Monday, August 15, 2011

There are No Questions, Everything Changed and Is The Same. Tears are of Gratitude...and There's a Lot of Laughter ...

T. was very close. I saw it from what she wrote to me. There are a lot of emotions going on in this work. I prodded with something that brought emotions in this beautiful woman, It happened to be the best what I could do for her. Welcome to freedom, my beautiful friend!

Hi Elena,

have been frustrated with this for a couple of weeks now,

No, there is no you / I / self .... thoughts appear, they are nothing but a running commentary, very annoying commentary. the I / you / self are mental construct, knowing this does not seem to make a difference .... have been trying to catch the I / me attached thoughts and they all are only that, me me me .... and there isn't one. 

a couple of weeks ago I sat and simply asked what sees, I see, is there an I, is there no I .... asked in German too .... when I got up to walk everything was closer and crisper/clearer,  ... then it went away after a few hours and for some reason it's stuck in my head that I need to get back there :) ... very silly but there you go.

just lately the attachment to 'my body' as the I is the most persistent ....

thanks again for doing this with me.

E.W. says I haven't slowed down enough, she's the friend that got me to Ruthless Truth, and is very excited that you'd work with me.

Thinking impairs Vision, quiet literally, the focus changes, the eyes shift to a little cross-eyed, and off goes the thought-train in the brain, 
just now there is that voice "of course there's no me, you can't see me" ..  who's looking, what's asking .... 
that got to: consciousness is a mental construct  ... what thinks, is there a thinker, is there no thinker

and immediately it dictates: I'll stew with that. 
and the fingers typed it .... 

and there is a bit of fear, of loosing, ... the feeling in the body goes away when looked at and is replaced by hunger .... must eat :)
and off we go to the fridge .... maybe I need to be strapped down :) 

that I / you / self is a sneaky bugger, very hard to observe, so much happens all at once that it is hard to keep track of, there is no way that consciously "I" can be doing any of it, too much going on. feeding chickens talking on the phone. 
after posing questions, the blanks are short, the eyes 'cross' and thinking starts again, and pressure builds in the head.
I try to picture my self (chewing on that), not good at visualization, never have been, but the first thing that comes up is being asked to visualize a road I was familiar with and to imagine a crocodile ... and I busted out laughing since that road was my hometown in Germany and there aren't any crocodiles  ... it's just memories with no me in them "you're the one that saw them" .... where is you, is there a you ... is there really no you ....

"I'm really just looking" what I is looking and what I says "relax take a breath" and then there's the one that says shut up y'all ... 
sticky buggers ... where's the thinker
"thinking is a tool" ... used by? who thinks ?

thoughts appear, by the time the thought "feed the chickens" comes up, the first shoe is already on to go do so. a running commentary.

thanks Elena

Elena: Ever thought why "I" its hard to observe?

Because there is no actual "I" , seriously. It's not a joke. It's true. That is why it is hard to observe. It's not even sneaky - it just does not exist. You are trying to catch what is not real, just not part of the reality. "I" is just a though. As a thought it's easy to catch, as something real - nope, impossible.  You can sit, eyes closed, open, crossed - in any position - you never ever find self, "I".

You can do it until blue in the face - won't happen. "I" always was a thought, a label, that comes after the experience and claim it.

There is no ownership to the experience. Look deeper.

and besides, you are trying too hard. You know what it should feel like, what you should look for - no "I", just looking, just thinking - blah, blah...Now imagine you are 6 y.o girl. You have no idea HOW it should be. You just playing outside, sun shining on your face. You are as you are. No trying hard, no trying to observe, witnessing, stupid "I" what the hell is that? Who cares. Body moves, feeling feels, skipping, laughing, - whatever. Does that little girl look for an "I"?? Why? Because she is fully engage in the activity - no separation between thinking, feeling, inside, manager to all this. Remember? No owner, no manager. Just life itself living itself in any movement at the moment that happening...

but it is always just as it is, it's not possible to be happy all of the time, you wouldn't know what happy was if there was no unhappy. the 6 year old knew that, unhappy doesn't feel good, but it's just a feeling.  

been staring at this screen for a while .... can't think of anything else to write.


What is that that you are holding to?

Elena: Any feelings at the moment? What is now, T?
We should be clear between us. I can be gentle, and I can hit hard - it depends of what is going on. So just stay with me no matter what. Just stay, any emotions arise - bring it on, we will look together. Deal?

T: deal, for sure,

eyes full of tears and no telling why they are ... I can't grasp it

T: the question What am I holding onto brought nothing , there were a few tears, don't know what about, maybe not enough desperation. I fell asleep and woke up a little angry,  and that went away. 

I don't know, am I not being honest? that brings tears and then they stop ... frustration and a headache .... 

I was avoiding that and it startled me when when it came up ... not sure where that goes.

Elena: T, it is active looking -  looking naturally on the immediate experience and seeing what you really see now. So just look around, and tell me what you see. Is there you in any shape or form in the reality?

Look and tell me.

