When I finished Part 10, I felt I am done, I felt completeness, felt celebration that I finished the series. It lasted about a day! I started wondering if anything left, if anything else I need to write about? Is it clear, does it lead to more clarity, more knowing, more insight. I don’t need to write some complete works on how to, this is very individual journey, sometimes one phrase can ignite some dormant mechanism that will start to lead you in a right direction.
I am not at all about some standardisized process I need to invent here for humanity, I just need to lay out some information that might activate your own inner wisdom rooted in the depth of our human DNAs. I actually love to go in without any agenda, just explore where the pen (or keyboard) will take me, it’s interesting. I hope you too enjoyed this journey in Consciousness with me. I promised long time ago to my readers that if you sign up for that journey, you won’t be disappointed :) It took me a little longer then I thought it will, but here we go, riding again, after riding Buddha on a Bull with me 4 years ago.
And for those who never rode that one with me, everywhere in the world you can order Buddha on a Bull, just use one of the Matrix’s biggest consumer hub - Amazon - and it will deliver to your doorstep :) Or use electronic book, but I like real books in hand, there is an energy there you can’t get from electronic books, but that’s how I like it.
How I decided to start writing again, beyond Part 10 that perfectly ended the series, like I thought?
I saw someone dear to me was writing about unexpressed feelings of hurt and anger, how unexpressed hurt turn into anger and how unexpressed anger lingers as hurt, and both become mechanism of self-protection. These repressed emotions indeed are leaks in our energy system. I realized that all my calls to wake up can be futile, because we are walking like we turned the drainage system on, where all the energy is leaking from our avatars, and we only have the reserves necessary for keeping the avatar alive to do some basic life in a System. We just can’t have enough energy for waking up from the illusionary states we dwell in and if we have a substantial leak of energy we can’t sustain higher states of awareness. We need to find a way to address these unexpressed emotions, these dormant holes in our energy body. We need to find a way to express the emotion, in one way or another, or to transmute it.
Sometimes it is easy. Two people with hurt come together, they talk, they cry, they hug each other, they feel as their misunderstanding melts and the love become stronger. Most of the times this is impossible. People have different rhythms and one is ready, one is not, one can be never ready.
We can write our heart out on a paper, we can express everything we never expressed to another, then again, we have a choice: send it or burn it. It depends. This is for you to decide. I had to do it in different ways to release all the hurt and anger, and I am still working on a few: through the life I had a lot of not correct for me relationships, because I wasn’t in contact with myself. I was lost to myself most of my life, just like many of us. I wasn’t born as a balanced person in a harmonious family, and the more I tried to be it, the more further from myself I went, gathering around myself all kind of people whom I connected to out of necessity to survive. And they, from their side, were just like me, connecting with me from the same necessity.
When those structures started to shift, the relationships started to crumble. I had no idea how to manage that besides stepping out of the rapidly falling bricks. It left me with unresolved feelings, unexpressed emotions, tremendous pain. With time I was able to look at the remains, express what needed to be expressed and feel fully what needed to be felt. This was very slow process, it took, in some cases, years. This was my process, it is not necessary to carry this for many years, there are many techniques that help, but for me, exactly this process, was necessary. It was a multifaceted process - just living what is there, in the way it was, without trying to hurry up anything in me. I settled on a self-initiated alchemy in my body, like simmering something to evaporate slowly instead of boiling it.
Everyone of you had or will have its own. And sometimes it would take a moment, sometimes - a few years. Depending what you are here for, you will have your own process of repairing the holes. You are different, your setup in this life is different, your aim in life is different, you don’t have to do and be a certain way, you follow your own rhythm of healing. Healing is not just resolving the emotional hurt, closing the leaks of energy, it is also expanding in Consciousness, growing in Awareness, deepening in Love, and therefore, maturing as a whole, complete human being - it is rather multidimensional process, and one part can be emphasized more then the other in a point in time, and they all go in parallel, because if they don’t, then we end up unbalanced, which is ok for sometime. Its important not to be stuck in one area for too long, otherwise there is a chance actually to become somewhat a lunatic, fairly dysfunctional and self absorbed.
For a while, especially if your mind was detonated by the descend of Consciousness all at once, if you have had a Revelatory experiences, this is inevitable. We do become dysfunctional, especially if we wake up in the middle of the conformed character, we can’t control these kind of circumstances, but if we get stuck in this to the rest of the life, then it is unfortunate. It can take long time, sometimes the full cycle of seven years or so, to sort out the fallen pieces.
I have being around and I observed many people going through awakening, and maybe I am unaware or those whose process of maturation went quick and painless, most of those I observed - hundreds - had quite a journey. Some are still in it, some still confused what happened to them and how to make it in one piece through these even more confusing times. Some fell back into the illusion, it was safer and easier than waking up in the middle of the ruins of your own mind and start life from scratch. I observed so many different people through this scrambling around their own mind debris, that I feel I have a right to speak not only from myself, but from others as well.
Why I talk in my posts and here, about myself? You don’t want to read another post or book written generally from the third person, as they are detached from what they write, it’s like it doesn’t pertain to them, they are beyond it. This is the fad in spirituality that confusing and misleading. People who write like that are not completely honest, but all the neo-advaita built on this foundation: there are many teachers who have a public face of serenity and a private face of a normal human being, but they can’t reconcile them, because people pay to see them, their livelihood depends on their face.
When I wrote my book Buddha on a Bull, I had a publisher - nonduality press, who told me my book is too personal and I rather write from the perspective of Consciousness - in a cliche non dual lingo mambо-jumbo. I decided to write my book from the perspective of a human being, just like my readers. The publisher were in some kind of transition, they sold out to a bigger publishing house, and they suddenly stopped communicating. I was waiting for long time to hear from them, when they came back they said that it will take them a lifetime to edit Buddha on a Bull to be right. I just took the book out, a few people helped me to edit it, it didn’t take a lifetime, only 3 months, and I released it. Its imperfect? Sure, but it is already on a 4th year helping seekers who need this information, and its already translated and published in Russia and on the 2nd year there. What’s more important?
