Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I've been meditating my ass off for 25 years. For THIS?!? It's gotta be a joke! Part 1.

Hi Elena,

I wonder if you could help me with this “there's no me” stuff, please?  I've been following the blogs on Ruthless Truth's blogroll for some time now, and everything rings true — except, I can't see it, I feel I'm stuck.
When I look for a self I never find anything, and never has.  For at least two decades I've been avoiding social contact because I felt it was dishonest to pretend I was there when in reality I wasn't, so I would isolate myself until such times that I felt I could muster an I to present.  This probably sounds like crap, but do you follow me?

When I say I'm stuck it's because I seem to understand all this at least conceptually, and I also cannot find any self when i look for one.  However, somehow I still think I exist, and I can't seem to get through that barrier.

Do you have time to help me?


You can't find something that does not exist. Agree? Can you find unicorn in your room? Do you even go and look for it when I ask you?

So why you are still looking for self and do not look for unicorn in the room?


I cannot see myself, no matter what direction I look in, but it seems there's an implicit assumption that I must be somewhere — if not, who else is experiencing all this?  When I investigate that assumption I find that “I” can be anything, so to speak.  I look and find a tension in my throat or abdomen.  Before I looked I thought it was me.  After I look I find it's just a tension or a sensation (e.g. the feeling of my bottom sitting on the chair).  Or even a sound outside the house. When I don't check the assumption I think the sound is me, after I check I see that it's just a sound.

It's like “it” will find anything — a sound, a sensation, a thought — and claim ownership, say “it's me”.  When I look at it to see if it's true it “dissolves” or “evaporates”, but it will just find something else to attach itself to.  It sems like an endless chain of events: every time it is revealed that it/his is not me it will just jump to something else, and it seems I'm too lazy or tired to keep following it.

I guess I'm stuck here…


You stuck only in the thought that it can't be it, can't be simple than that. You do not trust experience. You are looking for some improvements in your life. Guess what? There was never you. Always Life lifing. You saw - yep, no me, just a label. What's there? Life lifing. What changed for Life? nothing. Just another experience. The quicker you catch up with that, the quicker Life will live without resistance generating by the tension of still looking.

And stop being weird. Go outside, walk and look around how Life is lifing and don't need any manager. Go and walk and look with 2 of your physical eyes, look with wonder, like a kid.

And write what you found. Precise, no fluff.


Ok, here's what I found out:

When I walk outside there's a field of view.  Objects — be it humans, dogs, trees, cars, … — appear into and disappear from this field of view.  This field of view appears in a bigger “view” or space that contains everything that can be sensed: sight, hearing, sensations, smells, tastes, thoughts (text or picture), feelings.  Everything seem to appear from “out of the blue” in this space — much like a car that suddenly emerge into dayligt from an unlit tunnel — and they also dissolve back into this space after some time.

In this big space I find no trace of myself.  However, there's a very strong tendency to either put the label “me” on some of these objects or to think that I am the source of these objects.  Bodily sensations mostly belong to the first type (e.g., the sensations of my feet as I walk on the pavement) whereas e.g. thoughts mostly belong to the second type.
When I came back home I watched a movie and tried to find out who is watching.  There's definitely sight/seeing, but when I look for the seer I cannot find him.  The same with music: There's definitely hearing, but I cannot locate a hearer.  It just seems to happen.  But at the same time there's a pervasive “There must be a seer/hearer, keep looking!” — not in words, not in pictures, more like a very strong assumption with an implicit “You shouldn't even challenge this!” attached.  It must be a thought since it's in the mind, so to speak, but it doesn't quite look like the usual thoughts.

Eating a Wasa cracker with butter and cheese is such a pleasant experience:  The sound of chewing the crisp bread, the feeling of the soft and cold cheese against the lips and the palate.  The slight burnt taste of the cracker and the, well, cheesy taste of cheese.  I can find no smeller, taster, etc. is this experience. If I have to be honest I have to say that it is just happening. But there's a very, very strong tendency to slap a “me” label on the whole thing.  It's utterly confusing.  The intellect says it's the same as saying “I can clearly see there's no unicorn in this room, but keep looking — there's gotta be one somewhere!”, still it's like the thought is struggling with reality.  How can I get out of this?


Jesus Christ, K. There is no fucking you, no. it is just a label to the experience. You either see it or not.

Is there any you in the reality in any shape or form?

answer me.


No, there is no me in reality in any shape or form.

There is the whole world, and there are thoughts and feelings, but I am nowhere to be found.  If anything, the label “I” is slapped on every goddamn thing there is — be it a sensation, a thought or an emotion — but I as an entity is non-existent.


I want to ask you what changed since we spoke. Seems like you got the simplicity of it. No expectations anymore. Good. Liberation is simple. Illusion is complicated.



Nothing has changed, except . . . I realized I would be lying if I told you there was an I, and you wanted the truth.

But Elena, this can't be it, can it?  Please don't tell me that THIS is what I've been looking for!?!  I have a whole library with books that claim to be able to get me enlightened (what a shitty word!), and I've been meditating my ass off for 25 years.  For THIS?!?  It's gotta be a joke!  I don't know whether I should laugh or cry.  LOL! If anything, those books have kept me unenlightened!  And instead of meditating I could've taken a nap.  I've unwittingly deprived myself from sleep for 25 years because I wanted to wake up.  Dammit.  Do I feel really stupid now?

I want to fuck Jeff Foster!  He looks like such a sweet guy, and I absolutely adore his English accent, and I'm sure he'll be good at telling bed time stories — or he could be a stand-up comedian (oh, I forgot, he already is!).

I want to fuck Adyashanti, too.  Mostly for taking such a stupid name, but also for his calm and sweet voice.  You could think he has developed those manners just to seduce people.

Ok, so I probably won't go and fuck them, I just needed to vent my frustration/anger/wtf…  No need for anyone out there to feel unsafe, I'm perfectly harmless, hehe.

Although I don't understand why Jed McKenna had to write 3 fucking books about this, I now understand why he wrote “THIS is NOT what you want!”.  He's right, this is NOT what I've been looking for, and for the past 25 years I've also been walking in the wrong direction — blindfolded!  Jesus!  Nothing has changed, it's always been like this, and I've been trying to prevent it, been jumping through hoops to avoid it.  I've been scared like hell.  For what?  For THIS?!?! Now I understand “the gateless gate”.  I've been walking for 25 years to reach that fucking gate, and now that I turn around I see that there has never been any gate to reach — and much less to go through.