Keep going, my friend!

Some raw paragraphs on awakening...











Because of the efforts of your practice,
or maybe it is just because of grace touched you in the middle of your life, like it did with my friend in a bookstore,
and another one in a supermarket, and one more I know -
he was riding his motorcycle,

suddenly you find yourself in a state of recognition
of who you are.  The mind that a moment ago was focused in this very human you though you were, now is limitless,
and you are not at all the little human:
the form, the body, and it's brain.

Who Am I? If this question appears in the space of limitlessness,
this is a gift of the human effort trying to know this very mystery
by repeating this question day after day
with no satisfying answer for years.

The question appears by itself, there is no one thinking it,
no one asking, no one carrying it forth, it is just there
as a self-perpetuated vibration: "Who Am I?" -
a divine curiosity.

I AM.  No name, no form, no thing. It's all I AM,
Awareness.  The search that took decade or even two, or three,
it sized, you are found, my friend.

Beware here.  Please be careful, it's not the end.
And you will understand this later, when the expansion 
folds itself, and focus back into the human mind.

Be very vigilant and see how the mind turns on the old program,
I AM might quickly to become "I am", "I had", "I saw", "I felt",
"I experienced", "I was", "I know". In some it might become "I am Awareness", easy!  Just keep inquiring who is talking, who's saying that, who is affirming?

When the experience does fades, it does not mean it disappeared,
got lost or never happened.  It"s like a tornado that goes through the field and turns around objects, the experience of pure awareness will re-arrange the brain. To what extent, we do not know,
but you won't be the same.

It took a minute, two, or longer, this was enough to disrupt
the old mechanisms.  You might not notice at first.
And many don't, they are trying to continue where they have left;
the same life story.

Same character, same job, same people,
same town, house and a cat, but why it feels so different now?
Why things that were important, not important anymore,
why it is hard to find motivation to keep the job, be nice,
and play the roles: "good husband", "perfect co-worker", 
"sweet lady", "always helpful", "responsible", "a seeker"...

Here is the real challenge comes, my friends.
This challenge is in living life when all the old structures are 
not fitting.  Remember when you were 12 or so, and came to school after the summer time 6 inches taller? Your old pants are higher then your ankles, and you can't button up the shirt?!  You can't shrink back yourself, you need a new wardrobe.

Same here.  You can't shrink yourself into the mind that
makes believe that you are Peter.  Or Bill, or Kathy, Susan, or "Sweet Pie", or "Pumpkin", "Sugar Plum", "good old boy", etcetera.

These are the times to navigate the old life with new perception.
It is not easy!  Boy, it took me years to sort out old closet,
along with all the characters in it.

The more true life you had before expansion, lucky!
True partner, true work, true place, the "truer-er" you were
to who you are,  the easier return. True relaxation.
The more you hid your face from all the true, the bumpier the ride.
Just give yourself much time, be open, be innocent, be patient.

With time the closet will be sorted, and maybe even not one time.
Be kind to yourself, and also to others.
Sometimes we have to part, but we can keep the love.

The seeking, yes, forgot about that, sometimes it stops.
But keep the inquiry - keep questioning the mind,
when he assumes a master role, a doer, an owner,
an enlightened one, awake.  Keep asking, keep turning the attention to what's aware.  Keep going, my friend <3

What's the point?

( An inquiry in the middle of negation of life )

Very often after the transcendental experience
coming back to a ‘regular” life as a human here
seems dull and not stimulating to the mind enough,
so he speaks: “This is not it, I lost an awakening. 
What can I do to go back to the state what “I” experienced!” 

Notice right there that the mind took the experience and made it it’s own.
Notice the mind runs the show again.  What a showman!
Look deeper, look not at mind talking and what it says, 

but look at the awareness of the mind talking. Look at it.  

You are not the talking mind.

And then the showman might come from another angle,
be attentive of it’s tricks.  It might say: “This life is an illusion, what’s the point?”
He will continue to solicit the attention with questions:
“If this is an illusion, what’s the point to live and experience life, whats the point?”
“If there is no choice, no will, what’s the point”?!

At this moment can you become very quite and again, 

see what asks this question. If you really attentive you notice 

the thought just keep churning in the mind: "What's the point”, it's just there. 

Now look at who is asking "What's the point"?

You are not a thought, You don't need the point to exist, you just are.

For the mind it is uncomfortable place to be: 

no explanation, no direction, no goal at this moment, just reality.

"Out of job" mind doesn't understand what is the point of pure existence 

without mental interpretation, and so he asks. 

He truly asks this question, he is not pretending he doesn't know.

You are not the mind. You know.

When the question arise: "What's the point?"  Look where is you. 

