Monday, August 14, 2017


We forget what intimacy is.  Let me re-fraise, I forgot, you might very well know it.  So you can welcome me into it with your open arms.  Like my partner did, who held a space for me to be as I am until I broke all the armors.  I didn't know I have them, I suspected, but how you know what you are missing when you never knew it or completely forgot? You feel inadequacy.  You feel the fragmentation.  And thats what I felt.  I didn't know where it is coming from, this feeling of un-satisfaction, in spite of the clarity of the mind,  what is missing?  My heart was frozen in time, as life went, there were many times when it flash freeze again and again.

My son called me and said "Я тебя люблю!", "I love you" in Russian, and suddenly I felt this warmth I forgot, when I held him so close to my heart as a baby, when I kept hugging him as a child, and as pre-teen.  Last years were brutal, it was hard for me, was hard for him, but we re-united in the heart.  I was missing him, and he missed me, and there is nothing we could do, so we just kept going as we could, knowing we love each other anyways.

It happened simultaneously for us both, I don't know what his journey was, mine was as always though what G.I Gurdjieff, the great mystic of the 20th century, named "conscious labor, intentional suffering" - main ingredients of transformation of a man.  You stay with the pain, and you keep aware, don't settle for less: don't deny, don't hide, don't divert, don't lie to yourself.  Keep honesty, even if it is only within you, even if no-one supports or understands you, even if you are judged and misinterpreted. Please keep this spark of human conscience, it will lit the way back home.