rush, no need to fix anything, this will dawn on this organism, just like the illness dawned on it. So it is happening right now, right in front of my eyes. I feel energised, I feel alive, I feel healthy, quick, and clear in my mind. My body slimmed down in a week without me changing anything. My skin is firming up again, thanks to my body, very frikin resilient! Suddenly my left brain started to work! The lobotomized executive functions of the brain 8 years ago in a profound experience of Awakening, seems like fully restored in a few days!

The only what I did, people, I stepped into my life work fully, I became who I want to be in this life, without any excuses from Theravada. 
I am already a powerful coach, from the kindergarten to this very day, I have been coaching and consulting people for y-e-a-r-s, especially in the last eight years - continually, day after day - and the new skills I am learning in the program I enrolled only highlight and make it easier to use the natural gift of this brilliant mind. If anyone here know Human Design, I am a Mental Projector, a seer, I SEE and tell, in a very PRECISE, and at the same time, SIMPLE way. And this can be POWERFUL, as many of you know. My work is catalytic for transformation. I am thrilled to do it to the rest of my physical life, maybe even on a death bed I will still guide, if I am asked.

I am in awe how physical body heal itself in a way I never saw it's coming. I seriously had doubts that maybe physicality pass the point of no return, but nope, it looks like miracle to me so sudden changes, even in a muscle tone! And the blood test is MUCH better then previous. If you are healthy, you might not get how big deal this is, I was healthy all my life, I don't even get colds. This was so new experience to me: be not well. So I lived that - check! Now I can move on with full remission. Re-Mission -- revisiting your mission in this life. Why you are here, what you are born with to give to the world, what you are here to create, express, to give life to.

So I started another cycle of life - REMISSION. I have so much to say about healing, but I already said the most important piece: Please do what you love as your work, as your profession. Let professional be creative and creative be professional, do not separate the two. Be with someone you love. Live in the place you want to live. This all especially important for anyone who is not well. Healing will happen by itself, if you alined with yourself in the basic human areas of life. Happy Thanksgiving, friends. Give thanks for your unique adventure in this lifetime. Live it fully! 

Want to help me?

My GoFundMe Fundraiser link

Thank you so much! 

Thursday, November 15, 2018

Just be. No rush. Allrigt?

I am here in this lifetime to bring forth a pioneering thought, leave that behind to others to build on, and move on.  Human in me was trying to hold on, because she loved collaborations, she always tried to postpone the unknown by leaning to the familiar.  She also clinged to the insight as it was hers 😂 Anyone here who is not guilty of this tendency in a past, or currently? Exactly, this is very human.  

My journey is not that much different then many, in Awakening, we go through Grace of realization, of de-conditioning,  un-identification, growing and maturing in the insight and clarity, and being.  I am also here as a role model to talk about these things openly, without hiding an elephant behind a holy facade. 

Please be kind to yourself if you still holding on to some identities, unconsciously. This is not a straightaway. one by one conditioned identities will become clear to you, and then you decide if you like to wear them, if they are good fit, or you just had enough of that, and you may leave it at the door.  

This is a journey of a lifetime, and especially be patient the first 7 years after Awakening. This event, or series of events are like collision of tectonic plates on the ocean floor, it will send a tsunami wave through time-space continuum, re-aligning the human,  will set in motion the vastness of the whole being, on all levels.  

Can you see that expecting to be perfectly congruent on all levels right from the birth canal of awakening is a wishful thinking of a little linear mind.  He just can't give up labeling the experience, its just hard for him not to talk, it's how he is, especially in the beginning of the tectonic shift.  

Give it a time, give the mind a time to talk, it will quite down naturally, with time everything will quite down, there will be a new equilibrium in the system, no need to rush, it just doesn't work that way.  

Live the first 7 years without having any expectations, just be you, whoever you are at the moment, be that nondual awareness or a  charachter you identified with temporarily, and anything in between.  Just allow yourself this freedom to be. Doesn't matter whom or what. Just be. No rush. Alright? ❤️

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

What I am doing right now, what helps, and how you can help yourself in more wellbeing, especially if you have any autoimmune condition

Here is some of the practices I am implementing to improve autoimmune condition, I will add more with time, but for now, this is what I was inspired to share today:

Dry brushing

This is for lymphatic massage.  Used in Ayurvedic medicine to move the lymph upwards and improve it’s flow, therefore loose weight associated with stagnant lymph.  It also makes the skin very soft.  I use the sisal brush, but these silk gloves are better to use, since you can do it with two hands at once.  Just google “raw silk gloves for dry massage”.

