Friday, February 22, 2019

We Are Here To Live Unique Life and Play Our Own Accords

Here is what I learnt in the last years, maybe it was too far into my life journey, but I didn't learn this in my childhood. I learnt simple boundaries. I learnt that I didn't have any. I didn't know what it is and how to operate with others with the completely open aura my character caries, permutable from all the angles, what we call "sensitive". It surely helped with certain effort and unwavering focus to wake up from the illusion of separation: no solid identity, I simply am. But in life this was a source of all kinds of codependant relationships, and I allowed to be taken for a ride that I wasn't really wanted to be in a first place, I had no idea what is going on with me on that ride, but it felt very uncomfortable, and at times really painful. Growing up is just as painful as waking up, and is as essential. Waking up and hiding into absolutist identity just doesn't work, world around will ask you to come back to the ground and take responsibility, no matter how many times you will say: "This is not me, its Life itself". So I finally learnt how to operate this very character in the world that will demand from you to conform to their likings, rules, wishes and standards. I just get really clear on what I really want, not what my mind tells me, and I just do and keep it as is.


And why it is not that simple is only when there is something to protect, some inner soft place that we don't want others to see, some place where fear lives. Then we start to give in a little here and a little there, and a big time too, especially in public.

Fear of public humiliation is huge barabashka as we call ghosts in Russian  I did release it fully, barabashka does not live in the depth of my mind anymore. I released all the identities: self and imposed by world around. I released images of myself and what I want to project to the world. They all do not have a voting voice in my decisions. I know I am a controversial character, because I evoke a lot of stuff people do not want to see, perhaps not ready, I understand that completely, I was there myself. Not by accident I came to understanding I am here as a catalyst for deep transformation, and this does apply to myself firsthand. My own healing is what is all about, it heals here and it heals others through resonance. You might stay with me for a ride, or drop out at any moment, know that I understand and I love you, we are not here to be glued together and agree with each other. 
We are here to live unique life 
and play our own accords 
in ONE symphony 

About my recent letter to Liberation Unleashed community:
I am clear in myself that I had to speak up, and I did.  I do not hold on to any particular outcome, I don't have control, I had to stand up and express, so I can sleep well and heal. I am clear in myself about my own mistakes as a co-founder of Liberation Unleashed organization on the authoritarian direction it took, and I do take full responsibility for this. I apologized in person and in public to everyone who was mistreated and pushed out from community publicly or covertly. I am clear in myself that I am on a path of my own healing and clearing, and I am transparent about it through the years on my blog Complete Humanity.  Surely, I am not anyone's ideal, and this would be unrealistic expectation on myself. I am clear in myself I do not want Ilona Cuinaite in my field, this is why I blocked her after she deleted me from mutual resource we created. I do not want to engage. I am healing from being conformed within our relationship, its a question of reviving life or further decline for me, since I got very ill in the relationship from not being who I am and not speaking up my truth. Please understand that usually in the case like mine people do not speak up publicly, they open up to someone they trust and in place they feel safe. Because I healed substantially I can speak up, but I do not want to engage in the discussions with Ilona.  She has right to speak up, and I will not comment on her statements.  I trust she knows herself how true she is or not, how fully true she is.  She is on her own journey, and she has organization to lead forward, and I wish her well, always.

Some of my other writings related to this post:Authoritarian Leadership in Liberation Unleashed and how it can be changed:

Conforming tendencies of the character + awakening = NUThouse:
Parting with someone significant:

After Transcendent, Growing UP! many more...