T: Elena, I realized the earlier tears come from gratitude to you for bothering with worthless me .... 

ok, looking around, there are many nameable object, plants, pictures on walls, a tv, this computer, a chair with a the cat on it, the couch with this body on it ... and it says "my body, it's sitting right here " .... but I can't see me, only limbs ... the trees sway in the wind just outside the window, a mess on the kitchen table ... still got that head ache .... 

thanks for your patience Elena, 

Elena, I realized the earlier tears come from gratitude to you for bothering with worthless me ....” 

there is no "me" - worthless or worth. No you, darling. No. It's all life movements, all intricate movements of life itself. Life is only what is. No you. You is just a label. A thought. Feeling of worthiness is real. Feeling exist. Label of "me" not real - it does not exist in actuality. Only in thought. Look.

ok, looking around, there are many nameable object, plants, pictures on walls, a tv, this computer, a chair with a the cat on it, the couch with this body on it ... and it says "my body, it's sitting right here " .... but I can't see me, only limbs ... the trees sway in the wind just outside the window, a mess on the kitchen table ... still got that head ache ....”

All these are real - yes. Objects, body, limbs, emotions, thoughts - all these you can easily pinpoint - oh, here is a body sensation, oh - here is a thought, here is a cup, tree...but try to pinpoint will always cames back to body sensations, thought f self, feelings.

Self, I is just a label, but we so much take it for real, and so long, we don't even question it.

And you go ahead and question.

Look what is real and what is not.

Would you say that Unicorn is real? Why self is different? Look how similar two are.
Both points to thought/feeling/sensation, but nothing actual in the reality.

Take a good look.

T: the unicorn and the self are just thought constructs, the self thoughts only point to body, feelings, sensations, anything that it can attach to, i.e. 'my computer' instead of a computer. the thought 'but I have a body, this is my body' also only just comes and goes away. 

Oh boy, intellectually this is so easy, and so hard trying to catch the thoughts and question them.
no, I can't see a self a me or you or I, no unicorn either, 

thoughts just appear and one builds on the others, builds all the way up to more frustration, this is spinning in circles and has nothing to do with Sufis.

I” is a figment of imagination

Elena: T, if I ask you do you exist what would you say?

T: the body exists, feelings, thoughts and sensations exist, the space this body occupies exists, but I don't ... it might have gone riding with the unicorn :) , but mind says "of course I do exist I'm right here", loud and clear

outside with the horses just now, the 'in reality where am I' question comes up with nothing, just mucking out, feeding and more thoughts at rapid firing and that blasted headache

sorry Elena, the tears are back, maybe it just needs a good cry

thank you

Elena: good, good. You is where Unicorn is. :)

And crying is good too. You know, when the grip of 'I" relaxes - it does ripples through the whole system, and not only that one, yours, so to speak. There is no separation really - so any act of relaxing the "I" serves all Creation in the same movement.

Love you, darling. Now release all the looking.

Looking no more.


inhale freely - go for a walk. and look around with wonder - what a wonder all these forms, movements, feeling! There is no need for ownership.

Releasing the owner or this house sets one free.

T: :)

yes, a walk, that sounds good.

thank you, love you too

Elena: T, did you read my blog?
It's very new, and English is my second language, but I will give you this, for a lighter fair:

and you write to me tomorrow what's cooking, ok?

T: Elena, yes I have been poking around on your blog and RT and viv's blog.
much laughter on that 25 year thing ... it is rather underwhelming.

it's coming off in chunks, "she never actually hit me" this brought tears and laughter and peace

where are you from Elena? I'm German and was looking for a German to do this with ... what a laugh

with much love and gratitude

Elena: T, darling, I am from Russia. Live in US. I find it's so fascinating to connect with people all over the world - its amazing, it blows my mind, really. I am not sure where it all will go, I am just inspired to do it for the moment, feel so much appreciation for what happened to me too sometime ago - so feel inspired to carry forward. I was also on a long search endeavor - Gurgieff way, Vipassana, sufi, some non-dual dudes - I was exhausted when I hit the Gate!
And tomorrow write to me what's going on, anything changed or not. Is there you, ever being? Look fresh in the morning and write me your best shot on what you see.

Also I want to ask you if you have any questions, let's look at them so all is clear, ok?

Hugs, Elena

T: Dobroye utro Elena,

years of Russian in school in East Germany, yes, the path, Vipassana, the book collection, Byron Katie .... 

Elena, everything has slowed, there was a big gap at waking, not the usual shooting out of bed running to feed everything. there is no I, and there is no you, and nothing ever happened to a me, there never was ... and there is no them, people don't have a you :) .... it's underwhelming if anything, E.W. warned of that :). 
there are no questions, everything changed and is the same. tears are of gratitude ... and there's a lot of laughter ... 

much much love

Elena: Oh, darling, there is a ripples through my body out of love for you!

Yes, you see that self, the little bugger,never was there:) We create it in our imagination, and then whole life gets driven by it. How amazing this creation - look - look how amazing what consciousness does! It hides, and then embarks on the life-long search for something that does not exist! How hilarious!