These blogposts, they also imperfect, they are not even edited, they posted as soon as I am done writing. Otherwise I will keep it in my desk drawer or in the folder in the computer, and what the chances that I will have energy and money to hire someone to edit and release? There are many people who wrote a book that is somewhere in their notebook or computer, and they never gave it a chance. These people take their writings too seriously, and themselves too. Sometimes it is appropriate, but sometimes its stays on a way of sharing with others.
Ok, back to the important. Now, this will be very important what I will write here, please pay attention. What happened with you before, in what point of a journey you are in, how much aware you are, how conscious you are, how deep you went with your inner journey, or not, this does not matter - you can start where you are.
There is something that needs to be understood here. In every situation, every past unresolved relationship, how bad it seemed to be, how unjust, there is always something that we can recognize as this essence of light, luminosity. You only can close these leaks of energy, if you see that light and recover it by affirming this light in yourself, in the other, in what happened. The quantum knot that was created (karma) can be loosen and completely un-does itself, if you will see the light in it, and let it free.
My stepfather was an alcoholic, it affected my life tremendously, and still, I can see light shining brightly through me, from his presence in my life. He had conscience. Alcohol took over his mind, but it didn’t take his soul. He is as confused human being as it gets, still, when he had to make important decisions in life, he did not sell out. I saw that, and it very much affected me, it gave me perspective needed to walk this life with a certain values. They were tested, and in small ways I cave in a few times, which teach me even more of what is important, what matters. What matters is to remain human with the pure heart, and we will see how much this really going to matter in these next 6-7 years ahead. So look at all your situations, all your relationships, now and in a past, and recover this light quality for yourself, free that light by seeing it and acknowledging it, it will make you more whole.
You tell me, Elena, but I had some horrific things happen to me, where is that light of what you are talking about? Yes, unfortunately, we are living not in a perfect environment, some things happened to us are really horrific, many of us didn’t make by this time in one piece, but many did, and what happened to them built their will to live. This planet is to provide humanity with all kind of levels of testing the strength of the Spirit. This environment is a labyrinth, a quest, a school, and like everybody went to different schools, took different classes, had different teachers in their childhood, same - we all have different lives here, depending on what we need to learn.
This planet is a testing ground, like in a computer game, within the same game there are different levels, still, in the most horrific battle in a computer game, there is this light: you didn’t really die, you just played that out in your mind and on a screen, but in reality - you are a Player of the game, not a character in the game. Can you see that, thinking about your unresolved hurt?
You were not able before, you were too identified. But now you can.
Can you see that in those circumstances was the most important to remain human?
Can you see that you always can pass the test in humanity, always say no?
In the extreme situation, Human being just change the dimensions, just leave the avatar. But we will not talk about extremes here, most of us are not on a battlefield right now and not asked for the decision that might lead to change the dimension. I am only mentioning it here for you to get more ok with this, because the biggest tool is used on Humanity is fear of death. Which does not exist for us. It’s a hoax what they are trying to pull it here. But they are succeeding in it, look how many were in lines to get the vac in fear of death!
If you can look at your unresolved relationships from the perspective of a school, we came together to help each other to learn, to evolve, you saw your lesson, gathered insight from that story in your life, absorbed that light in yourself, you became more whole, you started to solve the Mystery of your existence, and contributed to the evolvement of the Humanity as a Whole.
It doesn’t mean you agreed with what happen was right, or correct, it doesn’t mean you have to talk to those people, be friendly, or do anything to fix the circumstance, it doesn’t mean you need to let go of any obligations, including financial, if they owe you, or you owe them, you simply saw the Mystery, and you, by seeing in a right light, quite in Wonder, recovered that light in yourself. It is an inner process, in a right way done it sort of like, if I can call it, utter forgiveness: forgiveness beyond forgiving, when you know that there is no-one to forgive.
Sometime ago someone said to me: “I realized it’s impossible to forgive, it is easier for me to forget”. Even for him, with all the training possible in meditation, was very hard to deal with the hurt. Now you know how hard it is for a regular person to let go of the hurt. Sometimes it is impossible, sometimes it takes many years. Each of us need to live the experience to its completeness, whatever it takes. It is possible to live the experience fully without any remaining unresolved ends. And these times ask from us not to put it on a back burner, but deal with unresolved experiences now. Like NOW. The times are such that something that took 7 years to be resolved, takes 7 months, or 7 days, or 7 minutes, or a moment. It depends, everyone will discover that for yourself, but get to work, friends, we need to clear these unresolved ends, we need as much energy as possible: physical, psychic, all the chi, life-force possible! Being Conscious requires energy, extra energy.
What we discussed today is possible to do on your own. You don’t need, but you can utilize help: friend, therapist, coach, they can help to start you on this inner journey. Tell them: “I have this unresolved relationship. It bothers me, it keeps me thinking about it, it takes my time and energy. Please help me to look at it from a different perspective”. This will be a beginning, a catalyst. Real transformation happens when you are by yourself, there is no one there, and you take responsibility for your life completely, then you make a decision to grow up fully and love unconditionally.
You may end up disliking that person anyways, that’s fine, you don’t need to like them. Besides, there are wonky characters in this world, they are here to help us to grow up, they don’t know what role they unconsciously playing, and you weren’t conscious too, what else you expect now, its a mess. Just leave that be as it is. But YOU feel LOVE in your heart, at least at this moment, because you know this hide and seek game now, you feel love because you can’t feel anything else anymore.