Pulsed Magnetic Therapy

Portable device you can wear 24/7 is you so desire!!  Safe, very low EMF,  I have GREAT result in terms of internal inflammation with it.  Basically, since I started to use it a month ago, I am pain free.  This is the device that was developed by 
Dr. Robert Dennis someone who was a consultant in NASA 20 years ago when they were developing this technology, and many of his research was actually used and some of it stolen by MLM companies that promote their thousands dollars PEMF mats.  His little device ICES M1 that I am using is around 550$ (look for the coupon in the link bellow that I also used myself) and he is offering more basic device for 300$ (also use 130$ coupon they offer right on their site, or email them for it).  This is vs 4-6 thousand (!) dollars and more of fancy mats that are also run as multi level marketing companies!  

After using this device for sometime and seeing amazing results, I purchased a bigger ring that I sleep on through the night on Shumman frequencies.  I use 10HZ on my head for alpha wave application in the mornings, it helps with brain fog and motivation (which is also one of the side effects of the autoimmune d/o).  I use their Omni 8 protocol for anything else on the body ( improve digestion on the belly, eliminate back pain, use it on the ankles, tucked in my socks at night for joint pain).  Since I am using it, I am not kidding, I became pain free, and my digestion improved dramatically.  I did not change anything really since I am using this device, I only quit coffee that I had 1 cup in the morning.  Everything else is the same, and yet, I have dramatic improvement in my health.  I do not feel pain in my joints, I do not have back pain, no neck pain, no bloating, no indigestion.  I still have much energy running through my head, and I am working on it with applying the PEMF on the thalamus through the back on my head (I tuck it under the headband), or I put it on the top of my head under a tight beanie hat.  I guess, I became one of the bio-hackers that experiment on themselves! :) I always have been experimental, and now I just added this little bio hacking device.  I love this website, I came across it when I was researching how I can help myself to bring physical health into more harmony, and this is where I came across this little PEMF device.  I researched it since then through and through, I probably watched everything available on youtube and read all the comments under the videos and in blogs, and I was so impressed by the creator, how he explains and talk to everybody, so humble, I then bought the device and became a bio-hacker :)

Far-Infra Red Sauna

This I can’t live without! I have been sweating in sauna since childhood.  As a very yong child, a toddler, I lived in Kamchatka, the most Eastern area of Russia, it is on the other side of Barentzev sea from Alaska.  In that area people used to wash in the geysers, then jump into the snow, epic!  My parents would take me with them for this weekly procedure :) Then in Ukraine later in Germany, then in Russia I went weekly to the sauna to sweat and jump into the cold plunge.  When I came to NYC with time I found my way to Russian banya (bath) there. In fact, there are several great Russian bath houses in NYC.  In the last years in New York City I actually give my preference to Korean sauna in Palisades, New Jersey.  I can’t even explain the magnificence of this place that has many different saunas made with different materials: different clays, rock salt, semi-precious stones, as well as solid amethyst and jade sauna, and gold plated pyramid sauna!  As I moved to California I made an extensive research, and bought far-infra red sauna that I actually tried once on raw food festival.  My friend even bough this sauna right on the festival, it was so good!  This is one of the most expensive portable saunas, but I was lucky, and I found it almost new on Craig List for fraction of the cost, I believe I paid 250$ for it, and it was barely used!  If you really really need something, and you put attention to it, it will come into your life in some way or another, keep focusing!  Link to the sauna I own, in case you want one:

Here is what I need now to compliment my sauna treatments. This blue plastic tub my friend told me about. He fill it with cold water and keep it covered, and sit in it for 10 min.  It improved his Crones autoimmune condition dramatically, along with breathing exercises and little yoga.  The method was developed by Wim Hoff, and when I posted on Facebook about my autoimmune journey, three people came forward to recommend this protocol, so I listened.  The tub is better then simply staying under running water for many reasons.  Here in California water is very expensive, I can’t stand 10 min under running water every day, after the regular shower.  I can fill up tub, cover it, and re-use the water for several weeks, just add some antiseptic essential oils or drops.  To submerge one time and stay there is easier then staying under the shower where the temperature of the cold water and air touching the skin is constantly change.  Yo can actually mediate in cold water and do not feel the uncomfortable sensations. If you inclined to help me with this, here is the link to my Amazon Wish list:


