I am waking up and have been for a couple years. i get the sense u walk people through the illusion somehow. i want that more than anything. help!
Elena July 15 at 12:41pm
What is "I" for you?
when i look its like a vague sense of being a me
i move my head when i move it and i stop it when i stop it. right now i move my head left then right then stop. maybe a thought arises and tells the head to move but it still feels like the thought arises as a response to my intention or my will or my order or something like that.
i ask what is holding me back? im terrified of the void. terrified of the truth. terrified of suffering upon contact witht the truth. terrified of the phase between seeing through and the new state being established.
Elena July 15 at 2:25pm
Look at the feeling of terror. It is there anyways, you won't hide from it, so invite it closer, look what it is really, look behind the feeling. Look behind the feeling . What is there?
i think the fear dissolves if i look directly at it, if i stare it down. ive been reading ur blog and i think im getting it (or getting is happening!). if i say "carpet" i can find the thing the word refers to. if i say "chair" same thing. if i say "batman" i can find a bunch of thoughts strung together that represent that batman entity. and if i say "I" same thing. except it also feels like an inward direction. like an arrow pointing towards the center of this side. possibly the center of the body. i still feel a strong sense of being the doer especially if i turn my head left and right. so its moving on its own to further the illusion of doership? or is it actually being manipulated by the "i" thought?
in other words, is there any relationship at all between the "i" thought and the body?
wait, or does the "i" thought exist and influence the body and still there is no me?
Elena July 16 at 12:06pm
Fear, terror are just feelings, they intensified when you come closer to see the truth. So just, yes, look right on or behind the fear and see what it is and what is there. Its nothing there - because its a movement in consciousness - not a monster on your back. Feeling arise and pass. Nothing solid, nothing permanent. So you know what to do if it comes back. And if it comes, write to me again.
Elena July 16 at 12:10pm
"I" thought. Does baby in a crib have "I" thought? When opens the eyes and look - can you try to imagine how it is? Is there any 'I" thought pointing inside the body like it points to you now? What is this pointer? Brake up the experience. Look, you saw "I" thought. Then look what it does. Pointing - how do you see it? Is it sensations in the body? Sensations are real, what about the illusive "I"?
Elena July 16 at 12:23pm
The "I" turning the head? The little shit sitting in the head and do the job? You see how it doesn't make sense. The same thing has to sit in the head on a cat or a bee then to navigate the body. You are doing great. Continue to look. Compare what is real and easy to spot and what is imaginary.
Elena July 17 at 1:20am
what's cooking?
really old tensions in my body started to move. on their way out id say. process speeds up and slows down. it helps whenever i feel angry or upset to stop and try to find the I that is angry. makes me laugh everytime. i dont think ive ever dropped anger this fast in my life (excuse the I and the Me when i write!). still i feel theres more. but this "I" that feels theres more is also an old I. theres discomfort, pain in the body. still some fear about passing through. i try to control it, make it faster, clearer. but then where is this I thats trying to control. and so on. i doubt it. hahaha but even that doubter is nowhere to be found. i dont trust myself to be doing the looking every time. sometimes it feels like im just skimming the surface with all defenses intact. what am i trying to defend? i dont know. fear is there. fear of the unknown. fear of losing control. but then i never really had control did i? there never was a me to have control. some of this is sometimes intellectual sometimes experiential. i don't know. waiting for something to happen. for pain and tension and suffering to disappear. for new being to emerge. for whats there under when the I finally falls away. waiting for a finality or a done or a this is it.
fear of the truth. what am i afraid of? afraid i will suffer helplessly in the future right after me falls away. which is ridiculously impossible. how would I suffer after the falling away of I? sensations then i guess. im afraid of feelings and thoughts and sensations. if theres no i then i am not afraid. fear of feelings, thoughts and sensations is there. too intellectual but im breathing steadily and my body feels good so i take that to be a sign of release or opening. "my" body. fuck. the body feels good. if i let intensity build i feel braver. ready to explode and die and suffer forever for the sake of truth. feels good. hard to maintain though.