Someone knows of this question, something perceives the thought.
Something aware of it. There is a knowing of it. Look there. 

Then the question “Whats the point”? becomes a doorway to yourself. 

It gets answered right at that moment in the clarity of the experience.

My journey is different now

My journey is different now, it is not new wisdom acquired out of transcendence, it is more shedding what is hiding the wisdom that is always present. The transcendent is always here, nothing to reach for, our nature is clear and free, what covers it is the old identities - limiting, unconsciously carried roles. My process has been shedding the old in a spontaneous way for the last seven years especially, from more coarse to more subtle now, clearing the view to my own heart ❤️

To walk as a fully human

This is the human way: walk, trip, stand up, shake up and walk again. If you avoid walking this way by hiding into transcendent, know that the avoidance is futile. To walk as a fully human we walk transcendent and human simultaneously: vertically into the limitlessness and horizontally into maturity 

The Quest Worthy Undertaking

( An essay on pain, suffering, maturation of awakening ) 

I remember those monsters - the dirty, dusty asphalt rollers:
a small cabin with a man behind the most biggest cylinders I ever saw in existence.
In 50 years and all the technical progress, they did not change much,
same heavy metal cylinder that rolls and presses hot asphalt matter into the road.

This is exactly how I feel in the most sensitive days:
I feel as I was just passed over by the asphalt roller, as something bigger then me
just didn’t notice a little human on the road, and I got worked into the horizontal plane.
The amount of pressure on my body I can only describe with a help of this road equipment. 
It used to be a regular thing, and now it happens very rarely, still same sense 

of being worked into the two dimensional impression of being.

The pressure happens without any warning, and leaves suddenly without notice too.
There is some hormonal equilibrium, ever changing in a human organism
that I suspect as a landscape for this sudden experience of a great pressure.
I experience it mostly in my head, sometimes I feel as my scalp will crack one day,
releasing the pressure, like in a pressure cooker at the end of the cycle when you turn the
valve to the side, they call it “quick release” in an instructions that comes with the cooker.

As much as I always wished for “quick release”, it never happened.  

I learnt to agree with my body on the length of a cooking cycle.  

It might be half a day, or a day, or a little longer, there is no way to predict.  

Cycles in the past were months and years, imagine, so a day of pressure does’t bother me. 

I am just a little more kinder on myself.  I rest, take it easy, sometimes I take a pill.  

I used to be stoic, applying mindfulness philosophy:  just observing with great attention, 

no grasping, no pushing away, no trying "to fix".  Now I apply kindness 

and swallow a prescription strength pill with no spiritual remorse. 

Just like the road steam rollers are not changed or improved much 

in the last 50 years, my human body is just as vulnerable as before.  

It is still made of the same organic matter.  Same soft brain in a shell of the head 

gives impulses to all the organs, same red viscus fluid runs in a tiny capillaries,

bringing oxygen in and the waste material out of the cells.  Same mechanism 

that draws the air through the nostrils and releases it out.  Same waves of emotions, 

same sensations, same thinking process.  And at the same time, it is all different.

The pains and tensions don't bring suffering, the emotions are allowed fully,
and therefore they pass quicker, without hanging for days and months. 
I can cry and laugh in the matter of seconds, ask anyone close to me, 

even my acupuncturist.  Rick is a master of needles, he moves energies in my body 

with this mastery, and he can make me cry and laugh at the same time.
My facial expression would make a transition from  a "sad" to a "happy" 

with a pause in the middle in a neutral suspension. 

The eyes still full of tears, but the corners of my mouth already curled up, 

reminding me a porcelain Venetian mask with a painted tear under one eye, and a smile.  

What can better visually represent the roles we assume and play in life, without knowing!
I love that my face can do both mind states at the same time, even for a short time! 

It is just enough to confuse the usual brain patterns.

Suddenly there is a space without description. 

You are present, and you have more then one face now.  

Imagine what happens to habitual neurological passages? They collapse. 

The old mask has fallen, you are free from one more illusion about yourself! 

This space, where the mind does not describe you in old terms anymore and 

by the old roles, appears limitless.  There is a lightness of being you feel, and you notice 

you are not really physical, you are aware of physicality, but you are not limited to that.
You can have different pains, tensions, faces, appearances.  You can experience 

changing mind states, you can have variety of life engagements, and at the same time 

you are not that at all.  

Seeing the fullness of Life itself, the grand illusion of it, makes life not only bearable, 

but interesting. Great tension or pain: physical or emotional does not evoke suffering, 

mostly wonder.  Pain is pain, until it is “mine”, then it becomes suffering, can you see?  

The only way to be free from suffering is seeing who you are, and that is the quest 

worthy undertaking.