On childhood trauma

With the childhood trauma became apparent to me three years ago, I came a long way from starting releasing it unconsciously to the absolute clarity of what actually happened, how this main fixation of the personality was created. My mind suddenly got access to the files where the trauma was created when I was 5. Going further, with a few circumstances when the trauma was re-activated and pain-body somatic experience was fully released in the body, as a witness, I gained clarity on the mechanisms of it, thanks all who participated, knowingly and unknowingly: anyone who yelled at me when I would disassociate spontaneously and couldn't even talk, tried to humiliate me when I was honestly transparent, lied about me to save your public face, dismissed me when I needed help, laughed at me when I grasped for air. You were either innocently ignorant or a jerk, it doesn't really matter, because what matters is that I am really getting free from bondage of the trauma, this is a BIG DEAL, thanks for helping along! I am pretty serious about it. It is actually not that easy to release main personality fixation, just like not that easy to wake up. Takes lifetimes to have a certain mind capacity for the possibility to wake up, takes a lifetime to release the trauma so it stops replicate itself in the specific life story: circumstances, people, certain dynamics. Not guaranteed at all! I guess I was ready for the Grace. Deeply grateful to life to still be present here so I can experience this and help others 

I feel deeply

I have been processing this for couple of days, and my most pain now is that I see how so many suppressed in their own innate wisdom, trying to catch up with some projected ideal. They get dismissed by the conformed world around the power figures who project forward the face they want to see by, while hiding deep down their own unprocessed thick stuff. I see it all across the board, in every area, spiritual and mundane. Honestly, I do not know what to do about it other then work on my own clarity and groundness in my own being, trust my own judgment, know my work in the world and helping others in the same. I decided to work with one person at a time to help them to re-remember who they are, to be a witness in their own nature and a character they carry in this lifetime, so they can leave the heard and start to live.

I see firsthand how screwed up human perception of "authority in the filed" (any field) is, starting from most parents (me included with my own son), school teachers, then spiritual gurus, high profile figures in self-help world, how hypnotizing it is, how disempowering, how homogenizing it is! I specifically was given the life circumstances to experience it firsthand, in fact, I had one very recently. I came to live absolute transparency, because someone has to be open to show others that these things are real and valid. If you think I am a superman, this is not the case, I feel deeply, I feel so deeply for human condition, for suffering we went through out of ignorance, I do not have time for dismissing it. This is my contribution to the world and every one who ever came across what I write, how I write, and how I work, people know I am very human.

I will not site with what majority think, what majority believe in about you, even with what you believe about yourself, I am not here to add more to hypnosis. I will challenge your mind, and will un-cover the REAL, the forgotten, the natural, the life-giving, what is prior to when you folded, when you contracted, when you assumed the role you lived. We will go in you PRIOR to when you allowed to be directed by those around you who portrayed they knew better for you what and how you should be.

Today's song

So what is the value of saying it again

and again,

and again?

It is not a choice really, to say or not to say.

It is openness to what is here to be expressed.

For some, it is every day loving kindness,

for some it is every day cooking nourishing meal,

for some it is hugs that envelop and relax,

and for some, it is speaking of what is needed to be spoken out.

It can vary day to day, it might be repeating the same message

with slight variations, nuances and flavors,

connecting one day with one being, and the next -

with the other.

We all hear and resonate with different words, different rhythms and different frequencies.

You may say: "It is so boring! How you can do it?!"

This is what I always thought about performers,

how they manage to sing the same song for a lifetime?!

I am singing this Song of Awakening for many years,

and I know this song will continue!

It all depends on the audience,

who is there to sing for today.

I always sing for those in the front row, you choose where you want to sit today!

True Freedom

Today I got clear that I do have a specific mission at this time of my life. I am on a mission to bring clarity to the notion of spiritual awakening, and I am on a mission to help people to stop running for the carrot of abstract enlightenment.

It was my Chiron Return today. I officially pass the line on the life trajectory of healing the childhood wounds where I am no longer living the story of the wound. Its not always happens of cause, but my unceasing search for freedom actually paid off. I did dive deeply into the wound that held me in limitation of living the life in freedom, in spite of the awake mind. I had many different experiences in this lifetime, lived many lives, but the one that opened the mind to who am I and dropped any need for any more spiritual seeking and the one that opened the main wound and liberated me from fear of humiliation were the main events to freedom in this lifetime. Everyone has their own grain of sand in their shoe, its unique to each of us, in my case it was humiliation that I experienced in the early childhood that I unconsciously was avoiding by conforming in so many ways through the lifetime. There is no one method to freedom, if you meant to be cracked open in this lifetime, you probably feel great longing for freedom, and you will be opened in your own unique way. Stop comparing yourself to others, mind your own liberation, only you will know when there is no sand in your shoes. Spiritual search is one of the most biggest avoidance to look what hurts while you are walking. Instead we pretend its all fine and politely smile by wearing a mask of a "very spiritual person" or "awake and aware", unconsciously holding tension in the organism and perpetuating unrest. So today I celebrate my own freedom. I did my work. I help others in the same, this is my lifework, and I am happy to still be alive and be of service.
https://www.elenanezhinsky.com/

“I hide nothing”

~~ 

“I hide nothing”

Yes it is strong.

Yes it is unsettling for many.
But I earned to say this with my life.

Sorry it touches you strongly

And calls you to look at where you hide.

I can hold you in un-hiding,

If you are ready.

But please do not ask me to hide

Because in my hiding I went so far as

Almost leaving life. Some of us are too big to hide,

We will be asked to come out, or we die.

Understand that anyone who went that far

And got the courage to come out of hiding

Will not bend anymore. They are here to be seen

For we are all supported by their courage
To come out and leave fearlessly.