so when i stop moving, then will the hand to move it moves. part of me is confused. i think im expecting everything the I wants to be different than everything Life is doing. in other words im trying to get it through my head that it is as profound and awesome as thoughts arising to move the hand and hand moves after even as it seems to be the I's attempt at control. does that make sense? its that tricky. in other words, i'll stop and think "right. now ill move my hand to see that I am obviously here." and at the same time Life does move my hand seemingly in response to the I but really not. no wait. life is patterning as an i thought and hand moving thoughts and hand moving and thoughts that say "im the one moving it". that about right? what the fuck. i feel like my brain is frying and i feel a consistent urge to laugh my ass off. which i do. i feel lighter and more intense and happier and freer. or rather these feelings are there. i know theres a "done" to this so im waiting for that. but wheres that I thats waiting? fuck.
so if there's no "me" then whats this here? is there a point of view? a perspective? a body/mind perspective? i mean there seems to be a center at least around which everything happens. not necessarily a center point like Me feels like, but maybe a bubble-like hereness encasing experience. like a snowglobe including all thats happening here. now its the computer and fingers typing, earlier it was bedroom and ceiling, later it might be kitchen and eating, etc. life living itself from this perspective (which really for all i know is the only perspective that exists!)
i can find an I that wants to share this with everyone but wants to be the bringer of good news, the liberator, the savior. barf. makes me wanna puke. an I that wants to be included, wants acceptance, praise, appreciation. fucking why? why do I want this crap anyway? so i can what? i hate it. who gives a shit if anybody gets it or doesnt get it or if the world burns or doesnt?! who is it that cares? where is the "me' that has a say in it? that gives a crap? i get caught up. it feels endless at times.
why am i holding myself back? i think seeing through the illusion will result in a worse life than the one ive had and have now. the end of everything, not just the suffering. i heard before there can be no suffering without a sufferer but there can be happiness without a happiness-er. that kinda comforts me but then i wanna puke cuz that I is still looking for comfort. can i find the I thats looking for or wanting comfort?
why am i holding myself back? what am i afraid of? again, that the truth is worse than the lie. thats its unsatisfying. that its pointless. nothing. nothingness. but who cares if theres no "I" to fear nothingness, right? i feel that fear of the truth is so old and deep but i feel like its lessening. where is this Me that is afraid of the horrible truth?
where is this "I" that's afraid of not existing?
there is tension in the body - sensations of pressure. there is an I that wants to be rid of the tension. where is it? i look it dissolves. there is an I that wants to be done. where is this I that wants to be done? I look it dissolves. there as an I that thinks it is doing the looking. where is this I that is looking? not there.
Elena July 17 at 12:52pm
Thoughts, feelings, sensations - they are real. They exist. They were, and would not disappear.
You never was, reality were always. You will go away, just like stopping believing in santa at one point, all the reality remains.
So nothing to fear. But still fear is there. Fear is real. It's feeling, a wave in consciousness. Keep looking at the fear. Not even looking, bow to it, seriously. Can you see the grange of creation in this feeling? Its amazing. How consciousness fold itself in the fear to protect itself to see. Why? Just a play. Like play in believing in santa. For sometime. And then the play just ends. Nothing changes in reality.
Anyways, AK. If you want to continue to work with me, I need to laid out some rules so this will be of most benefit to you. I am not interested to make the work. I am interested to make the work done. It means that you are seeing the illusion, get the veil of illusion off, step through the gate.
For that I need your 100% focus on looking. Not floundering around Facebook reading about awareness. It won't help. I need you to be 100% honest with every experience, every thought arising - not taking it as a face value, but really look what it is, breaking into components. For example - if you feel fear - first notice, invite it closer, look behind whats there. Then look at "I" though. Does it attaches itself to the experience constantly? Investigate, Do not trust old beliefs. Be like a scientist. More looking, no reading. You read all these years, enough. Now is time for looking. When we done - do whatever you want. Now - concentrate on looking. What is looking?
Looking is honest look onto reality as it is. How you do it? You check what is real and exist and what is imaginary and installed.
So I need you to tell me if you commit to stay at the gate and focus.
You are doing great, just need you commit even more if you want to cross.
there is an I that is uncomfortable about the future. where? no there. neither is the future. I am looking at the screen. I am typing. life throwing out thoughts in response to whatever input there is in terms of what we've been talking about. body responds to these arising thoughts, types these words, understanding arises. i understand. where is the I that understands? restlessness is there. feels like I am restless. where is the I that is restless? not there. there is an I that doesnt believe it can be easy. where? not there. I that doubts even more. where? nowhere. I that thinks its gonna be a while before i'm free. where is that I? not here. laughter arises. there as an I that is buzzing, uncomfortable, untrusting, heavy, afraid, unhappy. deep breaths happen.