Here is what made a big difference for me in terms of how I feel after several hours on my laptop or iPhone:  I read a part of the book Earthing, and it made so much sense to me!  I started again walk barefoot on my backyard and use rubber-free shoes, like cowboy boots I owe for many years, they made solely with natural materials that are conductive.  I bought moccasins made by Native American tribe in Canada that I used all summer in my house, I also walk in it in a forest too.  I bought a grounding mat made with conductive silver material, and I sit on it when I work on my laptop, and sleep on it at night, it’s connected to a grounding outlet, I believe 50$ I paid for the mat, its great quality, re-usable, washable, and it definitely improved how I feel.  Before I would feel almost nauseous after several hours on laptop, since I am using the mat I felt never nauseous or ill after using computer.  If you want this mat, here is a link to it.  I bought a small plush silver pad, it is really enough, but they have large version too. It works also under the sheets too, or on top.  I also sleep on it at night.

I am so grateful for anyone who helped already on my humble Amazon Wish list.  If you want to help, but don't have funds, please help me with your good wishes, intention, vital energy, Reiki, or write me a letter! If I ever in anyway helped you directly, or indirectly, please let me know - I want to know you and how we are connected and how my work touched you, be that Liberation Unleashed work on awakening, or post-awakening inspired writings, essays, blog posts, my personal stories that I shared in intention to reach anyone who needs this information.  Thank you very much! 

Healing is possible now, as I released an underlying cause for it — suppression.  Please read my blog Complete Humanity ( where I describe with utmost precision how it was possible for me to release the most prevalent cognitive fixation of this lifetime.  Not many write about it, and if you are the one who feel that you are living someone else life, or you have constant underlying anxiety, you can’t relax most of the time, you play the role of a “nice person”, you avoid conflict at all cost, and etc…you will be greatly benefited by reading my own journey in discovering and letting go of this fixation.

I know that physicality — the body and the brain — just need more time to re-calibrate to find a new more healthy equilibrium.  Thank you for helping me in this journey, and I am happy to share with you what I found works for me.  In my wish list on Amazon you can find short description to each item, I added it so anyone who come across and feel connected with the item, know what it is for, and might research more about it for themselves.

Want to help me?

My GoFundMe Fundraiser link

Thank you so much! 

Thursday, November 1, 2018

Relationships. Healing old dynamics

It was another gorgeous day here in Big Sur. Beautiful surroundings where the mountains with lush vegetation meet the ocean and nature is so full and vibrant. Everyone feels magic in the air. The word “magic” you say and hear very often here. This is the land of ancient Indian tribes. Ancestors had chosen well the land to live on, and plenty was available. The joy for the eyes and ears, the most fertile land with a fresh source of water, shielded from the wind by the mountains and with the access to the ocean for fishing, surely it was a great choice! This land still till this time, hold its beauty and magic. This is where I met him.

It was already several years after a series of awakening experiences that started a landfall of changes in my life. From having a regular life of a middle-aged woman in New York City (maybe not so regular, but this is for another time), I found myself across the country, in the community called Esalen, working in the kitchen and living in the small room in a trailer that had sort of a hippy or a college dwelling feel. Every day I would walk to my work at 5 am through the forest in a fog, as in a fairytale.

An awakening like an inner revolution, and you really never know where life will take you after. It may be the same town, family, same job, or you will be taken for a ride across the world, meet people you need to meet, and find work that serves the living for the time being. This is how I ended up in Esalen; I was 43.

As we change dramatically at the event of awakening experience and the years following, the way we relate to others and our relationships change dramatically too. As we expand through the experience of awaking into who we are, our choices of relationships also expand. Relationships mirror our state of mind, they are an extension of our own mind, and as the mind transforms, the outer circumstances and relationships we are engaged, transform as well. We leave behind the relationships that do not support the new way of being, and we come across people who match us in the freedom and truth of who we are.

This period of unstable and changing relationships can be very uncomfortable, can evoke fears coming from feeling unknown, insecure, and vulnerable. This is a very good ground for continuing inquiry into a self-image that is constantly created, and especially in relations. We can’t heal the relationships that do not work anymore, but we can heal our mind, showing Him again and again how He creates identities, how He tries to run old programs, trying to engage us in the old dynamics.