Summer Deep Transformation Group for Awake, but not fulfilled

From spiritual dropout, hard-core spiritual seeker, creator of awakening inquiry, awakening movement, spiritual mentor, I transitioned to the field of practical spirituality or spiritual practicality, not sure yet how to name it, but my work with people is personally tailored transformational and life-changing coaching. I am directing all my attention this year, and l did last year as well, on learning, sharing and living my life from awakeness, deep awareness, authenticity, courage, and inspiration. If you want to join me for 3 months of exploration of your own humanity, I am planning to make a small group of explorers (8 people) for the Summer time (June-July-August). 

We will meet on Zoom every other week, and I also will have individual meetings with everyone to explore your life intention here, values, and how to live not from conditioned responses, or avoidance, not from fear and limitation, but from your own limitless heart, from sacred, divine and simple place of authentic you as a human being. We will create a small community, perhaps life-long friendships. Would it be nice to have friends all over the world you can learn with, play, talk, laugh and enjoy a communion with?! I am planning to do this quarterly, or maybe in a future - longer group, there will be an opportunity to connect to others who are also awake, aware, authentic and courageous, who live life open heartedly and fearlessly.

This group is for anyone awake who want to integrate in life better, who want to play in life, not hide, who want to utilize their gifts, not pretend they are not interested in life, who want to feel fulfilled and satisfied, not bitter and frustrated, who want to connect, share and belong to a small community where everyone is seen, respected, supported and valued for who you are 

This inspired me to make a Summer group to explore humanities, life intention, purpose to be alive, values and ways we can live to feel fulfilled:

The Summer Day - Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

I do not know yet all the details, but I trust they will line up in the next few weeks.  Please email me that you are interested and I will send you detailed information soon.

There is nothing static in me, except my dedication to authenticity in myself and helping others in the same: Be YOU. I lead by my own example of suffering turned into wisdom, suppression into clarity, conforming into courage. I hide nothing, I do not pretend I know it all, I do not hesitate to change direction as soon as I clear it does not work, I invent and create new things to play with and explore, I invite others to play with me. I do not protect any particular image, I attach to nothing, but I live with passion, because to play here fearlessly and free is more fun then being too serious and limited. Join if this resonates!

How to navigate this life

This would be awesome, right, if I could tell you?

Or if someone would tell me.  But it’s not gonna happen.
Wait, there are a lot of those who claim they know,
please understand, they at most found the way for themselves.

Sure we can share with each other,
and by resonance we connect, and trust, and listen.
But we also forget that we all have different configuration of the mind,
though we are one at the core, our minds process life differently.

This is why there are so many modalities and teachers,
because it is needed, like different species perform different functions.
Please don’t get stuck as a helpless child to one of them forever.
Grow up besides waking up. 

It does sound almost foreign, sure.  You spent half a life trying to wake up.
You thought this is an ultimate goal in life.  And it might be!
But life continues, you know, it doesn’t stop, or suddenly becomes all perfect.
Now with that expanded knowing you need to walk the same streets as before!

How to navigate the same life when you woke up out of the illusion of separation,

 out of the spell to be this body, thinking and emotions?
Start paying attention to what you are here for.
Stop rushing to do, and start seeing what exactly you are here to do.

You slow down this character you are in, you get to know them.
You start notice the fixations developed through the unconscious living,
the hand-ups, what we call “conditioning”, the learned behaviours,
habits, patterns, which were created mostly for protection in the illusion of separation.

Can you see that waking up is not really an event in time,
but a state of mind at the present moment, now.
I do not want to diminish any existential experiences,
they were absolutely necessary for the mind to release the veil of separateness. 

But please do not hold on to the memories, they will not help now,
who even cares that you now think you are awake? 
Human brain is a highly adaptive organ, it will immediately
creates new, upgraded image of “awaken me”. 

What’s important is to continue to be honest, continue an inquiry,
what I mean here, just questioning any ownership the mind assumes.
Does’t have to be robotic, just natural simple curiosity
about the mechanisms of identification and creation of identities.

At some point life becomes lucid.  Awake life is the same life,
just like a night dream is the same dream as a lucid dream.  Its a dream.
In lucid living you live life from the perspective of the character,
though you know you are not it.  It happens without effort.

This is very important to understand, if the effort is present,
it comes from the mind - it tries to highjack reality to make it it’s achievement.
Being here/now is the simplest thing, not even possible not to be,
but “trying” to be here/now is a mind’s simulation.

If you are lost and feel the pain of separation, then follow the pain.
Turn to the pain, face to face, ask it to reveal what’s wrapped in it.
Here you can use any modality available: from behavioural psychology 

to energy medicine, mind inquiry, body somatic inquiries - whatever resonates, 

you just see what is easier for your mind to engage in, by itself or guided.

Waking up is opening the perception to who you are
besides the body and the brain, and opening the eyes to what life is,
besides believing everything you’ve told. It is a rite of passage not for everyone, 

but the courageous and curious, who are driven to it 

more then they are driven to preserve safety.

Growing up is clearing the pains, not running away and chasing bliss, 

but saying yes to all you’ve got.  It is seeing that no one is responsible 

for the current mind state you are in. 

By waking up to who you are this will be clear why.

With these two lines of work, effortless and engaged at the same time,
You are in this life in a unique positioning, can you see that?
Reliance on anyone else to explain the way, to zap, to use the magic wand 

won’t bring the clarity, at most just bring a temporary relief, 

though I am not against that either.

Wake up, my friend, then grow up, perhaps vice versa - 

in all the different ways this can present itself.
There are no calculations, no analysis, no linear ways to it,
relax into what’s present and follow your life’s own unique trajectory.

I found this drawing by Annie Mueller both true and FUNNY! :)