Elena July 17 at 12:54pm
here is tension in the body - sensations of pressure. there is an I that wants to be rid of the tension. where is it? i look it dissolves. there is an I that wants to be done. where is this I that wants to be done? I look it dissolves. there as an I that thinks it is doing the looking. where is this I that is looking? not there.
it's just looking
when baby open his eyes - is there "I"?
It's just looking
Is it true?
Elena July 17 at 12:57pm
"there is an I that is uncomfortable about the future. where? no there. neither is the future. I am looking at the screen. I am typing. life throwing out thoughts in response to whatever input there is in terms of what we've been talking about. body responds to these arising thoughts, types these words, understanding arises. i understand. where is the I that understands? restlessness is there. feels like I am restless. where is the I that is restless? not there. there is an I that doesnt believe it can be easy. where? not there. I that doubts even more. where? nowhere. I that thinks its gonna be a while before i'm free. where is that I? not here. laughter arises. there as an I that is buzzing, uncomfortable, untrusting, heavy, afraid, unhappy. deep breaths happen. "
Elena
Perfect. Keep looking. Do not trust thought. Look at any though arising and compare it to reality. So I need you to tell me if you commit to stay at the gate and focus. Done deal.
I feel its endless. I feel there no way I'll do this. Laughter arises. Tension and pressure in the body starts vibrating. Dissolving probably. Where is the I that feels its endless? Laughter. Where is the I that feels there's no way it'll do this? Deep breaths happen.
I wants to be rid of tension in the body faster. where is the I? a thought. dissolves.
Elena July 17 at 1:04pm
If I give you a cup in your hands and you hold it. It's exist, right? So what do you need to do to cup stop be existing? You need to brake it, and it's stop existing as a cup, right?
If I extend my hands to you and say - I have this watermelon in my hands (I just imagine it, and you just imagine it, ok?) So I am giving you this watermelon - take it. You take imaginary watermelon and "hold it" - go ahead - do it - hold imaginary watermelon - huge - in between your hands.
Now I ask you what you should do to get rid of this watermelon in your hands?
nothing. just drop the imagination. i try it with I and fear of nothingness arises. where is the I thats afraid of nothingness? not there. there is some association between the tension in the body and the self. it feels like as long as there's tension there's I thought attached to stuff. like the watermelon has a counterpart in the body as tension. where is the I to which all this is happening? laughter
Elena July 17 at 1:16pm
Yes, perfect. Just stop imagining:) And keep looking. Compare reality to imaginary. Is there a boogy man in your room? No - it's imaginary, but the thought of it can bring up a lot of fear. Maybe not in you now, but if you are like 5 y.o and its dark and you have thought of a boogy man in your room. Fear will arise. Fear is real. Boogy man is not. Look at "self". Sensations, feeling, thought of self is real. Self is not.
got kinda lost in the world for a bit. where is this I that got lost? breathing. tension sensations in my arms neck back head. like an invisible skeleton of tension inside the body. i want it gone. i want freedom. where is this i that wants tension gone? laughter. wheres the I that wants freedom? breathing. more laughter. sometimes i think i need to sit still till the body releases this tension but its too hard. too restless. so where is this I that thinks its supposed to sit still? laughter. where is this I that is restless? dissolves. other times i feel i just need to keep doing this and the tension will take care of itself in my sleep or as i go through the day or as i sit and write this. where is the I that thinks this other scenario? breathing. dissolves.
tension in my neck. my neck? where is that owner of the neck? laughter. im sitting here. where is that I? there is a point here from which attention seems to be emanating. from which looking seems to be emanating. in other words i am not the couch over there. i am inside the body here. i have an assumption that with no I I would have no point of view. but thats not true of a baby. baby has point of view but no me. i am a point of view then? or just point of view is here? i'm bored. no I to be found that is bored. i want to get up and do something else something more fun. no I that wants that. i want a distraction! i want to get up fuck off go play watch a movie smoke a joint! anything but this! its not painful. its just hard. like trying to put out a volcano by sitting on it. my body feels like its going to explode in certain parts and gooey self stuff is gonna pour out. hahaha. i want approval. i want everyone to love me and see how awesome i am. and i want them to be my slaves if they dont love me. fucking hell. insane laughter. this is awesome. every step i take feels like its not enough. feels like more is necessary. feels like not doing it right. where is the I to all this?