I was coming back from work at night, and as I pulled into a driveway, I had to stop my car abruptly. In the headlights, I saw an animal in the air right in front of my eyes. I slammed on the brakes on a very high-grade driveway and kept my foot pressed down, afraid for the car to roll back. I only saw his muscular legs with hooves in the windshield. Probably it was a deer and seems like I saved his life, because right when I thought to take my foot from the breaks, the second animal after he jumped over the driveway, stopped on the side of the road. He turned his head toward me, and in the bright headlights, I saw the wild creature.

I never had an encounter with a big wild animal before, besides seeing them in a zoo. I didn’t even know what it was, it was big, and it was staring at me, and in the light-flooded darkness, his eyes were like two shining lasers. For a second, our eyes met, he paused, It felt as though he was making sure that I was looking into his eyes, then he disappeared into the darkness of the surrounding bushes. The wild, steady eyes, piercing into mine, this is what was with me the days that followed. “Mountain Lion - a strong medicine,” “Healing for the soul,” I was told by people here. A month later, I met him, the Native American Indian man who crossed my path like a mountain lion in a sudden, raw, healing encounter.

It was late afternoon before the sun starting to set down, and I was ready to go to dinner, I opened a door and stepped outside my room. There was a man there doing some painting work on the other rooms in my housing complex. I never saw him there before; it was much unexpected. I didn’t have time to really see him. I only remember I was almost blinded by the light outside, his all-white clothes, and a streak of white hair around his masculine dark face. Our eyes met in sudden intensity. For just a second, he paused, then not saying a single word, he turned his head away and disappeared into one of the rooms. There was a rawness in his eyes, something ancient I knew about already. “Danger,” I said to myself.
When I was a little girl, I learned to be afraid. 

My mom and stepfather were passionate in their relationship, complete with jealousy and loud fights. They were young, just married, and like most other Russian people, they liked parties and vodka. Every time they would go to a party, I knew that when they come back, they would fight. They mostly yelled at each other with drunken jealousy about who looked at whom at the party, but sometimes I would hear some noises in the kitchen that would completely terrify me. I started to hide kitchen knives; I would crawl under the blanket and freeze in fear. One day I remember pledging myself that I would never — ever—live like my parents. This translated into the brain of a little girl into a program to never allow herself to fall in love with any man who was handsome, raw, and passionate like my stepfather was. His ancestors were Kazaki - the courageous warriors, the freedom people of Tzar’s Russia.

From that moment of making this unconscious decision as a little girl, my life took a certain course. All my friends, and later my boyfriends, husbands, were “safe.” They were mostly gentle, intellectual type. There was almost no passion in my relationships from my side; they were rather great friendships, based on good communication and security. Of course, occasionally, I would meet a man who would draw my attention and my being like a magnet, but one look in his direction would be enough to turn on an alarm in my head and execute the old protection mechanism. I would run, I would not engage, and if I do, the program will make sure to break this interest in a week or two, the most. 

And this time was no different, the old program was still there, full force. I quickly got into my car and left. As I was driving, I saw the magic of this land right in front of my eyes: a shimmering double rainbow right above the narrow road and surrounding mountains in the bright pink sunset sky. The sight of it was so magnificent it took my attention for a second from confusion in my head from the encounter. I pulled out and got out of the car.

I was standing on the side of the road, in a long silk skirt, long hair streaming down my back, I was looking at the pink sky crossed by two rainbows, in awe. I still felt his gaze in my bones, I was deeply, cellularly excited, and deeply confused at the same time, though I wasn't consciously aware of it. Suddenly a beat-up white van also pulled in, the man came out from it and came toward me, “Magical sight,” he said, “May I hug you?” and he did before my mind offered his suggestions what to do to keep me safe. I have to say here, since all my life, I ran away from these kinds of encounters, that hug felt like something I never felt. It felt real. It felt life-giving. It felt safe. “Lift me!” I don’t know what made me say that, I wasn't really thinking. It just blurted out, but he didn’t hesitate, and I was floating high in the air in a split of a second.