whats causing these thoughts? are they just old beliefs stored in the body? energy trapped in the body? is this what all the tension is? is that why it seems to be dissolving the more i breathe and see there's no I in them? whatever. who gives a crap. there is an I that's afraid the amount of tension in the body is directly proportionate to the amount of I thoughts left. where is that I? laughter. there is an I that is afraid of a long future with more of this difficult looking being done here. where is that I? dissolves.
i am trying to so the watermelon thing again. wait. wanting to do the watermelon thing just arose. trying to do it is happening. feels like its all a response to my desires or my will. where is that I that feels, desires or wills? breathing.
tension in the body keeps taking attention. there is resistance to it. what the fuck is this persistent motherfucker I. i hate it. I hate I. hahahahah. cant i just make myself laugh until the whole thing falls off? where is the I that wants to make itself laugh? fuck. feels like im possessed by all these different I's. who is possessed? no one.
feels good to invite the tension closer. to welcome it and even ask it to stay if it wants to. to bow down to it like u said. i can find a manipulative little I that wants to use that bowing to get rid of the tension! i invite that I to stay if it wants. it helps to remember when u said the pain increases when i am closer to the truth. makes the pain desirable almost. except then the fear of the truth shows up again. fear of nothingness. fear of other entity - life, reality, god, void, black hole, emptiness, etc. to whom the fear? i feel like i am being run over by a truck. to whom this feeling? no one. it feels like i am typing. my fingers' movement feels like its a response to something i am doing. or maybe again thoughts arise, influence the body to move, no me.
Elena July 17 at 3:20pm
there is no you. no. never being. look. Only idea, label. Nothing to loose. Keep looking at the "I" thought how it attaches like a leech to everything in the reality. Grabs. Make an owner. Life don't need a manager, no ownership. Life patterning as various bodies, beliefs, thoughts, movements - everything is Life. There is no you. Look.
Elena July 17 at 3:22pm
Look around - life lifing. No need for the label, for ownership.
Is there you in any shape or form in the reality?
cant find a me. but if i stop looking it latches on again. i want to just drop it. its too hard to pick every thought that arises. i definitely feel shifts and tension falling in the body but i am trying to do the watermelon thing.
i want to stop so bad. want to just go do something else and let this deal with itself or wait till i have more willingness. where is that i that wants to stop? laughter. where is the i that wants more willingness? dissolves.
Elena July 17 at 3:28pm
You go outside and walk. Walk, ok? Just walk and look around. Plainly, just regular, with fresh eyes. Simple looking, physical, no trying to solve anything. Just walking. You must do it now. Go.
ok. thanks.
Elena July 17 at 11:57pm
there is no you.
is it true?
am looking. slept a lot and kept waking up and looking for I. it dissolved. tension in body is less. but still there. there's more looking i think. where's the I that thinks there's more looking? can find it. i have to go do stuff outside so i wont be near the computer for a few hours but ill keep looking. thank you, Elena.
Elena July 18 at 12:09pm
Yes, do what you have to do, when you have a chance, write.
and yep, not possible to find what does not exist in reality. You can look until you blue in the face, won't find it. Why? Ask. Shut up and listen for the answer why. Tell me what you've got.
Is there you in any shape or form in the reality? Need you to answer me this precise in length.
when i am not looking, I is there again however unconsciously. in other words believing that there is a Me is largely an unconscious process. if i am not looking its there but i only notice it was there when i stop and look and remember what the experience was like a few minutes ago. which i guess doesn't prove it because its more honest to say I don't actually know what was going on when it was going on because i wasn't looking to see. when i stop to look all i have is a memory and an assumption based on that memory. so i cant even know for sure what was going on. no proof that a Me was there. memory is not a reliable source for proof. so now where is this I that is figuring out all this? dissolves. feel heavier and kind of unhappy. where is that unhappy I? breathing.
is there a Me in any shape or form in reality? no. when I look, what feels like Me is almost an invisible mask that looks like the body's face appearing in front of my head. if i look closely it disappears. hides almost. so who's doing the looking for a Me? feels like I'm doing it. if i look closer i cant prove it. who wants to prove it? wanting to prove it is another thought with accompanying emotion. no owner of it that i can an find. tension in the body starts to move. feels like my tension. feels like i want to be free of it. where is this I to which the tension belongs? feels like I is the body+sensations+thoughts+memories+a familiar sense of being what I've always been. but really is there an owner to these things that I can find the same way i can find these things? no. still feels like there's some familiarity here. so familiarity is familiarity. it isn't me. its a feeling of familiarity. where is the me that feels familiar? feels like an invisible mask that is super close to my face, closer than anything else. whose face? cant find a Me that owns the face. if i think of my cat there is no sense of ownership there. no Meness or I-ness or My-ness. Just cat cating. baby babying. table tabling. feels too intellectual. is there a Me in the reality right now? just a vague sense of here-ness or this-ness. but thats just that right? a sense of here-ness or this-ness. where is the Me even in the Here-ness or this-ness? i can find a thought that says "of course I'm here." but thats just a thought. the word "phone" points to the telephone object, what does the word "I" point to? feels like it points to this side, inwards, inwards plus body plus thoughts plus sensations plus ability to get up and go to the bathroom. so there is an inward sense, a body, thoughts, sensations, ability to go the bathroom. but is there a Me?
i think i have an expectation that all of a sudden i will see the body begin to move on its own and all that will be left of me is an observer or a process of observation. i think i am expecting a split between life and an observer or something weird like that. so where is the I that is expecting? cant find it. feels like the I, even if its a thought, is using the body to type this. fuck this is hard. i think when action is happening is where i get the strongest sense of Me doing it. if i talk and say something smart i feel a feeling of approval. and it sure feels like i am the one doing it. i am the one with all the memories and ideas and concepts that can pull out from these and spin new stories and new words and new ideas and new ways of communicating. everything feels so familiar. maybe i am thinking its supposed to feel alien when i realize there is no I. where is this I that's trying to figure this all out? no there. breathing. why am i expecting anything to feel different if this I never did exist before. its not like it was there so things felt a certain way and now it'll go so things will feel a different way. it never was, right? which means life was living itself and thinking itself an I. so even the I story, the suffering caused by I, seeing through the I are all Life living itself. even the I thought, even the I sense, even the I confusion, even the asking what is this I? even the answers to that question, the seeing , the not seeing are all life patterning, right? ALL of it. no one thinking itself I or seeing through the I. all of it was and always will be life living itself, believing there is an I, seeing there is no I, living life after, making sense of it intellectually, the looking itself, the waiting for results, the noticing difference, the frustration, the fear, the understanding, ALL of it life living itself. and the me that i thought i was also was life living itself. and the Me asking where is this Me asking, is life living itself. i feel everything kind of melting into this Life Living Itself thing. but it still feels intellectual. there is fear of getting caught up in I again. whose fear? life's fear. no one here to worry about it. even if worry arises. who is worried? life living itself, appearing as worry. obviously i am not making worry appear nor can i stop it nor can i make it go away. where is this I that is thinking its not making worry appear? tension falling. breathing. amusement. waiting. who is waiting Me or life? i am not doing the waiting. waiting is there. i noticed it was there after it was already there. who noticed? cant find a doer. noticing happened maybe? i feel like i am lying to myself. maybe i am expecting a sureness that its over? who is expecting? hahaha
part of me feels there is no getting rid of this I. if there is no me how can i get rid of it?
Elena July 18 at 2:30pm
exactly. You can't get rid of what does not exist.
agree?
Elena July 18 at 2:32pm
hahaha yeh agree. what's now?
Elena July 18 at 3:29pm
Being observer is intermediate between being completely asleep and awake. You can now drop observer. No need for observer any more. For seeing the illusion it's necessary to look. You looked. You saw - nobody there. You tried hard to get rid - nope, nobody there, nothing to get rid off. Only belief of "I" as an owner, as a collector of as you said, body/feelings/sensations/thoughts. Do we need to carry the collector? Nah. Self was never there. That was just an illusion. But life was living itself anyways, in a perfect order. So what will be with life now when "self" is seeing? Nothing much. Life will continue, and by the way, never stopped, when this looking was taken place - life was patterning as looking:) Tensions, emotions and other shit accumulated in the body through the years of contracting into the separate "I" will start to dissolve. Slowly. No identification - with anything - big or small - get's you free. Freedom to allow life to live as you. free. What is now? Wonder of creation. No more looking. Just living, playing, eating, walking - whatever it is - just simply be.