My body was held tight and secure in the big arms of a strong man. It instantly recognized the visceral sense of being lovingly and securely held, as it was held in my mother’s arms as a baby, or as a toddler, held by my father on his shoulders. I was stunned by the feeling of freedom and safety at the same time. He held me, seemed like for a long time, because I started to feel awkward in the hands of a stranger, and the mind would give some suggestions: “This is enough,” “He is probably tired,” “This is weird,” “I am too heavy,” and I would try to wiggle my body down. He would move his arms just a bit, to shift me back up a couple of inches, and would hold even stronger. He didn’t say a word, and me too, it was as our systems were synchronizing: mine was fighting and yielding at the same time, and his was patiently affirming, and at the end, the realness took over the old pledge of the six years old. The healing began.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

The least what interest me now is transcendence

The least what interest me now is transcendence, or   
any practices or methods that allow to alter the mind 
to present me with a different reality. Why?  
We have absolutely wonderful 2 ways to participate 
as a human: a walking state (we call it during daytime ) and 
a dream state (usually we call it at night time).

Both of these are already altered states of mind -   
total adventure! The attention narrows into the limited perception of the character with it's own attributes,  
sort of like you got into the Halloween costume - 
isn't it already interesting?!  
It doesn't even matter what character it is: handsome or not, 
rich or poor, healthy or ill.  Does it matter when you wear 
on a Halloween a costume of a fairy princess 
or an ugly witch?  Does it make you feel ugly, or it is still interesting?

And at night! Mind is altered in a way that the character 
is not even set in stone that much as during the day,
and the adventure even more fleeting and changing,
you can really see how you can live many lives at once!
So why in the world we want to continue this chemically altered mind trip and that trip, this journey and that one, again and again? What is that you are still seeking?

I asked my partner, he is so down to earth, 
and he altered his state of mind so many times before, 
he is a good one to ask this: "Why people can't stop seeking? What is that they are looking for?" 
"They are seeking permanent bliss", he said, 
"which never can be, but they still hope"
“Perhaps people are seeking more adventure, because
regular life seems boring, they are too focused into the boredom of the character, they miss the mystery of existence",  I offer.

And so I continue to wash the dishes, with almost pleasure,
though I never liked to wash the dishes, but I now find 
that this activity has the same meaning, has the same value,
as anything that I used to prefer as a spiritual seeker.
Look, isn't it a miracle that the water is running,
and the body is moving, and the dishes have different forms?
My mom loved to wash the dishes, and she can't participate 
in this activity anymore, or as a mom too...
Don't you see the mystery, right here?! Right in your own kitchen!

I am getting more and more practically inclined.
I want to guide, to consult, but I do not want to talk about seeking, though I do understand! I want to talk about your daily life, how to make you notice this mystery of life right where you are. How to not wait another couple of years 
to start something, but start now.  How to meet a partner, 
how to love each other. How to start living what is, 
instead of trying to fix constantly and change
to something that "supposed to be better".

Maybe I am a bit lost in a spiritual circles, 
I am feeling less an less belonging, but I do not have 
any other circle really.  All my adult life I was a seeker.
I do not feel as a light worker, light warrior, satsanger, 
teacher, student, shaman, medicine woman...
I do not feel as particularly light neither, no fairy dust on me.
I did not loose all the reactions, or fears, I am fine with them. They will go when it's time, I am not in a hurry here.

I feel as I walked my own path to realisation.  
At least to where the perpetual drive to seek 
of "Who am I" or "Home" is gone. 
And at first it was almost a joke, a "laugh out laud",
that I had to endure, struggle, and make monumental efforts 
to see that there is nothing to find more then it is already present. It is only possible to suddenly see it.  Suddenly become aware. And when it happens, you just laugh.  

Then you keep forgetting, and when you remember, 
you get mad on yourself, or disappointed, or scared to loose it. So you get into seeking even more, but now you 
sort of hide from yourself that you are doing it.  You still identified with that character, with the comings and goings.  
When you live enough of that to notice that all that movement
of remembrance and forgetfulness happening not to you,
but in you, then you relax.  It just happens. 

You let coming and going be as it is.  You just observe it, 
it happens by itself, no one needs to remember to observe.
Something knows this coming and going, 
and that does not need a reminder, it is it's very nature.
I am not sure where I was going with all this today,
I do not choose the words, they come, so I let them talk,
and therefore sometimes I arrive with them into this place,
where they die out, leaving me wordless. 

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