Anything comes up - you know what to do - do not run, invite, almost pet, and ask "Why are you here?" And listen. Listen to the wisdom, perfectly tailored for your embodiment. Nothing is personal, so there is freedom in inviting anything. Right?
hahahah thank u so much. this is fucking hilarious. what the hell! yeah i read ur blog. been reading it every day. if u end up posting my shit use initial A. but what about the empty space part? isn't there a Done to all this? i mean other than the seeing. isn't there an end to the contending and inviting and asking why and all that? wait. who cares. no me. life will do its business. if i suffer i stop to see where i am believing a me. thank u again.
Elena July 18 at 3:51pm
hahaha. yea, it's hilarious. I was like "what the fuck?" why all this fuss???!! This is why they call is cosmic joke. Best explanation!
Empty space - the void?
You will find it out for yourself. It will be reveling itself. Took me some while. I am too, very emotional embodiment:)
fear of the void came up. invited it closer. laughter. thank u so much for the "invite it closer, bow at its feet, pet it" thing. fucking awesome. feels so good, so humble, like a little child walking into a dark room holding its father's hand, trusting him, or something like that. fucking hell. they should teach that shit to toddlers! not accept, not love it, not allow it, not even welcome it... invite it closer! u r awesome, Elena.
Elena July 18 at 3:59pm
Love you!♥
love you so much!
Elena July 18 at 4:00pm
It's love just reveling itself - you see - this is falling into the void. It's not that bad :)
can find traces of thrill and excitement and fear but its okay. i invite them closer. i feel like i could sit here for hours and just invite everything closer!
void is a shitty scary word i fucking hate it. life living itself hating itself. hahahaha thank u thank u thank u!
Elena July 19 at 11:55am
much love. all is love, seriously. no kidding.
yes please!
there is still stuff coming up. tendencies and habit thoughts so i am staying with it but the joy bubbles up at times and the laughter. and if i get away from the difficulty of the looking i feel light and happy and less fear. still seems to be some tension in the face, neck, back, legs, but the more i look, the more i welcome any fear that comes up the more the tension dissolves. like i told u b4 feels like whatever is left is represented by the tension in the body.
Elena July 19 at 9:58pm
Ah, staff! Staff was so huge in my case, I thought I would go crazeeeee! But I trusted and let it pass. Yea, let it pass, let it pass. The body/mind will unfold it's tension pockets slowly or rapidly - depends on the embodiment. It always was a lot of intensity here, seems there too?:)) I thought this would never stop, and then one day it just was gone! I still experience emotions, but they more experiences as a sensations in the body - like burning, heat, they do not fool me anymore. It's like I am transparent now. hehe. It's difficult to describe, but what you do is right - just continue to do it until you don't anymore.
Much love. Write always.
AK to Ben S:
There's simple looking. The way you only need to glance around the room to see there's no blue elephant there. In the same way I look for a Me. What do I find? There's no Me. So who cares. Whatever drove before continues to drive. Where? Who cares.
Hey, AK! Since it's already more then a week pass since we worked, and you looked around in the middle of life, let me ask you some questions, ok?
Elena: Do you exist?
AK: no me. the body/mind exists with sometimes persistent sometimes nonexistent thought of I, along with emotional and sensational arisings. there are moments when im not looking when it feels like the whole thing is lumped as one thing, but it feels easier to operate like that sometimes.
Elena: Explain how is there is no you
AK: there are urges and habits and conditionings in the body/mind that seem to be connected to energies all around in the universe and these play themselves out together on a much subtler level than what appears. in other words if the thought "im hungry" arises and is said, its because of many chemical/biological processes in the body. there is awesome, intelligent, magical life patterning as this.there is no me but there is a biological robot that can imagine itself to be separate from all that is, and from this perspective of distance conceive of and enjoy all that is.
Elena: What is "I"?
AK: I is an imagination (a force of nature that claims to own everything and is believed or not believed)
Elena: Anybody is living life?
AK: no there's nobody living life. obviously. if anything were there would be something other than life and that's not possible. so freaking obvious. other than life where?? outside the edge of the universe? hahah..so silly..
